30 Non-Lame Relationship Coupons That Make Priceless Gifts For Your Partner

Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Relationship coupons are the perfect gift to give your partner when you’re broke — or totally forgot to get a gift.

Unfortunately, the only relationship coupons we’ve seen tend to be pretty lame or bizarre. You know, things like “Good For One Free Cuddle” — as if you usually charge money to touch your loved one — or “Good For One Breakfast In Bed,” which isn’t much of a gift as it is a death wish (do you know how dangerous it is to eat while lying down?). “Good For One Guilt-Free Night Out With Your Friends” isn’t really sweet, it’s controlling. Are you giving this to your partner or your child?

Lucky for you, I’ve put together a collection of non-lame, fun, and actually useful coupons for you to print, share, and enjoy with your partner. If you don’t have the time or resources to get a gift, or just want to add a fun touch to a gift you’re already giving, see if one of these might work well for your boo. (Or hey, send these to your partner if you think you deserve one of these. A little holiday gift hinting never hurt anybody.)

Ahead, 30 relationship coupons that will make for priceless gifts.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For One Complaint-Free Activity With Your Sexist Friend/Family Member

In most relationships, there’s that one relative, buddy from high school, or co-worker that you just can’t stand — let’s say, this person is a sexist douche — but for whatever reason, your boo keeps them around. This coupon assures your partner that you will smile and nod at all of this person’s disgusting misogynist jokes. (Once.)
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For One Night Where You Get To Spread Out On The Bed

For one night, you promise to not kick, shove, or nudge your partner if they creep over to your side of the bed. Yes, on this very special (and probably uncomfortable for you) night, they get to sprawl out like a starfish, and you’ll just have to deal.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For One Thing That You Want Me To Say (Or Not Say) During Sex

You know how, sometimes, when you love your partner, you’re suddenly unable to call them a “filthy whore” while riding them like a stranger? Well, this is your chance to say whatever it is they want you to say.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For One Day Of Washing The Dishes

Even if the sink is filled with all of their dishes (including, like, 20 glasses because they always use a new one every time they drink water), you’re washing ‘em.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For One Time Where I Have To Admit “I’m Wrong”

Doesn’t matter what the disagreement was about, they are right.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For One Night Where You Get The House All To Yourself

We all need some privacy sometimes, so get outta their hair, and let them have the place to cry, dance, masturbate, or all three! (This one only applies to live-in baes.)
7 of 31
Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For One Day In Which I Get The Hair Out Of The Tub/Shower

It’s quite lovely how, when two people fall in love and spend more time together, their hairs clump together into a slimy mass that clogs the shower drain. Get ready to gag, because you’re the one who’s going to yank it out.
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8 of 31
Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For Being Forced To Hear You Tell That Same Story Again

Yes, yes, yes, you’ve heard about the time they did that crazy thing at that crazy place with that crazy person. With this coupon, you’re going to hear it like it’s the first time and love it.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For One “Put Away My Phone” Moment

It doesn’t matter if you “just need to check one thing,” your phone goes away the minute this coupon comes out.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For Taking The Perfect Photo Of You

They can say, “Can we try one more?” as much as they want — you have to snap another pic of them in front of that skyline until they are satisfied.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For Laughing At Your Dumb Joke One More Time

You know that signature bit your boo does that was funny the first 10 times, but now makes you cringe? You’re going to laugh at it, dammit.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For One Ride In The Better Seat On The Plane

Suck it up, your lover gets the aisle or window, while you graciously accept your place squeezed into the middle.
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13 of 31
Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For One Shave

Whether it’s the hair on your legs, face, or crotch — if they want it gone, you’ll want to invest in a good razor.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For One Butt Massage

Forget the back — give them a nice, firm, relaxing rump rubdown. It’s the massage we all want but never get.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For One Night Of Control Over The AC/Heat

I have never met a couple that liked the house at the same temperature. Whether you’re freezing or melting, for one night, you have to deal with their thermostat preference.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For One Post-Sex Snack

Banging builds up an appetite, but who wants to get up and go to the kitchen after sex? Leave them extra satisfied with a little post-lovin' snack.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For Control Over The Radio On A Road Trip

Whether they want to sing along to TLC or smarten up with NPR, the radio is all theirs for the entire ride. (Yep, even if it’s cross-country.)
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18 of 31
Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For Having Sex Once In The Location Of Your Choosing

Sometimes we get horny in the strangest places. If your partner wants to get it on in the grocery store or make love at the library, their wish is your command.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For Not Leaving You One Time

Sure, this coupon may seem codependent, but desperate times call for silly coupons. Even if your bags are packed, this pass gives them one more chance.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For Allowing You To Whine When You Have A Cold

Let them be a big ol’ baby, even if they only have a few sniffles.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For One Day Of No Farting

Doesn’t matter if you just ate a bucket of cabbage-covered beans with a gallon of milk, if you have gas, you’ll have to pass it far, far away from your partner.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For One Nag-Free Day

Sometimes, your partner just wants some alone time without you asking, “Is everything okay?” So let them be, and enjoy the time on your own as well.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For Leaving One Party When You Want To

It’s a classic couple tiff: One of you is ready to rage, the other is ready to snooze. This coupon gives the receiver control over when the party ends.
24 of 31
Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For One Shower Together Where YOU Get The Water

One of the trickiest things about taking a sexy shower together is only one of you gets to enjoy the water, while the other is left shivering. With this one, they get to be the water hog.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For One Threesome

Hopefully, they’ll pick someone you like, too.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For One Meal Switch

It's a common scenario: You’re out to eat and what you ordered looks better than what they ordered. This time, you’ll have to give up your grub.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For Oral Sex Session While You’re On Your Smart Device

They download while you go down.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For One Day Of No Interruptions

Finally, they will be able to tell you everything they wanted to say without you cutting them off.
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For One _____ With Someone Else

This one is up to you to decide what activity you can handle your boo doing without you getting jealous, whether it’s flirting, frenching, or fucking. This coupon gives them a pass to be a player (even if it’s pre-negotiated).
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Illustrated by: Tristan Offit.
Good For Never Getting Coupons As A Gift Again

Hopefully, they won’t use this one, because, dammit, we thought these were pretty darn cute.
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