Hump, Marry, Kill: A Project Runway Contestant Ruins Unicorns For Everyone

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Hump: Lauren and Derek won Catfish, right? I mean, does the series really need to go on showing heartbroken, deluded Internet users week after week now that two crazy kids who met on MySpace were finally brought together to fall in love by adorable cupids Nev and Max? And, did we really need to see our Google sleuth bros using the urinals in tandem before they boarded the plane to Texas? Just a few things to think about, MTV.

Marry: Damn you, Suits marathon this weekend and season premiere this week. Now I’m fully immersed in the glamorous world of Pearson Hardman — or is it just Pearson now? Sometimes, I tune out plot details to swoon over the firm’s sumptuous interiors and employees. Anyway, it’s a law firm where everyone appears to wake up three hours before start of business (which is 7:30 a.m., a time that physically hurts me to be awake) to work out, don a perfectly tailored outfit, get a blowout or barbershop shave, and possibly sneak in a quickie with the lucky soul who warmed his or her bed the night before.

On this week’s episode, we were treated to Rachel’s gorgeous apartment, and she was treated to Mike. Some girls have all the luck.

Kill: Here is everything Timothy Westbrook said on the season premiere of Project Runway:

“I identify as a ‘sustainability focused fiber artist,’ so the platform that I take is that we have to protect the forest to keep unicorns alive. All of my processes are deep in thought about the environmental impact. What that means is that I’m going to make a beautiful scarf, and hey, it’s made out of woven magnetic cassette tape ribbon. Remember your core, remember the unicorns, and don’t lose sight of your values and what you stand for.”

“I usually don’t use electricity, so using an electric machine kind of sucks. I just believe in sustainable practices; I call it zero-impact art. I have a solar panel backpack. Gray water is water that we don’t use. If I use virgin material, I try to make sure that it’s deadstock, or anything over 20 years old. I’m hoping that Mood has deadstock. I’m waiting to get into a situation with a wood stove...that’d be awesome.”

“What’s really fascinating about burning something is that it’s neither additive or reductive, it’s entirely transformative.”

“I’m creating a gown that will be presented in a performance. The model will be telling a narrative of the piece through her movement rather than just stompa-stompa down to the end of the runway, and stompa-stompa back.” [to model] “A little more graceful, think of it as a ballerina move — you’re a little too strong. You can totally channel like, the Virgin Mary in terms of that like, really demure sadness. I want you to think of like, awkwardly just sniffing your armpit.”

He also sent his model down the runway without hairstyling or makeup. On a show sponsored by hair and makeup companies where styling is as much of the design as what contestants can do with fabric. Brilliant. And of course he was in the bottom two but didn’t get sent home, because outlandish characters are always kept around as long as their sound bite potential doesn’t exceed the terribleness of their designs by too much. Timothy almost makes me hate unicorns.

Photo: Courtesy of MTV; Courtesy of Robert Ascroft/USA Network; Courtesy of Barbara Nitke/Lifetime