Hard truths, right? Anyways, we'd like to take this occasion to go through a few of the things that make up a tasteful nude photo. Not that Teigen needs our help. But in case you, too, are planning on starring in a video with John Legend, we thought this might be helpful.
Always, always black and white. If it's in color, that's just absurd. If it's in sepia, you look like you're posing for one of those novelty Western brothel pictures at the mall. If it's on Instagram, well, filter as you see fit.
Work your shadows. And your angles, for that matter. Why flaunt it all up front when you can leave some grainy, dark areas to the imagination?
Include one (1) gorgeous fiancé. If John Legend is also making an appearance in your photo, nobody's going to complain. Nobody in this office, at least.
Natural lighting is your friend. Your face doesn't look good under halogens; why wouldn't the same be true of your lady lumps?
Place an artful, vaguely vaginal sculpture in the background. This will distract from the main event and clarify to viewers that this is not pornography (or at least, it's very fancy pornography).
Memorize these tips, and you, too, will look as beautiful and sensual and radiant as Chrissy Teigen in your next nude photo. This statement has not been approved by the FDA. Tips also do not apply to individuals by the name of Anthony Weiner. Thank you and have a great day!