Over the summer, Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar celebrated their 31st wedding anniversary, and recently, on the family blog, Michelle unearthed a piece of advice she received prior to her walking down the aisle — one that she says she has shared with her own daughters.
The words of wisdom are pretty much what you'd expect from the lore of Duggar family tradition. "Anyone can iron Jim Bob's shirt," Michelle recalls a married friend telling her before she walked down the aisle, at just 17-years-old. "Anybody can make lunch for him. He can get his lunch somewhere else. But you are the only one who can meet that special need he has in his life for intimacy."
The advice goes to a pretty predictable place from there. The bottom line: You are there to serve his sexual needs, no matter what. In her words:
"So when you are exhausted at the end of the day, maybe from dealing with little ones, and you fall into bed so exhausted at night, don’t forget about him because you and he are the only ones who can have that time together. No one else in the world can meet that need.
"And so be available, and not just available, but be joyfully available for him. Smile and be willing to say, ‘Yes, sweetie I am here for you,’ no matter what, even though you may be exhausted and big pregnant and you may not feel like he feels. ‘I’m still here for you and I’m going to meet that need because I know it’s a need for you.’ ”
Are you wiped out? It doesn't matter. Sexually please your husband. Are you "big pregnant" and not up for it? Get with the program. Your husband needs you to be attentive to his needs. So — whatever it takes — make that happen.
And — if you are feeling tired and gross and generally like you'd rather just go to sleep — not only are you supposed to make yourself sexually available anyway, you're supposed to be joyful about it. So smile through the sexual interlude that you don't really want to have because that's the sort of whistle-while-you-work attitude that keeps a marriage intact and happy!
But, the question is: Happy for whom? Michelle and Jim Bob may have made it to 31 years and counting, but one unfortunate thing that's missing from Michelle's description of a happy marriage bed is what happens when a wife has sexual needs — and sometimes, those needs are not wanting to have sex right now.
Not that we were expecting Michelle to come out swinging with a feminist manifesto about the mutual right to pleasure, or suddenly depart from the Independent Baptist party line. Of course we weren't. Nor are we saying that she isn't right about the fact that successful relationships require a certain amount of compromise: They do, and sometimes that means getting on board with things that you have to work up enthusiasm about. Like buying a Vitamix. But, whether it's handcuffs or expensive DIY smoothies, the deal is that you're both supposed to be on board before pressing go, and not just because you are mandated to give a partner a piece of yourself.
Not that we were expecting Michelle to come out swinging with a feminist manifesto about the mutual right to pleasure, or suddenly depart from the Independent Baptist party line. Of course we weren't. Nor are we saying that she isn't right about the fact that successful relationships require a certain amount of compromise: They do, and sometimes that means getting on board with things that you have to work up enthusiasm about. Like buying a Vitamix. But, whether it's handcuffs or expensive DIY smoothies, the deal is that you're both supposed to be on board before pressing go, and not just because you are mandated to give a partner a piece of yourself.