Your Haiku Guide To The Upcoming Summer Blockbusters

Illustrated by Isabella DiMarzio.
I love summer blockbusters. I really do, and not in an ironic way, either. The big-budget movies that blast their way into theaters right around the movie doldrums — April, I’m looking at you — are simple, and delightful in their simplicity. There are good guys. There are bad guys. Occasionally, Zac Efron shows up shirtless. (This will happen this summer in the reboot of Baywatch. Do with that information what you will.) Cars explode, one character enjoys a surplus of twee one-liners, and we all sleep easy that night, reassured that American cinema is just as obnoxious as it’s always been.
What I’m trying to say is, the summer blockbuster is the film version of a one night stand. For just one night — or 2-plus hours — you get to enjoy yourself without thinking of things like narrative coherence or plausibility. When it’s all over, you get to forget about it. (Mostly.) The best summer blockbusters help you feel a sort of seasonal catharsis, a cleansing of the cinema intellect so that you’re calm by the time the heady films arrive in October.
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So, there’s no commitment involved in watching a blockbuster. But reading about them and following all the hype can be exhausting. (When did it become tradition to release four different trailers for a movie?) For your convenience, I’ve summarized the blockbusters coming out this summer. For your convenience and my pleasure, I’ve summarized the upcoming summer blockbusters in haiku form. That’s right — each film gets 17 syllables of description. No more, no less. No florid adjectives and no excessive use of the word “mind-blowing.” Read them, enjoy them, and get the eff ready for summer.
1 of 16
King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

Feat: Charlie Hunnam, Jude,

Eric Bana, and that

guy from “Game Of Thrones.”

Release Date: May 12, 2017
2 of 16
Snatched

Amy Schumer and

Goldie Hawn get kidnapped in

Mexico — Funny?

Release Date: May 12, 2017
3 of 16
Alien: Covenant

Ridley Scott reboots

that movie with creepy-crawly

space creatures in chests.

Release Date: May 19, 2017
4 of 16
Baywatch

Turns out, life guards lead

Really glamorous lives and

Actually have fun.

Release Date: May 26, 2017
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5 of 16
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Javier Bardem

in a tale of Jack Sparrow,

his kid, and pirates.

Release Date: May 26, 2017
6 of 16
Wonder Woman

Amazon princess,

one shield, a sword, and spandex —

Pretty wondrous, no?

Release Date: June 2, 2017
7 of 16
The Mummy

Tom Cruise awakens

a vengeful mummy lady

and terror ensues.

Release Date: June 9, 2017
8 of 16
Rough Night

Scarlett Johansson

(and squad) accidentally

kills a stripper — Oof.

Release Date: June 16, 2017
9 of 16
Transformers: The Last Knight

Surprise: girl power

and massive fighting robots

are great complements!

Release Date: June 23, 2017
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10 of 16
Baby Driver

Billed as an “action

Musical” and, truth be told,

All you need to know.

Release Date: June 28, 2017
11 of 16
Spider-Man: Homecoming

Wait — Is Zendaya

In this movie or not? It’s

Unclear and doubtful.

Release Date: July 6, 2017
12 of 16
War for the Planet of the Apes

It’s the apes versus

Woody Harrelson in a

CGI battle.

Release Date: July 14, 2017
13 of 16
Girls Trip

Exactly as it sounds —

Girls head to New Orleans and

silliness ensues!

Release Date: July 21, 2017
14 of 16
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Here be liberal

use of Green screen plus Cara

Delevingne and boy.

Release Date: July 21, 2017
15 of 16
Tulip Fever

Shakespeare in Love, but

for people who hated that

movie anyway.

Release Date: August 25, 2017
16 of 16
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