Olympic Fan Fiction Is Real & Unbelievable

The Internet, ladies and gentlemen, is a wild and wacky place. As Reddit has shown us, its bounty of weird is endless. And for all the strangeness within its folds, fan fiction is generally a tame, fairly interesting back alley, one that allows individuals to reimagine their favorite cultural figures within any parameters they like. In fact, there is fan fiction for everything: Presidential races, Sesame Street, and if we looked hard enough, we might even be able to find some for the Westminster Dog Show.
So during this current Olympics, we wanted to see just what curious gems the Internet has concocted for us to peruse, and believe us, we weren't let down. Not all of these pairing are sexual or perverse, but they go farther than just blurring the lines between fantasy and reality. Instead, these stories straight up ignore it. Enjoy, let your curiosity be piqued, and join us in wondering both in awe and admiration: Who thinks this stuff up?
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Photo: Courtesy of Nintendo.
Sonic & Mario meet again, this time during the Opening Ceremonies.

"The Opening Ceremony was a little better. A little.
Tails fell on his face, Daisy entered a trance from the sheer weirdness, and when Mario and Sonic lit the torch, only four Olympic rings lit up. The fifth was a star.
Sonic ran off at Mach 1. 'I'm outta here. See you in Rio!'" (Source)
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Photo: Courtesy of the Pittsburg Penguins.
James Neal is probably not hooking up with fellow Olympian Paul Martin, but they both play for the Pittsburgh Penguins, which is...nice.

"There’s a pause where James doesn’t move at all, and Paul holds his breath. Then James tugs his hoodie over his head and Paul feels all the things he’s been shoving down bubble to the surface as James climbs into bed and spoons up behind him.

'Hey Paulie,' James says, and Paul’s just awake enough to murmur, 'Hmm?'

'Wanna wear your gold medal when we have sex tomorrow?'

'Go to sleep, James,' Paul says, and for once in his life, James does what he’s told." (Source)
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Photo: Courtesy of BBC.
Sherlock Holmes, the downhill skier.

"There’s no doubt that Sherlock Holmes has a focused mind, having graduated Cambridge with an advanced degree in chemistry. Holmes began skiing at a very young age on a family trip to the Alps. His parents, both notable cross-country competitors in their time, didn’t want to force their son into the sport, instead letting a young Sherlock discover it on his own. It wasn’t long before he was complaining about the flatness of the cross-country scene, and began asking for steep slopes…Holmes took gold this past March in the downhill at the World Cup, in Lenzerheide, Switzerland. When I ask what he thought of the course he rolls his eyes, sips his tea, and leans back, leveling me with what I’m sure he hopes is an intimidating glare. 'It’s snow, it’s slope. It’s science. If you know anything about physics there’s nothing to it at all.'" (Source)
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Photo: Courtesy of Castle Rock Entertainment.
Now we know Hamlet's true motivation was excelling at speed skating.

"He’d come fifth on the slopestyle snowboarding, but it didn’t bother him. "The halfpipe was where Horatio was at his best. The halfpipe was where he’d get the medal, and if not there, then the snowboard cross event. Denmark’s second ever Winter Olympics medal — if Hamlet didn’t get that honour in his 500m speed skating, of course." (Source)
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Photo: Courtesy of New Line Cinema.

Even characters from The Hobbit enjoy figure skating.

"'I'm only a singles skater, Tauriel,' he whispered, pulling her along with him. The chorus returned, and he glided around her excitedly, occasionally dipping to be almost horizontal, and at other times doing small jumps, letting his hands brush against hers. The opera voices of the song extended into intense chords, signifying the end of the piece. At each note, Kíli, with his original dance long forgotten, built up the intensity with spins, slides, and jumps, finally falling to his knees in front of her in a passionate statement." (Source)
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Photo: Courtesy of Instagram/@SageKotsenburg
Mark McMorris & Sage Kotsenburg confirm our suspicious about what goes on at the Olympic Village. Please note, these two are definitely fan favorites.

Mark reaches towards the ribbon of Sage’s gold medal and pulls him forward, pressing their mouths together in a clash of teeth. Sage tastes like Vodka and Cheetos and snow, and he lets out an enticing noise, twisting his head to catch a better angle and pulling Mark closer. It’s different than kissing Staale, new and dangerous and promising the same kind of creativity Sage uses on the slopes. Mark’s whole body is trembling, and he feels Sage’s hands clasp together on his lower back, holding him up. (Source)
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Photo: Courtesy of Marvel.
Well, just...we should have seen this one coming...
"Loki remembers the first time he competed against Thor in the Olympics. He wishes he didn't, but it's burned into his mind, probably never to be forgotten. He skated with Sif at the time, but they fought all the time – about Thor, mostly, because she was still on his side, and Loki ached for someone who would be faithful to him, only him. She called him selfish.

He'd thought they could win, win the gold, but halfway into it he'd realized that it wasn't going to happen. It had been like a slap to the face (a Natasha slap, full of sharp painted nails). Loki's jealousy was burning so bright he'd been sure Thor could see it from the inside of the changing rooms, a breathless Jane pressed against him." (Source)
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Photo: Courtesy of Nintendo.
Mario & Sonic team up, and there is a compelling conversation about cheating. Luckily, goodness prevails.

"Team Sonic and Team Mario went to sleep, but Waluigi, Bowser, and Wario were still awake in their room. 'Shh…be quiet so nobody can hear us,' Wario said. 'What are we doing?' Waluigi asked. 'We are going to cheat this time,' Wario said. "We can't cheat Wario. It's against the rules," Waluigi said. 'Oh yeah,' Wario said sadly. 'It would've been nice though, if we could cheat. We'll just settle for tomorrow.'" (Source)
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Photo: Courtesy of the Pittsburg Penguins.
The world of fan fiction really likes Canadian slash pairings. Here's one about Sidney Crosby and Jonathan Toews.

"But Sid wants so much that his teeth ache. He wants to not be alone; he wants to have won gold; he wants and he wants and he wants.

'I want,' he mumbles into Jon's mouth, drunk-honest, and Jon's fingers tighten where they're pressed against Sidney's shoulders. 'I want you.'" (Source)
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Photo: Courtesy of Lionsgate
Nothing says post-apocalyptic starvation society quite like curling.

"Not to be put off, Prim wields the puppy-dog face once more. 'Pleeeeease, Katniss? I’ve already paid to reserve our spot, and I really don’t want to go alone. Or alone with Johanna – she might bring an axe and insist on using it instead of a broom. Also, Peeta sounded cute over the phone…maybe he’s single?'" (Source)