20 Absurd Amazon Product Reviews

Originally intended to help consumers make more informed purchasing decisions, the Amazon customer review has been elevated to something of an art form and cultural phenomenon. Sure, you can look to the user-generated comments about a given product to find information like “true to fit” or “slightly hurt my toes when I wore them for pole dancing” (here’s looking at you, Lucite stilettos), but you can also find long, heroic tales of fighting dragons thanks to the aid of an everyday toothbrush.
Sometimes, customers will go out of their way to turn a product into a hilarious meme — just look at the Three Wolf Moon shirt or How to Avoid Huge Ships. Other times, an attempt to be sincere is inadvertently more humorous than the comment comedians who go out of their way to craft over-the-top hyperbole about a gallon of milk. Whether real or just trying really hard, these 20 over-the-top product reviews are proof that people can have strong opinions on just about anything.
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Photo: Courtesy of UrnConcern.
The UrnConcern Classic Cremation Urn. Hand Engraved Solid Brass With Black Lacquer Coat
Where to buy an urn is something you really never want to think about, so we guess it’s helpful to know that Amazon sells them. While other reviewers, who wrote serious remarks about using the urn for its intended purpose, may not like this one by “justsomeguy,” he does bring some levity to a most unexpected place.

Review: Great urn, 4 stars, justsomeguy
“I used this daily. I keep my brown sugar in it. So when people come over, they say "Whoa dude who's in the urn!?" and I say "It's my Uncle Albert — he tastes pretty sweet!" and I immediately open it and scoop out a spoonful of "ashes" and eat it! Immediately someone screeches or faints or pukes. It's loads of fun! Works on strangers, mailmen, ugly neighbors, just about anyone with a sense of humor, or lack thereof! Try it today! PS: Use brown sugar and not actual ashes.”
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Photo: Courtesy of The Mountain.
The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee
This is the gold standard of ironic Amazon reviews that launched the whole product-feedback-as-comedy meme. One reviewer really went above and beyond, making a video in which Pocahontas sings about the magic powers of a three-wolf moon T-shirt. Listening to the music swell, you almost believe a cotton shirt with three wolves could, indeed, change your life. (And, #sorrynotsorry that you’ll have “Colors of the Wind” on repeat in your head for the foreseeable future.)

Review: Video Proof of the Shirts Power!, 5 stars, Dustin Drury "Dr. Coolsex Comedy"
“The Three Wolf Moon shirts power is obvious. This video is living proof that you will get women, and fly. Most importantly my son was born without bones and when I put this shirt on him he grew bones. Don't ask me how it happened but the magic is there. I wish I could hug the designer of this shirt and thank them for everything they have done for my family.”
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Photo: Courtesy of Bic.
BIC Cristal for Her Ball Pen
Do members of the fairer sex require special writing implements? The kind folks at BIC seem to think so, which is why they made these elegantly designed ballpoint pens with a special thin barrel to fit in our dainty hands. Now, if they’d just introduce a version with smelling salts in the cap for when the taxing process of writing things down brings on a touch of the vapors.

Review: FINALLY, 5 stars, Tracy Hamilton
“Someone has answered my gentle prayers and FINALLY designed a pen that I can use all month long! I use it when I'm swimming, riding a horse, walking on the beach and doing yoga. It's comfortable, leak-proof, non-slip and it makes me feel so feminine and pretty! Since I've begun using these pens, men have found me more attractive and approchable. It has given me soft skin and manageable hair and it has really given me the self-esteem I needed to start a book club and flirt with the bag-boy at my local market. My drawings of kittens and ponies have improved, and now that I'm writing my last name hyphenated with the Robert Pattinson's last name, I really believe he may some day marry me! I'm positively giddy. Those smart men in marketing have come up with a pen that my lady parts can really identify with.

Where has this pen been all my life???”
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Photo: Courtesy of Hutzler.
Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer
This plastic, dishwasher-safe fruit cutter only costs $3.48, so it doesn’t really need the thousands of exuberant reviews to convince you to order one. And, it’s not just the reviews that are great — the customer Q&A section has brilliant advice about banana-perceived aggression, DNA teaching aids, and more.

