I Live In Brooklyn & This Is NOT My Anthem

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Yesterday, I came dangerously close to headbutting my computer screen when I watched this. I thought it was the most cringe-worthy thing I'd see all week, until my still-blazing eyeballs were greeted with the music video for "Brooklyn Girls," a disturbingly catchy song by Catey Shaw (a person whose Twitter bio reads "#justlivinthedream" and who has been described as having "a little more edge than #katyperry").

I know everyone is going to call me a jerk and a pretentious snob. I accept that. But, I just have to say: This song is not my anthem. Nor does it apply to the majority of girls (women, dare I say?) who live in Brooklyn.

I don't really spend that much time on the LES, I don't have ombre purple hair (although, admittedly, I wish I did), and most of all, I don't live in Williamsburg.

How, you ask, is it possible to live in Brooklyn and not live in Williamsburg? Why, it's simple! You simply follow these easy DIY steps — click through to page two to learn more!
Here's a video of another thing that happened outside of Williamsburg, as part of Dave Chappelle's Block Party. Chappelle and friends accessed this neighborhood using the methods we illustrate below.
As all good NYC-ers know, it's almost impossible to live anywhere that isn't Williamsburg, because in order to do so, you actually have to transcend dimensions and go through several wormholes. Tough stuff! But, lucky for you, we put together this super handy guide on breaking free of the 'Berg stranglehold — and to get there, you don't even have to promise your firstborn to an ombre-haired devil in a crop top!

How To Not Live In Williamsburg:
1. Exist.
2. Live in any of the zillions of other neighborhoods in Kings County.

Congrats! Catey Shaw's music video no longer applies to your life.

Honestly, I could go on about the copycat-of-a-copycat vocals, awkward poseurs-only dance moves, and Insta-filtered lighting, but I will conclude my rant at this time. Instead, I will now watch this video seven or eight times to clear my head.