The 31 Greatest Insults Ever Uttered On Downton Abbey

Image: Via ITV/PBS.
This past Sunday brought us two very important things. First, it was the last day of complete irresponsibility before launching into the first work week of 2016. And second, it delivered to us the first episode of Downton Abbey’s last season — and boy, was it a doozy. (Not that we’re about to spoil anything, so don’t you worry.)

But between the quiet sorrow of Anna and Bates, the newfound romance of Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes — er, Carson, and any/all drama surrounding the future of the estate, it’s hard to keep perspective. I mean, yes, the PBS Masterpiece series has given us our share of heartbreak, stress-crying, and a hairstyle only O’Brien could pull off, but it also set the bar for serious shade.

Ultimately, every episode of Downton Abbey delivers cutting dialogue not even Regina George could come up with. Weaved between class-based drama, love-based drama, and sibling-based drama (lots of #drama) are sharp one-liners and eye rolls that convey everything we’ve been thinking, while simultaneously fueling our own attitude-centric life goals.

And of course, two women are at the center of it all. Thanks to zingers and GTFO expressions from the Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith) and Lady Mary Crawley (Michelle Dockery), Downton Abbey is a social-filter-free mecca built on telling it like it is. And this, in hopes that they don’t release their truth bombs on us, is our tribute to both of them.
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Image: Via tumblr.
“I cannot find the words to say how I feel.”
Or, how to respond to the bevy of post-holiday engagement announcements on Facebook this week.
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Image: Via tumblr.
“Stop whining and find something to do.”
Because nothing cures heartache like bossing up and getting to work (after, you know, being left at the altar).
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Image: Via PBS.
The official look of “You are Basic AF™.”
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“No one wants to kiss a girl in black.”
Well, obviously the Dowager Countess has never worked in the fashion industry.
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Image: Via PBS.
Can’t Even: the Edwardian edition.
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“One can’t go to pieces at the death of every foreigner.”
And with just one sentence, Violet sums up the apathy of the West that I’m sure not even she thought would last into 2016.
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“Don’t be defeatist dear, it’s very middle class.”
Yes but without us, where would all the best tweets come from?
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“Because I want the pleasure of saying ‘I told you so.’”
Everyone can agree on this one.
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“If you can’t say anything helpful, Robert, please stay silent.”
The official response to any/all “not all men!” sentiments.
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Image: Via PBS.
And Edith was like...
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“...And I’m a tough nutcracker.”
The only necessary fact to include in your cover letter.
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— “I’ll take that as a compliment.”
— “I must’ve said it wrong.”

She also doesn’t send candy cane grams, she just gets them.
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“No, she’s not being rude. Just wrong.”
The early-20th-century edition of the painted-nails emoji.
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“When you talk like that, I’m tempted to ring the nanny and have you put to bed with no supper.”
Translation: “I don’t f—king care if you like it.”
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“Is this an instrument of communication or torture?”
"Hotline Bling," circa 1913. Or: how everybody feels when you don’t just text or email.
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Image: Via fanforum.
— “I’m reminded of the virtues of the English.”
— "Isn’t she American?”
— “Exactly.”

Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt personally victimized by the Dowager Countess. Raise your other hand if you’d pay hard dollars to watch a buddy comedy starring her and Cookie Lyon from Empire.
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“So put that in your pipe and smoke it.”
Well. It really doesn’t get any more direct than that.
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“I’m never wrong.”
My Twitter bio.
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Image: Via PBS.
Or, how Lady Mary really feels about Edith.
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“I thought it was a man wearing your clothes.”
Translation: “Oh my god, I love your skirt where did you get it?”
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Image: Via PBS.
I don’t think she really liked our outfits, you guys.
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Image: Via PBS.
This look is actually just a Horcrux.
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Image: Via tumblr.
— “I think she’s splendid.”
— “I think she’s cracked.”

Frankly, I don’t think I can comment on this particular insult, because any time I see an animal I say “hello” like we’re friends.
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Image: Via PBS.
When someone on Twitter @-replies you with, “Actually...”
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Image: Via PBS.
When someone on Twitter @-replies you at all.
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“Help me do battle with this monstrosity.”
I never asked to take home the office poinsettia, Janice.
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Image: Via PBS.
“Is butter a carb?”
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“He was too like his mother, and a nastier woman never drew breath.”
In which we learn that “your mom” jokes date back to the Edwardian era.
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“No Englishman would dream of dying in someone else’s house.”
Which I guess is why England doesn’t have its own edition of CSI.
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Image: Via PBS.
Lady Mary, reading this list.
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Me.
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