So You Think You Can Govern: Old Spicey's At It Again

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Washington, D.C., seems to be spiraling out of control like Ramona Singer after too many glasses of pinot grig. And if things in our government are going to fall apart faster than a Sonja Morgan tea party, then we’re going to cover it the same way.
You Had One Job
Human punchline Sean Spicer proved to us once again this week that he probably isn’t up to the task of public speaking, despite the fact that it is essentially his only job. In a press conference about the Monday night bombing of Syria, a response to Assad’s use of chemical warfare on his citizens, Old Spice really stepped in it. “It,” in this case, being an anti-Semitic, uneducated, careless, and just plain stupid comment diminishing the atrocity of the holocaust.
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This gaffe is just another on a never-ending list of public remarks that show the president and his team’s tone deaf, misinformed, flippantly hateful approach to leading this country. Trump and his administration have been pressed several times about the rising tides of anti-Semitism. At this point it should be tattooed on Spicer’s forearm not to talk about Hitler, the holocaust, or anything that might be even loosely connected to them when discussing current events. Maybe we can sew a patch on his sleeve to help him remember.
Power Plays
After last Thursday’s militarized response to Assad’s use of chemical weapons in Syria, many feared that we had handed over our country’s firepower to an emotional, ego-driven loose canon. And by “feared,” we mean, knew with 100% certainty that that is what happened. An actual loose canon would seem less terrifying than Trump this week, honestly. In an interesting twist, it seems the president's decision to bomb Syria was swayed by his daughter-cum-intern, Ivanka. Her brother Eric, the one who is 90% gums, told news sources that Ivanka was “heartbroken and outraged” over the chemical attack in Syria, which influenced her father/president/admirer to initiate the bombing.
Trump continued his aggressive military action this week by dropping the “Mother of all Bombs” on ISIS secured caves in Afghanistan. The massive explosive is the most powerful active bomb that the U.S. military has, so using it was as much a long-promised strike against ISIS (which Trump spoke about annihilating frequently during his campaign) as it was part of his strategy to look bigly powerful, no matter what.
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Mr. Tillerson Goes To Russia
Secretary of State Rex Tillerson went to Russia to meet with President 2.0, aka Vladimir Putin. This isn’t the first time the two have met, though it is the first time that Tillerson is there as a senior United States politician and not an Exxon Mobil executive. We know the meeting happened at the Moscow Ritz-Carlton, but I like to think it happened at the Brass Monkey in the Meatpacking District a la Bethenny and Kelly Bensimon’s legendary sit-down.
And like that Bethenny-Kelly summit that was mostly judgmental comments and hand gestures, Tillerson noted that he and Putin didn’t agree on very much during their two-hour meeting. As more Trump team ties to Russia surface, it’s hard to know what kind of relationship the two countries have. Is it the antagonistic Bethenny and Kelly dynamic? Or is it all smoke and mirrors to hide a more Ramona-Sonja competitive frenemies situation? Only time and uncovered classified documents will tell.
No More Smoke Sessions
In case you think that Attorney General Jeff Sessions has been sitting back quietly in his office while the rest of the administration gets to have all the fun threatening to take away health care and mocking LGBT students, then you must be high. And if you are, Sessions wants you arrested and thrown in jail because he plans to bring back the war on drugs.
Sessions isn’t just going to bring back Draconian policies for drug charges himself. No, that would be like Lisa Vanderpump taking care of her own ponies rather than hiring a team of people to put them in tutus for her. Sessions has appointed Tennessee prosecutor Steven H. Cook as a top lieutenant in the justice system. And Cook’s main goal is undoing all of the Obama administration reform. He plans to bring back harsh punishment and mandatory minimum sentences for drug charges that were implemented in the '80s and '90s and resulted in mass minority incarceration. If this is the direction the DOJ is headed, then Dorit better not have been lying when she told Lisa Rinna that they didn’t leave her alone at a dinner party to go do coke in the bathroom.
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Stay tuned next week to see Sean Spicer call Native Americans losers, Jeff Sessions arrest a gay couple for holding hands, and Paul Ryan light a Planned Parenthood on fire — all before Mommy Pence finishes Mike’s nightly reading of Goodnight Moon.
B Roll
Trump signed a law from Congress that takes another step toward defunding Planned Parenthood.
Alabama Governor Robert Bentley resigned after taking a plea deal amid an ongoing sex scandal and corruption charges. Nothing like Southern family values!
Melania Trump ruined the traditional White House Easter egg roll. Now only Sean Spicer in a bunny suit can make things right.
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