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"Cater 2 U"
Beyoncé the solo artist takes her man to Red Lobster if he fucks her good. Beyoncé in Destiny's Child just looks on as Kelly Rowland sings: "When you come home late, tap me on my shoulder, I'll roll over. Baby, I heard you. I'm here to serve you."
No wonder Bey had to go solo.
"What's My Age Again?"
The proto-fuckboys of Blink 182 are the worst. They're all Netflix and no chill, make homophobic prank calls, and run through the streets naked, all at the age of 23. Still, this is my karaoke JAM.
The '90s were great at hiding fucked-up messages in really fun pop music. This one's an anthem of codependence with the refrain, "Love me, love me, just say that you love me. Leave me, leave me, just say that you need me."
Good thing we also had Fiona Apple, Ani DiFranco, and Alanis Morissette to be like, "Oh, hell no."
Over the years, R. Kelly's alleged sex crimes have made it really hard for me to step in the name of love. Before all that, though, I had this long-held theory that he's actually a brilliant performance artist, because really? This guy cannot be serious.
"Echo" might be his WTF opus. The premise: Kels called his lady's job and said she's not coming in, because he's planned a day-long sex romp. (What?! Take her on a vacation, instead!) He thinks he's being really smooth and romantic, and even permits her to get up and eat something after a few rounds. Also, R. Kelly's dressed like a guy in a Lands' End catalog the whole time. And just when you think it can't get any crazier, he starts yodeling.
"Be My #2"
It's a fact that R. Kelly occasionally enjoys human waste with his sexual activity. Fortunately, this jam isn't about that #2. It's a side-chick recruitment song, which is still not as troubling as being a sex offender.
I could easily make the rest of this slideshow about R. Kelly, but let's move on. Trust that I'm in an "it's complicated" relationship with his entire catalog.