You've heard how great polyamory is: you get to love multiple people and everyone is happy.

But let’s get real for a second.

By Elf Lyons

Polyamory is on more and more couple’s minds. The Greek gods did it; bonobos do it; every time I go to a festival, every other performer seems to be at it.

HERE’S WHY YOU SHOULD THINK TWICE.

Having been polyamorous for years, couples will say to me, "We want to give it a go" and ask my advice. They’re always surprised when I say: “Why? Have you even thought about the consequences?

That’s because polyamory is everything I didn’t expect.

DESPITE THE CHILLED VIBES THAT MANY EXPERIENCED POLY COUPLES GIVE OFF, IT IS AN EMOTIONAL, ROCKY ROAD OF ELATION, EXTREME HIGHS AND EXTREME LOWS. IT CAN BE AMAZING, BUT IT CAN BE DESTRUCTIVE.

This is why I couldn’t handle it.

Imagine you're trying to learn FRENCH and DECIDE YOU WANT TO LEARN KOREAN TOO. THEN GERMAN. ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU CAN’T REMEMBER ALL THE VERBS. IT'S TOO MUCH.

And sooner or later, someone will crack...

MY PARTNER FELL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE. THEY HAD THEIR OWN JOKES, LANGUAGE, AND A WHOLE OTHER WORLD THAT I WASN’T A PART OF. DESPITE ALL THAT, I ACTED CALM, RELAXED, AND HAPPY.

But was I actually?

No. On the inside, their relationship left me stressed, jealous, and feeling left out. I tried to keep chill as polyamorists do, but I couldn’t deal.

I put too much pressure on myself to totally embrace the manifesto for polyamory.

We were BOTH EXPERIENCING FALLING IN LOVE, HEARTBREAK, MORE LOVE, ANGER, MISUNDERSTANDINGS, HONEST MISTAKES, SELFISH ONES.

We weren’t a couple based on strength and independence but on need...

After two years, we decided we loved each other but weren’t ‘in’ love anymore. We were friends but the romance had simmered, and we went our separate ways.

Was polyamory the culprit?

Perhaps. The vital thing I learned when my first relationship failed – is that patience is key. Polyamory is about keeping an open mind. It’s an attitude, not a job description.

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