Hump, Marry, Kill: Mona Lisa Vile



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Hump: Lifetime’s latest “what segment of the American population have we not exploited yet?” reality foray, Preachers’ Daughters, follows three teenagers who are all living out the stereotype of a wayward pastor’s child to a T. They want to date and succumb to the temptations of the flesh, as one preacher dad tells the audience — and succumb they do.

Eighteen-year-old Olivia introduces herself in the same tone of voice I would use to say, for example, “I went to the store and bought some gum today.” Except, what Olivia considers “normal” and “not at all mortifying to admit on national television” is that she used to party a lot and drive while on acid. This caused her to get into a car accident and have her license suspended. On top of all that, she got pregnant. Oh, and she’s not quite sure who the father of her baby is, so Olivia’s story arc throughout the season will involve a lot of paternity tests.

Now, I’m not saying I condone any of the aforementioned behavior (seriously, acid and driving?), I just sort of dig Olivia’s ho-hum “well, this happened, and I’m just going to be totally honest about it to millions of viewers and still show my face in church” attitude. But seriously, don’t trip and drive, kids.

Marry: I wish every week on SNL could be like a Justin Timberlake episode. When JT’s on the show — he joined the “famed” Five-Timers Club this past Saturday — everyone SHOWS UP. The writers, the other cast members...there’s just an energy that comes through the camera that isn’t there with most other hosts. It helps that Timberlake is extremely talented. Imagine trying to carry one of the “Bring it on down to [Insert store/restaurant of-choice here]-ville” sketches? In those scenes, Timberlake has to remember lyrics (they’re on cue cards, but when you’re rapping new words you just learned a few days ago to “Ice Ice Baby,” there’s not that much time to read), choreography, blocking — and wear a ridiculous costume. Plus, this is all happening on live television. There’s no denying the man is a performer and entertainer of a rare, distinguished breed.

For those of you jonesing for more Justin, he was the musical performer and willing sketch participant all week on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. I highly recommend taking a breather (it is Friday, after all) and watching Timberlake, Fallon, and Steve Carrell at a suit-and-tie store on the fictional (and recurring) show, Jacob’s Patience — mostly for the Lance Bass joke.

Kill: I honestly never thought this day would come. This is almost painful. A character from my beloved Parks and Recreation is getting the axe. Not just any character either, but the twin sister of one of the best fictional people ever created: Jean-Ralphio Saperstein. Mona Lisa Saperstein (played by Jenny Slate, who’s pretty awesome in everything else she does, which leads me to believe the character is the problem) is the worst. How do we know she’s the worst? Because Jean-Ralphio, the loveable blowhard himself, says it over and over again.

Ben Schwartz gets limited time off from his Showtime series, House of Lies (which is awful), to shoot sporadic Parks and Rec appearances. Therefore, when the writers get access to him, they should be using him in all his glory. I’m talking horrible rapping, leading drumlines, harassing Ron Swanson — the whole Jean-Ralphio extravaganza. When Mona Lisa’s there, however, he’s reduced to telling people she’s the worst. Repeatedly.

And she does totally suck, but you’re better than this, Parks.