Hump, Marry, Kill: The Real Nannies Of Beverly Hills



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Hump: Scruffy Matt Bomer on White Collar.

There is no need to elaborate. Happy birthday to us all.

Marry: Brace yourselves: You knew it was coming. That’s right, I’m jumping on the Louis C.K. lovin’ bandwagon. This week’s Louie episode? Oh man. It was, to quote the man himself, “wonderful.”

Louie heads down to Miami for a series of gigs. At first, he stands out like a literal sore thumb — after all, he’s a pale, freckled redhead in a sea of tanned, toned, sun gods. (I feel his pain completely.) Then, something magical happens: He makes a friend, a handsome Adonis of a lifeguard named Ramon who thinks he’s drowning, and the two hit it off.

Soon, Louie is changing his flight back to New York to have more time with his hunky new hombre. He gleefully calls his ex-wife, who thinks he’s “met someone.” Too embarrassed to tell her it’s actually a platonic male friend, Louie simply smiles and goes to romp in the ocean with Ramon.

Since this is Louis C.K., however, all good things cannot actually be good things. During a brilliant “conversation” (read: series of grunts and awkward pauses) over drinks, the two agree they can never hang out again due to how excited they are about becoming such fast friends. Oh, straight dudes, why are you the way you are?

Whatever, more Louie for me to love, as long as we honeymoon somewhere cold and beachless.

Kill: On Wednesday, ABC Family debuted Beverly Hills Nannies. Picture The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills when they were still raising their kids — I mean, when they were still pretending to be the ones raising their kids. One of the nannies on the show actually used to be Kyle Richards’ manny. Authentic!

The show is ostensibly supposed to focus on HBIC (That’s Head Bitch In Charge: A total term of endearment in my book because women who kick ass and take names are awesome.) Kristin, who acts as a mother hen for younger nannies in addition to showing a more entrepreneurial spirit by starting a nanny-referral service. But, the producers know we don’t just want to see a bunch of nannies talking about spending time with four-year-olds.

And boy, do they deliver with one mother in particular. Ari (short for Ariane Bellamar, whose website informs me that she’s a “Playboy Bunny, actress and model”) is vapid, self-involved, and seems to think she’s compelling. Here are just a few Ari gems from the first episode of Beverly Hills Nannies:

“I think that people assume I’m the typical Malibu Barbie just because I keep myself up and I’m curvy...and they would be right. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be me?”

“I need a nanny for so many reasons. I’m getting married, and we need help planning the wedding. We also need help with [her completely calm three-and-a-half-year-old daughter] Emma on the day of the wedding.” (Ari also has an assistant.)

Potential Nanny: "How’d you meet your husband?"

Ari: "He was actually the best man at my first wedding."

Ari is also notoriously horrible to nannies, so this week’s episode showed her interviewing three potential candidates. She then took one of them to her wedding-cake tasting and proceeded to rate the nanny candidate on a scale of 1-10 in a variety of areas to her face. She also fought to include “cute appeal” because hey, it’s Malibu. I guess we can be glad she’s letting someone else raise her daughter.

Photo: Courtesy of Javier Pesquera/USA Network; Courtesy of FX; Courtesy of ABC Family