The 12 Worst Songs To Have Sex To

Ah, yes, getting it on. A practice undertaken by hundreds of thousands of individuals worldwide, on a (hopefully) regular basis. Despite all the flavors of "it" one can have, the language of precoital practice is universal. Light a candle, turn on some grooves, and invoke a mood.
There are a million, billion songs out there that are perfect for getting it on, no matter what personal tastes one may have. Hard rock, smooth jazz, ambient trance — all of it works for particular situations. Yet, there are a handful of tunes out there that are just like a cold shower, dumped haphazardly upon your steamy session. These songs don't just kill the moment; they just don't belong on your "Get It On" iTunes playlist in the first place. Take heed of these ultimate musical mood-killers.
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Photo: Courtesy of Virgin Records.
"It's All Coming Back To Me Now," Celine Dion
Don't sing about your libido coming back to you. Show it. With swelling instruments and pseudo-intensity.

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Photo: Courtesy of RCA.
"Crash," Dave Matthews Band
"Crash...into me babe." Ew. Just imagine your body "crashing." Rhythmically crashing. Rhythmically crashing bits and parts together with Dave Matthews narrating. Ugh, we just grossed ourselves out.

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Photo: Courtesy of Chrysalis Records.
"Hip To Be Square," Huey Lewis And The News
"In '87, Huey released this, Fore, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square," a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But, they should because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself." — Patrick Bateman before he puts an axe in Jared Leto's head in American Psycho. Need we say more?

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Photo: Courtesy of Matador
"F**k And Run," Liz Phair
The song itself isn't that disruptive (see: "Shots"), but the sentiment is just terribly awkward. Bad sex, wanting a boyfriend, being sorry post-coitus. There is nothing here that gets anyone's "juices flowing." (We promise that is the last time we refer to "juices" in this post.)

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Photo: Courtesy of Reprise.
"Orinoco Flow," Enya
Some music is for spas and others are for the bedroom. Though getting it on at a spa sounds fun (and, by all means, go for it), getting it on to spa music does not.

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Photo: Courtesy of Interscope.
"Shots," LMFAO
LMFAO should never, ever be on a sex playlist. Pregame? Yes. Sex? No. Plus, coordinating sexy time moves to the beat of this song will leave one either bruised, turned off from sex and partying, or both. Don't #partyfoul with this one, folks.

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Photo: Courtesy of ZTT.
"Relax," Frankie Goes To Hollywood
Firstly, you will automatically picture those, "Frankie Says Relax" T-shirts. And then, you will feel like you are being whispered to be someone trying to coerce you into something. ("Just...relaaaaax.") After that, you will begin to sing along, and the mood will be killed.

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Photo: Courtesy of Warner Bros.
"Everybody Hurts," R.E.M.
Yes, everybody hurts sometimes. Yes, sometimes sex hurts, too, but no one wants to be aurally reminded of that whilst doing the deed.

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Photo: Courtesy RCA Records.
"Never Gonna Give You Up," Rick Astley
Ha! You were just rick-rolled! During sex!

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Photo: Courtesy of Atlantic.
"I Believe I Can Fly," R. Kelly
Aside from the overwrought emotional aspect of this song, plus the video of the poor sloth taking flight forever changing its context, R. Kelly's lyrics take front and center. No, you do not believe you can fly. At least not right now. (We aren't even touching the recently renewed allegations against Mr. Kelly, but that even adds to the creep factor.)

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Photo: Courtesy of Vertigo.
"Sex Dwarf," Soft Cell
There's something about hearing someone whisper "sex dwarf" and "you know what they say about small boys" mid-coitus just feels like a turnoff. Then there's all the screaming and horror movie panting. The synths are pretty gnarly, though!

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Photo: Courtesy of Interscope.
"All Star," Smash Mouth
Hey now, you're a rock star! Great, but this song calls for obnoxious boy band poses and cheeky head boppin'; both of which are not on the universal list of turnons.