I love summer blockbusters. I really do, and not in an ironic way, either. The big-budget movies that blast their way into theaters right around the movie doldrums — April, I’m looking at you — are simple, and delightful in their simplicity. There are good guys. There are bad guys. Occasionally, Zac Efron shows up shirtless. (This will happen this summer in the reboot of Baywatch. Do with that information what you will.) Cars explode, one character enjoys a surplus of twee one-liners, and we all sleep easy that night, reassured that American cinema is just as obnoxious as it’s always been.
What I’m trying to say is, the summer blockbuster is the film version of a one night stand. For just one night — or 2-plus hours — you get to enjoy yourself without thinking of things like narrative coherence or plausibility. When it’s all over, you get to forget about it. (Mostly.) The best summer blockbusters help you feel a sort of seasonal catharsis, a cleansing of the cinema intellect so that you’re calm by the time the heady films arrive in October.
So, there’s no commitment involved in watching a blockbuster. But reading about them and following all the hype can be exhausting. (When did it become tradition to release four different trailers for a movie?) For your convenience, I’ve summarized the blockbusters coming out this summer. For your convenience and my pleasure, I’ve summarized the upcoming summer blockbusters in haiku form. That’s right — each film gets 17 syllables of description. No more, no less. No florid adjectives and no excessive use of the word “mind-blowing.” Read them, enjoy them, and get the eff ready for summer.