Review: Saved my marriage, 5 stars, Mrs. Toledo
“What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn't already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone.... this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day's banana slices. It's one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old "I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?" and of course, "You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!" These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That's when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we've even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!”
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Photo: Courtesy of Mizuno USA.
Mizuno Women’s Wave Rider 16 Running Shoe
The shoes that Wendy Davis wore during her marathon filibuster in the Texas Senate became the top-selling women’s shoes on Amazon the following day. They have since fallen from the number-one spot, but thanks to the reviews, sneaker shoppers will forever know that the Wave Rider 16 is the best shoe for outrunning the patriarchy.

Review: Choice, 5 stars, Laura Quigley
“I am so confused on which color to buy! I really need a man to decide this for me because after all, being a woman, I am incapable of making my own decisions which affect only me.”
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Photo: Courtesy of Simon & Schuster.
Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs
First published in 1968, this beloved children’s book has inspired multiple sequels and two animated movies, both major box office successes. Not everyone is won over by its charm, however, as evidenced by this negative review from Sam_2997, or “Sam,” as clarifies. We recommend he write his own version for vegan children, Cloudy With a Chance of Tofu Dogs, lest they be permanently converted to the life of carnivores by a fantasy story in which meat rains down from the heavens.

Review: Not suitable for vegan children, 1 star, Sam_2997 “Sam”
“Maybe this book belongs to a different time and place. The illustrations are great but I wouldn't recommend it for a child being raised as a vegan. The underlying premise perpetuates carnism.”
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Photo: Courtesy of Cornell Maritime Press / Tidewater.
How to Avoid Huge Ships
This very real (but now out of print) book has a title that’s pretty much begging for sarcastic Amazon reviews. But Internet haters aren’t the only ones to question the utility and necessity of a sea captain’s manual that teaches recreational yachters how to avoid crossing into the paths of freighters, barges, and other utilitarian crafts normally found in shipping lanes: It also won the 1992 Bookseller/Diagram Prize for “Oddest Book Title of the Year” and spawned a parody entitled How to Avoid Huge Shits , which teaches readers how to avoid stepping in dog feces.

Review: TOO Informative, 1 star, Dan
“Read this book before going on vacation and I couldn't find my cruise liner in the port. Vacation ruined.”
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Photo: Courtesy of Brookstone.
AutoExec Wheelmate Steering Wheel Attachable Work Surface Tray
Per its description, the Wheelmate Steering Wheel Attachable Work Surface Tray was “Developed for the mobile worker on the road needing support for their tablet or a great place to write.” Guess all the snarky Amazon reviewers have plum office jobs and therefore cannot fathom a world in which they would need a flat surface on which to do work or eat in their stationary car. If they had their way, this tray would be the star of Death of a Salesman 2: Willy Loman Succumbs to Workplace Hazards (Checking Facebook While Driving).

Review: Its so easy!, 3 stars, Jeremy Lira
“So easy to use! I'm flying down I-10 right now typing away at this keyboard not a care in the world. Really so easy and convenien..# fsfa jsdlfkadvfldnm8fgssssssss............foi343ofggggggggggggggggggggggggnjkvkskjvanBFwr0[e89v98vskdvnaekjnkj 2 32”
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Photo: Courtesy of TBS The Book Service Ltd.
Microwave for One
The title says it all, really. Publisher’s Weekly actually named this the Worst Book Ever. Amazon commenters just added sad, depressing fuel to the sad, depressing fire convection heat source.

Review: Can also be used as an imaginary friend, 4 stars, HJ Baltimore
“Frankly, I was skeptical about purchasing this book, but my god it has been a life saver. After the divorce, the only thing I managed to keep custody of was my trusty microwave, and breaking the habit of cooking for two people was proving quite difficult. But wouldn't you know it, soon I was making single serving cakes to choke down as I cried myself to sleep under the freeway. I was so satisfied that I have now ordered the companion book, ‘How to Get Your Co-Worker­s to Care About Your Constant Suicide Threats.’”
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Photo: Courtesy of Reynolds Wrap.
Reynolds Wrap Aluminum Foil 2-Pack
Sometimes you just need a lot of aluminum foil — whether it’s for playing office pranks, outfitting your cats for LARPing, or blocking out signals from the mothership. Luckily, Reynolds Wrap offers a 2-pack of rolls that fulfills all of your foil needs.

