Full disclosure: We really don't mean to be Debbie Downers here. At heart, we're complete romantics. We're always fighting for the guy to get the girl — or the girl to get the guy. Well, almost always.
Maybe it's the fact that we've become dispassionate New Yorkers, but in some situations, it's just hard not to be cynical. Sure, movies and TV get to live in a magical land where rules and circumstances don't always matter, but some onscreen relationships are just too magical for us to fathom.
So, it's not that we don't gush over the idea of meeting our true love on top of the Empire State Building, but doing so with a complete stranger who has essentially become a long-distance stalker? Maybe we're just a bit too traditional, but here they are — the ten onscreen couples that would never, ever make it in the real world.
Photo: Courtesy of Warner Brothers.
Dean & Rory, Gilmore Girls
People may have their opinions of Rory Gilmore, but we think she's a diamond in the rough. She's adorable, precocious, and so darn intelligent. So, when we watch her dating someone whose interests don't align with hers at all — we have to call foul. In real life, most Yale grads don't let anything get in the way of their goals, much less silly puppy love. She'd see right through Dean's vapidness — and, more importantly, those two would have absolutely nothing to talk about.
Photo: Courtesy of Paramount Pictures.
Josh & Cher, Clueless
The first few hundred times we watched this classic, we were overjoyed when Josh and Cher ended up together. But, it was somewhere around the 302nd viewing that it finally hit us: These two are step-siblings. That's a little disturbing. Granted, there's no blood relation and they clearly have feelings for each other, but no parent would ever allow the relationship to go on. Only in Lala Land...
Photo: Courtesy of Universal Pictures.
Ben & Allison, Knocked Up
We're super jazzed that Ben and Allison were able to make things work and all, but we're worried this gives off the wrong message. Not only is it unlikely that two people who meet in a club on a random school night will have anything in common, but they also have literally none of the same values or goals. We know that opposites attract, but we've also learned enough to know that if the views don't align, it ain't gonna happen.
Photo: Courtesy of 20th Century Fox.
Sen. Jay & Nina, Bulworth
There are so many unrealistic things here that we can't even count. But, despite having a mental breakdown and facing death, no stuffy white politician would have such a dramatic change of heart. We think a lot of today's congressman and senators could certainly benefit from a little dose of reality a la Nina, but that's just wishful thinking.
Photo: Courtesy of Dreamworks.
Donkey & Dragon, Shrek
We have a bone to pick. Sure, these two are all kinds of adorable, but to quote one of our R29 staff members, "How do they copulate?!" It's still just the 21st century, and last we checked interspecies mating wasn't really a "thing" yet.
Photo: Courtesy of NBC.
Rachel & Ross, Friends
Okay, this one hurts us. Sure, we rooted for Ross and Rachel the first time around. He is her lobster, after all. And, we even had high hopes when they rekindled the flame ("We were on a break" drama aside). But, after seven years of on-again, off-again business, including countless partners, a failed marriage attempt, and a child, there's no way anyone would give it that one last shake. Besides, who's going to take care of Joey?
Photo: Courtesy of NBC.
George & Susan, Seinfeld
There's not a whole lot to say here, because truthfully we didn't really get to know Susan too well. But, can we all agree that it's pretty insane for anyone to marry George? Truth be told, he's mean to everyone he knows and his morals are more than questionable. Of course, that's the schtick behind his humor, but we still don't think anyone would walk down the aisle to that song.
Photo: Courtesy of TriStar Pictures.
Sam & Annie, Sleepless In Seattle
Let's paint you a picture: You're a grieving widower, whose son (albeit adorably) went on the radio to try and snag you a date. A woman (albeit a sweet one) hears the plea, and begins to write you letters. Then, she follows you aaaaalllll the way to New York City, where she expects you to be so enamored by her toothy grin and girlish braid that you pay no mind to her inappropriateness — or the fact that you know nothing about her. Maybe we're just cynics, but we like to at least vet a person before we cue Jimmy Durante.
Photo: Courtesy of New Line Cinema.
Noah & Allie, The Notebook
That's right, we said it. But seriously, it's hard for us to wrap our heads around the fact that a gorgeous, sensitive guy would pine for the same, uninterested commitment-phobe for so long. Maybe we're just bitter, but we think that Noah was way too good for Allie. Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling were a dream pairing, but their circumstances were just too much to overcome. We don't care how romantic the end result was.
Photo: Courtesy of Buena Vista Pictures.
Jack & Lucy, While You Were Sleeping
All of Sandra Bullock's charm aside, this woman masqueraded as a dying man's wife. Maybe it was kind of an accident and she got stuck in the train tracks of a lie, but it was a lie nonetheless. And, the guy was in a C-O-M-A. There's just no way his brother would be able to look past that creepiness, even if she did take pretty good care of Jack while he was down and out.