The hardest part of the new year is coming up with resolutions you’ll actually want to keep. Do you really want to spend the next 11 months avoiding dessert like the plague and clocking hours at the gym every single day? Probably not. Would you rather spend it having mind-blowing, toe-curling, can’t-get-enough-of-it sex? That’s what we thought.
From opening up how you communicate to exploring new positions, there are plenty of ways to amp up your sexual wattage. Here at Refinery29, we resolve to help make 2014 your best sex year, ever. No "faking it." To start you off on the right path, here are 10 sex resolutions you should make right now.
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Even in the strongest relationships, sometimes there just isn’t enough time to connect with your partner between the sheets. Often, anything beyond a quickie is completely out of the question. The solution? Schedule a few hours for sexy time in advance, put it in your calendar, and stick to it. “It’s uniquely American that we leave sex for the time of day when there’s nothing more productive that can be done with our time and energy,” says sex and relationship therapist Kimberly Sharky, LMFT, CST. “Think less about scheduling time for sex and more about carving out time for enjoyment with your partner, even if that just means pillow talk.” It may not lead to sex every time, but at the very least, you’ll wind down with some quality time with your partner, which is much better for your relationship (and your sanity) than spending those before-bed hours with Candy Crush or The Real Housewives.
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Be proud of your body, and, trust us, your partner will want to see it in action. But, occasionally flipping on the lights will do more than just show off your goods. “There’s more vulnerability in really allowing ourselves to be seen sexually — and that’s not a bad thing,” Sharky says. “Vulnerability is all about being on the edge of where we’re comfortable. It’s exciting and gives us an opportunity to grow.”
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It’s easy to get caught up in a sexual routine. After all, if you know you orgasm quickly when you’re on top, it makes sense to want to go straight to that position every time. But, you don’t want to get stuck in a rut that will eventually lead to boredom. So, in 2014, mix things up a little. “Whether that means experimenting with positions or looking into erotica, ask yourself what you can do to add some diversity,” Sharky says. “Even if that new position or thing doesn’t become your favorite in terms of orgasmic potential, it’s still beneficial to spark mental arousal.” Who knows, you may find a sexual twist that feels oh-so-much better than your tried-and-true routine.
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Unfortunately, it’s the rare woman who hasn’t given a few extra oohs and ahhs to try to convince her partner she’s climaxing when she’s definitely not. Whether you’re doing it to speed up the process and get to sleep, to boost your partner’s ego, or to spare his feelings, faking an orgasm should be forever banned from your sexual repertoire, starting now. “Getting to a place where you can authentically say, 'I don’t think I’m going to get there tonight,' or 'I’m satiated,' is much better than faking,” Sharky says. “Being honest leads to a much better sexual relationship, where you’re not giving false, inaccurate feedback.” In 2014, don’t be the girl who cried orgasm.
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What’s the female equivalent of blue balls? Whatever it is, women have been putting up with it for far too long. You know you’ve been there: Your partner finishes and rolls over, ready for bed, leaving you wondering, "What about me?" Let’s make 2014 the year of making sure we get what we want out of a sexual experience. Sure, that may not necessarily mean an orgasm, but we should never feel like we got the short end of the stick. “If you want sex to continue, ask for it. Say, ‘Hey, now will you do this for me?’” Sharky says. “Don’t think that once he’s had an orgasm, there’s nothing else that can be done. There are a lot of things that feel good for women that don’t involve an erection.”
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So, you’re at the end of a night out with a special someone, and you tell your date you’re going to “slip into something more comfortable.” Shouldn’t that something actually make you feel more comfortable? “The Victoria’s Secret angel getup or Agent Provocateur stuff may be exactly what you feel sexy in, but there might also be something completely different, say shorts and a tight T-shirt, that you’d rather be wearing,” Sharky says. “Finding your own style and not worrying about fitting into a ‘sexy’ stereotype is crucial.” This year, pick out a “come hither” outfit that you feel good in. Want to show off your bubble butt? Rock that thong. Would you rather hide those cheeks? Try out some silky shorts instead. Because the truth is, nothing looks sexier on a woman than confidence.
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The key to an amazing orgasm is really letting go. Part of that freedom is just going with whatever sounds you’re naturally inclined to make. Nervous about what may come out of your mouth? Start small and realize that making noise isn’t all about over-the-top moaning and screaming obscenities. “Sensualizing your breath can be a great place to start,” Sharky says. “Allow your exhale to have a little more oomph to it, and of course, only do it when it feels real and genuine.” Everyone does better work when they have a little positive reinforcement. And, your partner will definitely notice the feedback — a moan or gasp when something’s going well — and act accordingly.
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Masturbation is an important tool to help a woman get to know her body. So, this year, whether you’re single or attached, try to work some “me time” into your schedule. “Masturbation is a selfish time (in a good way), when you can focus on your own pleasure without the distraction of an interactive experience,” Sharky says. “Our tastes change and evolve, so it’s important to check in with ourselves sexually, in a nonjudgmental way, and see what feels good.” Ultimately, knowing yourself first is the best way to ensure a great time when you add a partner to the mix later.
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The G-spot, an often super-sensitive point on the front inner wall of your vagina (essentially, behind your belly button), can offer a whole new way to experience sexual pleasure. You may not like it better than clitoral stimulation, but you owe it to yourself this year to find out. “It can be hard to find with your hands, so I’d recommend a sex toy that curves upward, so it’s specifically designed to stimulate the G-spot,” Sharky says. “Just like the clitoris, there are a variety of ways you can get pleasure from the G-spot, so explore what feels good to you.”
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What exactly defines a "multiple" orgasm is a topic of much debate — it can be a big orgasm and then a sort of small aftershock or a tiny spark followed by a huge explosion. Want to test the limits of your orgasmic potential? Sharky recommends focusing on lingering in the pleasure you feel during an orgasm instead of pushing for a second big bang. “Give yourself permission to hang out in that heightened sensation even longer,” she says. “Next time, right when you feel like you’ve reached your edge, stay a little longer and just see what’s on the other side of where you’d usually stop. See what it feels like if you keep going for a few more minutes or circle back to something you were doing earlier that felt good.” Don’t worry too much about whether you’ve had two or three orgasms or none at all. When you’re not too focused on the destination, you’ll probably be pleasantly surprised by the journey.