Review: Perfect for every object at the office!, 5 stars, Andrew A. Russell
“This was just enough to cover every object in my manager's cubicle on his last day. We'd already exhausted other methods of saying good-bye (Stretch filming every object, filling the cubicle with baloons, etc). The Reynolds Wrap was able to tranform his workspace into a silver-wonderland suitable for the Tin Man from the Wizard of OZ!”
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Photo: Courtesy of Wenger.
Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife
This giant Swiss Army knife from Wenger is "designed with an incredible 87 implements that perform 141 functions, making it the only tool you'll need to get any job done,” reads the product description. Which is good, because if you own one of these, you’ll be the only tool around to do the job.

Review: almost perfect, 4 stars, tablia
“I had no idea that Rosetta Stone was installed on this Wenger! What an incredible stroke of luck as I was recently stranded in Kaltovia without a Kaltovian phrase book. Turns out the phrase for "my biscuits are burning!!!" in Kaltovian is "wup shee hann to".. (a strange coincidence that that same exact phrase means "Fat Hillbilly!!"" in Mandarin... The record player ( tool 237 ) was a huge letdown however. I had put on a "LEARN SPANISH WHILE YOU SLEEP" record on the Wenger last night and the record must have skipped all night because when I woke up I found that I could only stutter in Spanish.. The Albatross circumcision tool works outstanding and also doubles as a pedometer.. who knew!! The Pre-Cambrian Dutch Whistle (tool 35)worked well but was slightly pitchy at altitudes over 1000 feet. I accidentally called in a French courtesan named Semolina with it at around 2078 feet. Luckily (for me) tool 679 is a mini condom.. I was SHOCKED when the portable MRI tool(390) actually found that I have male and female genitalia. (have been living as a man).. This would explain the slightly sensuous way that I eat a banana.. The song naming tool (3321) worked flawlessly when it spit out a name for a country tune I had just written. "Grandma Get Off The Stove, You're Too Old To Ride The Range"... Tool 8990 is a rap music producer. Sometimes while closing the rap producer tool, the Rolex gets hung up on the scissors tool and does not close properly.. otherwise would have been 5 out of 5 stars.....”
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Photo: Courtesy of Hasbro.
Twister Rave Skip-It Game
You'd think a product that combines not one, but two, of your favorite childhood game and toy memories would be a bigger hit on the EDM festival circuit than Deadmau5, but the Twister Rave Skip-It has gone relatively unnoticed among the “nostalgic children of the 90s” set. It also has mixed reviews on Amazon regarding its intended use (toy quality has really gone downhill since our youths), but we're glad it could be there for Phyllis Casteel when her family was having a particularly rough day.

Review: twister rave, 5 stars, Phyllis Casteel
“My daughters Yorkie was killed by a pit bull the day before I received it. I brought it to my granddaughter that afternoon. It put everyone in a better mood for a while playing with it.”
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Photo: Courtesy of Tuscan.
Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon
If Edgar Allan Poe reviewed products on Amazon, this is exactly how it would go. Quoth the Refinery editors, “Please, more!”

Review: Make this your only stock and store, 5 stars, Edgar
“Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts 'N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
'Bad condensor, that,' I muttered, 'vibrating the icebox door -
Only this, and nothing more.'”
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Photo: Courtesy of ThinkGeek.
Canned Unicorn Meat
No, it’s not real (think of the scandal it would cause at the United Nations of Lisa Frank Rainbows, Puppies, Happiness, and Neon!), but reviewers still managed to get pretty creative with their reviews for what would essentially be unicorn Spam.

