A Hilarious Parody Of Every Sad, Blockbuster Heroine Role, Ever

There is nothing in the world a movie hero’s girlfriend hates more than heroism. At every turn, she looks for a way to stymie her doughty lover’s acts of courage. If she had her way, the movie would end 40 minutes in and they’d just play Apples to Apples until they both died of old age.

Here's the dialogue for every movie, pretty much ever, except maybe a few.

Lady: Don’t go to the big thing!
Hero Man: I have to though.
Lady: Please don't.
Hero Man: No.
Lady: [secretly proud] [explosions]

Lady: Don't fly that plane! There’s sky everywhere.
Hero Man [Over the radio] Sorry, I'm already flying it babe.
Lady: Damn.

Lady: Don't go to that fight!
Hero Man: Babe, I got two fists but only one heart, I have to.
Lady: I understand.
Hero Man: Really?
Lady: No, stay home and be afraid with me.
Hero Man: You just don't get it.
LADY: I never ever will.

Lady: Don't go!
Hero Man: I'm going!
Lady: Then be careful!
Hero Man: No! [explosions]

Lady: Don't go to the big thing tonight!
Hero Man: I have to, otherwise the guys wont be proud of me.
Lady: I'll still be proud of you.
Hero Man: Lol no offense but that doesn’t really count. I already have sex with you so I don't really need your respect. Seriously, no offense, but you don't even have a job.
Lady: I'm a scientist doctor.
Hero Man: Ok, still though.

Lady: Where are you going?
Hero Man: To do my dangerous job I do!
Lady: Please don't do it tonight.
Hero Man: Don't do my dangerous, cool job?
Lady: Yeah, don't sell any drugs to antiheroes! Or strangle guys, or kick in some doors, just because you're a big angry boss man with serious danger inside him!
Hero Man: If you really knew me you'd be scared as heck, so stop crying.
Lady: Oh man, that's scary! Get out of here go do your job!

Lady: Don't do the thing you’re supposed to do!
Hero Man: Why not?
Lady: I don't know, I just don't want you to.

Bad Guy Man: Hey I got your lady!
Lady Girl: Oh man, I should never have told you not to go to the thing!
Bad Guy Man: You can save your woman lady or you can do the big hero brave action time! You cant do both things!
Hero Man: I just did.
Bad Guy Man: Oh, wow.
Lady Chick: I'm pregnant so from now on I'll be even more at home.

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