This Is What Every Type Of Guy On Bumble Smells Like

Illustrated by Bill Rebholz.
There are endless things we'd like to pre-screen our Bumble dates for. What's their voting record? Are they rude to wait staff? Do they ask to kiss you instead of just kissing you (because ick)? But, sigh, finding out the answers to these questions requires putting on pants, getting an Uber, and trying not to mention that you stalked their ex's dog's Instagram account an hour earlier.
There is one thing you can go in knowing, however: what they're gonna smell like. How? I mean, I don't like to stereotype, but as a straight, cisgender twenty-something woman suffering dating in NYC who also happens to be a beauty editor, I have a pretty good grasp on the colognes worn by the seven prototypes of dudes on apps. Ahead, the totally non-scientific guide to what you're going to be getting a whiff of on your date.
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Illustrated by Bill Rebholz.
Dave's planning an epic backpacking trip to Peru next summer and wants a down chick to come along. If you aren't bothered by the fact that he doesn't understand the ethical ramifications of elephant rides in Thailand and believes the tigers he posed with at the monastery were just "sleepy," then buckle up for an adrenaline-fueled, physically exhausting fling.
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This scent, "for the man who pushes limits to the edge and flirts with extreme sensations," is hedonism bottled. It jolts you with a hit of coffee essence, then wraps you in a warm, woody, and, yes, sweet (that's the blood orange note) bear hug.

Ralph Lauren Polo Red Extreme, $75, available at Sephora.
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Illustrated by Bill Rebholz.
"Work hard, play harder. Can you keep up?" reads Blake's bio. He's got a penthouse apartment with floor to ceiling windows and spends his summers in Montauk surrounded by jumbo-sized bottles of Whispering Angel. With him, you'll feel as if you're finally living the life of luxury you were destined for — until you find someone else's underwear stashed in his couch, which, in time, you always will.
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And this — a scent that is pure sex and money, thanks to bergamot, patchouli, and ambroxan — is what gets the aforementioned panties off.

Prada Luna Rossa Carbon, $66, available at Sephora.
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Illustrated by Bill Rebholz.
"Can veins ever break through skin?" is a thing you will Google immediately after your date, which will really just be a drunk presentation on bulletproof coffee and SmackDown.
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Just the thing for the man who spends a large chunk of his life flexing in front of mirrors: an eau de toilette that smells at once like a shower and salty sweat. Spray it while humming "We Are the Champions" for best results.

Paco Rabanne Invictus Intense, $70, available at Macy's.
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Illustrated by Bill Rebholz.
Meet Mr. "I Don't Keep Up With Pop Culture." He can fix just about anything, finished Infinite Jest (or likes to say he did), and rescued his funny-looking mutt from under an overpass, but refuses to admit that Justin Bieber songs are catchy and McNuggets are delicious.
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Just because this scent brings to mind some cliché rugged dude things — worn leather hides, campfires, body heat — doesn't mean it's predictable. It opens with incense and heady, overripe citrus before getting woody and herbal then drying down to a musky, animalistic finish thanks to castoreum and amber notes. It's intense, as is the guy who wears it.

D.S. & Durga Freetrapper, $230, available at D.S. & Durga.
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Illustrated by Bill Rebholz.
No bio and all his photos are from Men's Warehouse ad campaigns, and yet... you swipe right every damn time for the potential ego boost. Thinking of an opening line to use on him is especially difficult, but it doesn't matter in the end because there's only a 5% chance he'll respond anyway.
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The bow tie on the bottle is a fitting touch, given how charming, sophisticated, and playful this scent — inspired by London at night — is. It's warm and mildly spicy, with cinnamon, amber, and vetiver, but lavender lends a clean, subtly sweet quality that'll make you want to borrow it, too.

Mr. Burberry Eau de Parfum, $95, available at Sephora.
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Illustrated by Bill Rebholz.
"Third pic is my nephew, no kids, never married," Paul will assure you in his bio, but don't be fooled: This dude is thirsting for a white picket fence and Goldendoodle. He'll take you to jazz, have a responsible two drinks, and make pleasant conversation. "So nice, but no connection," you'll text the group chat after.
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It's hard to find anything about this scent offensive. It's crisp and clean — like fresh air and sunshine on a morning hike. Some might say it's too safe; others would call it reliable.

Lacoste L.12.12 Pour Lui Magnetic, $74, available at Lacoste.
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Illustrated by Bill Rebholz.
Don't worry about figuring out who he is at the bar, since none of his photos have less than three identical-looking people in them: He'll show up late and come to you, tipsy already from drinks with his co-workers, and spend approximately 30 minutes talking about how long his hours are.
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Smell like the job you want they always say, right? With notes of spicy ginger, rich leather, maninka fruit (an aphrodisiac out of South Africa you've likely never heard of), and vanilla, this cologne screams power and traditional masculinity — in other words, very Goldman Sachs VP.

Hugo Boss Boss The Scent Intense, $76, available at Sephora.
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