Hump, Marry, Kill TV Checklist: Whoa, It’s Blossom!

Hump: Remember in high school when you’d come back from summer vacation, and suddenly where before there was a boy now stood a man? And you were like “Oh, hey, I now see you as a potential sexual partner instead of the turdnugget I chased around the playground in kindergarten” — although as a 16-year-old you may not have been able to vocalize what you were feeling quite as well as I just articulated it. I know for a fact that the teenage version of me handled it as follows: “I used to be able to talk to you like a normal human being. Now, I can’t stop blushing because I want you to like me so, so hard. Boys like girls who can’t speak in their presence, right? Mmmmkay, gotta go to geometry.” [Turns and flees down hallway]

Anyway, that’s exactly what happened when Revenge came back on Sunday night.

Last season, Nolan was a shrimpy Hamptons Mark Zuckerberg with a questionably Bieber-esque hairstyle. His only romantic interest feigned said interest because he wanted to blackmail Nolan. He got his ass totally handed to him every time he was kidnapped by someone trying to catch Emily. And yet, he still continued to assist in her ongoing revenge campaign. What a pal.

Season two Nolan is playing in an entirely different ballgame. The first time we see him, he’s sparring in a ring, clad only in boxing trunks. He has defined arm muscles and a six-pack. Even though he’s still on the scrawnier side, no one can deny that Nolan filled out over the summer. Maybe this year, he can find love in the form of someone who isn’t manipulating him for confidential information.

Marry: The Big Bang Theory is currently a ratings juggernaut in syndication on TBS, which I think is entirely attributable to the fact that it’s always on when you’re at the gym. Watch it during enough treadmill sessions, and it starts seeping into your consciousness. Suddenly, you’re DVRing that show you swore was just a fluffy means of workout distraction. Next thing you know, you’re fully invested in new episodes and reading Entertainment Weekly’s cover story about the show’s fifth season and where the set decorator scored those sweet tsotchkes in Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment. Um, hypothetically speaking, of course.

The best thing about The Big Bang Theory is that it marks the return of Blossom. Six and Joey aren’t around, but any Mayim Bialik is good Mayim Bialik. I wanted to be her so badly back in the day.

Yup, after temporarily leaving Hollywood to get a Ph.D. in neuroscience, get married, and have two kids, Bialik is back on TV as Sheldon’s “friend that’s a girl, but not a girlfriend.” Her character is a brilliant neurobiologist with the same socially awkward tendencies as her not-boyfriend, which makes it only slightly easier not to die of jealousy over the brilliant Bialik and all her success. But seriously, a Ph.D. in neuroscience. That sh*t cray.

Kill: Capping off a first (and possibly only) season during which we saw absolutely zero personal growth or change besides Chantal getting a bob, the maudlin societal tableau that is Gallery Girls came to a sad conclusion on Monday night. In the final moments, when the producers realized that nary a girl had completed a story arc, they treated us to a montage of drinking, crying, staring out of windows, and self-reflection of the most literal kind (read: looking in a mirror). Sadly, all the montage revealed was just how unchanged by the situation they all remained.**

Perhaps the worst tale of despair was that of Maggie, she of the beautiful mane that is probably the most interesting thing about her. (Seriously, that fishtail braided ponytail? Perfection.) Poor Maggie jubilantly quit her intern position at the Stockholm Syndrome-inducing Eli Klein Gallery because she thought a paying job was in the can. Except, during her trial run at the new gallery, Maggie showed about as much enthusiasm as Obama at this week's debates. I mean really, Maggie, would it kill you to smile or stop twirling your magnificent hair for like, two seconds so you can demonstrate what an asset you’d be to a team?

Then, the gallery owner actually had Maggie come in (I know this is reality TV, but still, most job rejections come on the phone or via email so you can cry in the privacy of your own home. Way harsh, Bravo.) to tell her that she wasn’t being hired because she didn’t seem to care about getting the job or even appear to have an interest in the art world at all. Like a total adult (on Opposite Day), Maggie promptly started crying and muttering “That’s not true” under her breath.

Having watched Maggie this season, who knows if it’s true or not? Her emotional range runs the gamut of “eye rolling while twirling hair” to “vacant staring while twirling hair.” Maybe it’s the presence of the cameras; maybe she really doesn’t have much going on upstairs, who knows? Either way, Maggie definitely wins the award for Most Pathetic of the group known as Gallery Girls.

**Just a few of my unanswered questions: Did Amy find a new apartment? Has Angela ever sold one of her “morose” photos, or has she moved on to another hobby? Will Claudia ever realize that her ongoing struggle to get people to pronounce her name as “Cloudia” is completely futile? Did End of Century close? Doesn’t $205 seem kind of low for a store’s ConEd bill? Am I the only one who wants to give Kerri some My Fair Lady-style elocution lessons? I WANT ANSWERS, BRAVO.