I don't care about football. Come Super Bowl Sunday, when most of the country is at home in front of the TV, I'll be out to dinner, enjoying the luxury of New York City's empty restaurants on the one night of the year when you can get a reservation anywhere. Truly, I'm only 80% sure which teams are playing — that's how much I don't care.
Still, as a writer here covering a lot of food-and-drink content, I've received dozens of email pitches regarding the Super Bowl and the snacks and treats one might serve at a viewing party. There's a lot of the usual: wings, dips, guilt-free appetizers. And, there's a lot of neat, new stuff. Am I interested in a DIY ice-cream-sandwich bar? Hell yeah, I am. But, rarely does something catch my eye in a serious way. Then, yesterday, I got a pitch from a high-end juice company that first made me scoff, then laugh, then absolutely see red.
Since we're not in the business of lambasting here, nor are we sure if the brand or its PR company is entirely responsible for this pitch, we'll call this company JuiceGlow. At first, it was just the subject line that made me pause:
Superbowl [sic] XLVIII: The boys have their beer, girls have JuiceGlow Cocktails!
It's not the first time a juice-cleansing company has emailed me about using its $11 juices as a mixer for booze (then, a week later, sending another email about using the same juices to "detoxify"). But, that subject line was just so obvious. "Really?" I thought. "Boys drink beer, and girls drink skinny-lady juice? You can't even finesse it a little bit?" Then, I read the rest of the email.
Apparently there is a really serious football game coming up and boys across the U.S. are already stocking their fridges with beer. But what do the girls drink? JuiceGlow has some delish cocktail ideas to sip on while watching Bruno Mars at Halftime!
What do they drink? How about whatever the hell they want! And, who are these "boys" and "girls" you reference? I'm not saying you need to call me "Madame" or anything, but, within the context of this email, the terms made me picture a room of oafish bros obsessively stuffing the fridge with six-packs while their girlfriends whined in the background, "But, calories!"
I care as little for beer as I do about football. I'm a wine-or-cocktail kind of person. But — okay, take a breath: Some women like beer. A lot of women, I'm told. Most women, in fact. And, some guys don't! Some guys like a big ol' glass of dry rosé, like me. Furthermore, of those rosé-drinking guys, a lot of them also like football. I can't believe I just had to do that math for you, JuiceGlow. (Some girls can do math, too.)
The email ended on another fist-eatingly, hair-tearingly lousy note. In case you weren't entirely clear on the tone:
Let's join together this Superbowl for chicer, more delicious drinks with JuiceGlow...Go football!
I don't care about football, but I can't believe that, in 2014, it is actually necessary for me to say that some ladies do. But, apparently, it is. So, JuiceGlow: Some women enjoy football. On February 2, millions of women will be at home in front of their TVs, excited for a cold beer and a great game. Maybe others will be mixing up a green-juice-and-vodka, biding their time until the halftime show — and I hope they have a great time, too. But, all of them deserve a lot more respect than this. Selling a product like you're targeting shallow idiots just makes you look idiotic and shallow. Funny is one thing — but this isn't funny. Try a little harder next time. Or, just try.
Who needs a drink?