Crunchy Footwear Is Happening, Whether We Like It Or Not

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embedPhoto: Courtesy of Opening Ceremony.
You know the moment in Sabrina, when the Audrey Hepburn that left for Paris a sad, lovelorn waif returns a gamine, crop-haired sophisticate that two men immediately fall in love with? Or, okay, if your childhood best friend was not Turner Movie Classics, the moment when homely drama-nerd Laney Boggs doffs her art-class apron for spray tan and a crimson dress, and descends the stairs to Sixpence None The Richer's "Kiss Me" — which Freddie Prinze, Jr. totally obviously wants to do? The fashion equivalent of the ugly duckling teen-movie trope has arrived in the form of Opening Ceremony's collaboration with Teva.

We've seen some "Is she really going out with him?" reactions to the capsule collection, which was announced on Friday. But, with Birkenstocks, lug soles, plain white sneaks, and Timberlands all receiving the nod and having their moment in the sun, it's time for the fashion world to appoint a new nerd prom queen. Of course, unlike the teen-movie heroine, who's clearly, classically hot underneath her glasses and frizzy hair, Teva sandals are genuinely ugly. To me, despite minor OC flourishes and slightly less-frowsy colorways like silver and gold, these things are all function, no flash. They still look like the shoe most likely to be worn by a man in a fisherman sweater with leaves in his beard.

Not that any of that matters, of course. These will be eagerly awaited by normcore acolytes, advanced ironists from Portland to Bushwick, and generally, anyone who never had to endure them on Greenpeace members at 4 Non Blondes sing-alongs. Tevas are happening, people. The captain of the football team has spoken. The sport sandal will turn into a swan.

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