This Teddy Bear Is The Nastiest Sex Toy You've Ever Seen

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"You've grown up. Now your teddy has, too." That's the questionable-yet-awesome premise behind Teddy Love — a cute, little, stuffed teddy bear with a vibrator inside. Yep. Or, as Teddy's creator, Dawn Harmon, describes him, "a unique, discreet, and lovable adult Teddy Bear."

How discreet? Teddy's snout contains a 10-speed, battery-powered motor, giving him some serious lady-pleasing powers. Specifically, Teddy's "nose stimulates the clitoris, and the [retractable!] tongue penetrates the vagina." Users can control the vibrations with a gentle pinch of Teddy's ear. Wow. Looks like Teddy really is "the bear that loves back." Harmon herself provides more helpful tidbits in the video above; watching her describe Teddy's many virtues is a bizarre experience that I heartily recommend.

No, I haven't just fallen for an elaborate prank (although Teddy's website alone could easily be an SNL skit). Allow me to direct you to Teddy Love's IndieGoGo page, where you can get your very own Teddy in return for a $60 pledge. The first units start shipping in September; Harmon's vision is "to have Teddy Love in every woman's bedroom, whether here in the United States or all over the world."

One of the most curious aspects of this story is the way Teddy is marketed as a non-embarrassing alternative to buying an actual vibrator. Call me crazy, but I think a teddy bear that gives you cunnilingus is a bit more awkward than a purple, plastic dildo. Plus, there's got to be something unsanitary about a sex device that's covered in polyester fur.

But, perhaps the most salient selling point is summed up by Harmon on the IndieGoGo page: "Teddy is so cute and lovable, you can cuddle and fall asleep with him after he is done pleasuring you with his powerful, 10-speed vibrations." There is, of course, a difference between "can" and "should."