Review: It’s delicious, but…, 4 stars, Irma Gerd
“Do NOT eat too much of this stuff at once. I had the rainbow runs for a week. The entire complex smelled like hopes and dreams.”
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Photo: Courtesy of BMG International.
Looking For — Best of David Hasselhoff
Yes, this is on Spotify. You’re welcome.

Review: David, Je T'Aime means I love you, 5 stars, Nahum Meadowsong "rabbits"
“If you love something set it free. If it goes to Germany, puts on tight pants one leg at a time, and proceeds to make a timeless anthem to bland angst, you give it 1043 Five star reviews on Amazon.

One word of caution - I played this record backwards and my Pontiac started by itself and drove through the garage wall.

'Hotshot City' is particularly good!”
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Photo: Courtesy of Icon Group International.
The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China
This is a self-published econometric study on exactly what the title says. We eagerly anticipate the author’s best-selling follow up, The 2014-2019 Prospectus for Plastic Drain Snakes in Outer Mongolia.

Review: Review, 5 stars, Lance Kates
“All i did was look at the cover, but i already knew from the start. This is, without a doubt, still a better story than Twilight.”
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Photo: Courtesy of Cashel.
The Daddle By Cashel
A harness for kids who take pony riding on dad’s back very seriously.

Review: Not Appropriate For Dressage!, 3 stars, Wandrwoman "Wise as Aphrodite, Beautiful as Athena..."
“Please note that this Daddle is Western Style and will not be appropriate for those trained in the English Father Riding Method whereby one holds a rein in each hand and posts the trot. If you are looking forward to father jumping, father fox hunting, father polo or daddy dressage you will not be able to use this Daddle. Western Daddle riders hold the reins with one hand, and sit the trot. The pommel or horn on this Daddle is meant to hold a lariat which is useful when roping cattle or other competing or unruly fathers.”
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Photo: Courtesy of Avery.
Avery Durable View Binder
Mitt Romney’s “binder full of women” is sold separately from Natasha Bedingfield’s “pocketful of sunshine.”

Review: Wow, I feel secure!, 5 stars, LeeBo
“As a wife and mother, I LOVE this binder. It keeps me in my place, allows me to get dinner ready on time, AND only costs 72% of the more masculine version. Some people might think it's sexist, but sheesh, I'm not binding my feet, just my brain. Extra bonus, if you sit on it just right, it can act as an effective method of birth control! Full disclosure: I submitted this under my husband's account, with his full permission. He is the head of our household, and the owner of the binder.”
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Photo: Courtesy of 3dRose.
Emma Boston Terrier Iron On Heat Transfers
Reviews for this product suggest some straight-up Amelia Bedelia action, i.e. the instructions don’t actually say that the transfer should be applied to a shirt, not human skin. So, here’s some enlightenment for potential buyers: If you’re buying this because you want a Boston terrier indelibly etched on your torso, have you ever heard of a...tattoo?

Review: No manufacturer warning about application location, 1 star, A. J. Hill "Likes Turtles"
“Did not read previous reviewers warning and applied this design directly to my chest. The $11.99 price tag was cheaper than the $59.99 I was quoted at the local tattoo parlor for the same design. Disappointed in the results. Severe bleeding and irritation, nervous ticks, and occasional dysfunction of my more sensitive parts. Will be contacting the seller directly.”
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Photo: Courtesy of Passion Lubes.
Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant - 55 Gallon
Why would you ever need a 55-gallon lube keg? Well, if you’d ever been to a Dionysian Bacchanalia, you wouldn’t ask such silly questions. So, go ahead and order one so we can party like it’s CLXXXVI B.C.

Review: It's been 10 long, amazing years., 5 stars, Malcolm D. Campbell
“A little over a decade ago, I bought my 55 gallon drum of lube. I never thought I'd use it all but a few days ago the pump finally ran dry. I've had a lot of good times with it. My wife, too. And not just what you'd think. One day I just hosed down our hardwood-floored hallway so I could use it as a slip-n-slide. You shouldn't think of this as a 'purchase.' It's an 'investment.' An investment sure to pay off in spades.”
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