Exclusive: Beyoncé Finally "Responds" To All The Rumors

Photo: Courtesy of VEVO.
Sigh. Another day that ends in "y," another Beyoncé rumor. At this point, we arrive at work every morning primed and ready to discuss the gossip item du jour. Does no one fear the Beygency? If Bey and Jay really are members of the Illuminati who secretly control the President, you'd think the tabloids would hold off on reporting unsubstantiated facts.
By now, the list of purported things Beyoncé is and is not doing is out of control. We had our resident court stenographer* note all of the rumors — from the mundane to the insane — and reached out to the Queen for her reaction. Here's her "response."
*We do not have a resident court stenographer, but what if we did?
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Photo: Via @Giphy.
The rumor: Beyoncé and Jay Z actually started the divorce speculation themselves to sell tour tickets.
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The rumor: Is this Jay Z look-alike actually his baby?
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The rumor: Beyoncé was never actually pregnant — she had a surrogate, the baby was Solange's, her supposed baby bump "bent" when she sat down — the list of Blue Ivy-birth conspiracy theories goes on and on.
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The rumor: Beyoncé only posed for the cover of Shape because of a sordid blackmail scheme involving a "sexually deranged" bodyguard and a "mysterious death-by-Taser."
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The rumor: The couple wanted to buy Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch.
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The rumor: The elevator fight started because Jay wanted to go see Rihanna.
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The rumor: Bey and Jay are members of the Illuminati.
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The rumor: Beyoncé and Jay Z are getting divorced because of any or all of the following reasons:

— He had an affair with Rihanna.
— He had an affair with Mya.
— He had an affair with Rita Ora.
— She changed the lyrics to "Resentment."
— She's not wearing a ring, and she had her IV tattoo removed from that finger.
— She's having an affair with her bodyguard.
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Photo: Via Giphy.
The rumor: Beyoncé and President Obama are having an affair.
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Photo: Via Giphy.
The rumor: Bey and Jay's marriage is just a business arrangement, anyway.
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The rumor: Beyoncé IS Jay Z and is getting a divorce from her/himself.