-"I'll...cook for you. That's right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking Southern Cajun cuisine. I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in Bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don't eat meat? That's fucking FANTASTIC! I'll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off."
-"I'm respectful, quiet, clean and I won't bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I'm just like, 'Oh fuck, I better not mess with this shit, because it's not mine.'"
-"Do you like movies? I fucking love them. We can watch the shit out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don't have to talk to you at all. It's completely UP TO YOU!"
Also important to note:
-"A lot of people ask me, 'Hey, you're from Alabama. Are you racist?' And, the answer to that question is, no. I'm not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I'm a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That's the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right?"
-"I own almost nothing! I'm driving my car from Alabama to California in which I'll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, eight pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you'd like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I'm the most considerate person you've ever met. I'm offering to buy you shit already!"
For more ridiculousness, peep the entire ad (larger image).