We Don't: The 15 Worst Wedding Gifts, Ever

Update: This article was originally published April 19.
If your fridge is rapidly filling up with save-the-dates, you may be tempted to spare yourself the trawl through yet another bridal registry and go rogue. But, purchasing a present off that wedding wish list is murky territory, my friends. Sure, it could result in a more creative gift that the couple truly appreciates — especially if you're shopping too late and the only items left are a silicone spatula and a steam mop. But, this could also result in a truly tragic impulse purchase — like the 15 items ahead.
Each present here is crummy in its own way: Some are corny or weird, some sappy, or some in truly poor taste. But, they're all about as welcome as the bride's creepy cousin is at your dinner table. And, worse, they come with the ultimate insult — first, your recipients will have to stand in the department store's return line, and then they'll have to actually write a thank-you note for the horror you bestowed upon them.
So, before you buy off-registry, make sure your gift in no way resembles the following. Your already-tenuous friendship with that girl you roomed with over spring semester is at stake here, people.
1 of 15
Uh...you do realize what you just called the blushing bride with the "Ain't 1" tee, right?

99 Problems T-Shirt Set, $42, available at CuteSet.
2 of 15
For the gift that says, "There's only one thing that will get us through this, darling, and that's a whoooole lot of Old Crow."

Personalized His and Hers Whiskey Barrels, $75 to 200, available at UncommonGoods.
3 of 15
Let's review this list. Ophelia drowned, Pocahontas was 12 years old, Odysseus and Penelope didn't see much of each other — and we all know how well things turned out for Romeo and Juliet.

We Made History Poster, $36, available at CuteSet.
4 of 15
Don't you hate it when you wake up the day after the wedding and can't tell whose mesh undies those are on the hotel-room floor?

Cotton Cute Couple Underwear, $39.99, available at Yoyoon.
5 of 15
These pillowcases are awesome, if you're the kind of person with a shelf full of Sophie Kinsella novels and other hot-pink books featuring cartoon shoes.

HBH Mr. & Mrs. Right Pillowcases, $20.46, available at Overstock.com.
6 of 15
We know, it's less cliché than a KitchenAid mixer and more useful to 99% of couples than that crème brûlée torch. But, unless one half of the happy couple routinely appears on Chopped — or their wedding vows included the phrase "in sickness and with delightfully tender meats" — they are not going to need this $300 counter hog. Ever.

SousVide Supreme Demi Temperature Controlled Water Oven, $329.99, available at Bed Bath & Beyond.
7 of 15
Let's not get too cute, now. These things are not easy to ride and have probably led to more divorces than midlife crises.

Kulana Lua Tandem Bike, $219, available at Walmart.
8 of 15
"The vows have been exchanged, the cake cut, and the reception has passed. Now, as the newlyweds settle into married life, let them use your gift as a daily reminder of the future they're building together"...by repeatedly slamming an eight-inch butcher knife into the symbol of their married love. You've got a real sick sense of humor, don't you?

Things Remembered Mr. & Mrs. Maple Cutting Board, $85, available at Things Remembered.
9 of 15
What better way to let your partner know they hold your heart in their creepy, craggy hand?

Cathy Broski Heart In Hand Sculpture, $100, available at UncommonGoods.
10 of 15
Perfect for the couple that loves inexplicably sitting on their hardwood floors in slippery sleepwear!

His & Hers Matching Couples Luxury Silk Pajamas, $122.69, available at Yoyoon.
11 of 15
Although it's meant to be an ironic wink to midcentury mores, this book nonetheless promises to "show wives how to keep his royal highness happy," from — no lie — "why a clean home makes hubby feel better to valuable hints on making yourself more attractive to him." It's described as a "humorous gift for brides-to-be," but we guess that depends on whether you find sandwich recipes funny.

Ladies' Homemaker Monthly The Good Wife Guide, $5.67, available at Amazon.
12 of 15
What better way to honor the exhausted newlyweds? Make them fill out a whole mess of paperwork, bury it in the backyard, then dig it up later, when they're both 50 and have backaches.

Wedding Time Capsule, $24.95, available at Exclusively Weddings.
13 of 15
A fertility idol is a little on the nose, don't you think? Why doesn't the gifter just present a basket of prenatal One-A-Days and a copy of The Joy of Parenting?

Gislebertus Asherah Pillar Fertility Idol, $45, available at Etsy.
14 of 15
We actually think this one is super cute — as far as warm, fuzzy, heart-splashed iPhone cases that espouse an oddly intense, black-metal-level marital devotion go.

Allyson Johnson Till Death Do Us Part iPhone Case, $35, available at Society6.
15 of 15
Sleep, my sweet. Sleep smothered in the suffocating knowledge of our love's infinity. Shhhh...

Wesley Bird For DENY You Are Here Duvet Cover, $129 to $169, available at Urban Outfitters.