UPDATE: In the entertainment reporting business, Us Weekly is like the Page Six to People's New York Times. If it hits Us, it probably happened — though no one will ever confirm it — but if it lands in People, it means that reps have been cleared and the truth has been told. Today, we've been anxiously refreshing our inboxes and checking in on People.com to see if there would be Gos-news. Because this can't be true, right? Right?
Guess what, guys: It is. People hath spoken. Ryan Gosling is going to be a dad. Our world is over, we are on our knees, arms extended, crying out to the cruel gods above asking, "Why?! Why, cruel Gods, have you tortured us so!"
Psych! It's pretty awesome, and Eva Mendes is a total bad-ass and we apologize for ever doubting you, OK! Magazine, who was very kind to us even though we called them pheasants. Also, we do have an artist's rendering of the baby, after the jump.
Gird your ovaries; Ryan Gosling, imaginary boyfriend to all of the world, is apparently expecting a child with are-they/aren't-they girlfriend Eva Mendes.
Before we start flipping tables and rioting in the streets, this report comes directly from Radar, who is quoting someone from OK! Magazine, who may have gotten the report from a group of angry pheasants tittering in a meadow. According to the story, Mendes is apparently seven months pregnant, which is kind of a long time to hide a pregnancy.
We have done our due diligence, and have found some surprising evidence.
According to said pheasants in OK!, “[Eva's] been ready for motherhood for a while now and to be sharing this experience with Ryan is a dream come true for her!” In the past, Mendes has been vocal about not feeling particularly clucky, saying "I have to be honest, I don't feel the urge yet. Maybe I'll do it when I'm 41 or something, that's happened to a lot of people I know who decided not to. I don't feel the ticking clock." And, the Hollywood press loves to fictionally impregnate women — just ask Jennifer Aniston.
Secondly, we scanned our photo services and haven't found a photo of Eva since March, but on the other hand, above is a video of her in June. [EDIT: This was filmed in March, actually.] Unless her baby is strategically positioned throughout her body, it probably is imaginary. [EDIT: IT IS.]
Unless it isn't. Unless this is all some sort of secret conspiracy to prevent the Internet from melting down and all American productivity from ceasing for the foreseeable future — and preventing our usage of the pre-planned headline "Make Way For Goslings." Either way, her reps have not responded to requests for comment, unsurprisingly.
Babies. Do they even really exist? [EDIT: YES.]
Please click through for an artists' rendering of their offspring.
Little baby geese.