This week, we hear from a reader worried about how their judgmental family will bring up their financial situation and employment status when they meet during the upcoming holiday season. The holidays can be especially stressful when those around you make you feel ashamed of your life, and this anxiety has become more heightened during the pandemic when many people are struggling with money and to find steady work.

Dear Paco,

I’m dreading the upcoming holiday season. I know that I’m lucky to be able to spend it with any family at all this year, but holiday gatherings are always hard because of how judgmental my family is about my career and how I handle my money. I haven’t really found my career footing yet, and when I’ve been unemployed in the past or working a temporary gig, my family has always made it clear that I’m not living up to my potential. I should be pursuing a cushier corporate job where I have a “future,” and it’s obvious they think getting unemployment money is kind of embarrassing.

This year, due to COVID-19, I’m unemployed once again and I’m already thinking about what kinds of passive-aggressive comments will come my way. I don’t understand why they’re so judgmental, but also why I care so much. It’s like a part of me agrees with them — it’s my fault I’m not further ahead in life.

I feel I can’t talk about my life, because if they think I spent money on something not strictly necessary to survive, that just cements that I am irresponsible and lazy. Is there a way I can prove to them that I’m doing pretty much my best with the resources I have right now? Do I show them my bank account so they can see just how dicey things are? Are there any statistics or financial expertise I could quote at them to show that I’m not just being stupid about money?

How do I redirect this embarrassing, infuriating holiday conversation in a way that doesn’t cause a big fight but also helps them realize how awful the financial condescension is?

Dear Unemployed and Infuriated,

Navigating a Thanksgiving holiday dinner is hard enough without a global pandemic and its economic consequences looming in the back — or more often, in the front — of our minds.

There are definitely some facts that can shed light on the dire economic straits many Americans find themselves in today. Here are some notable ones:

We’re experiencing higher levels of job insecurity relative to 30 years ago.
30 years ago, it was much more common for companies to directly hire their workers — from the janitorial staff to the administrative support to warehouse workers. Now, it’s much more common for companies to indirectly hire workers as contractors — oh, the joys of the gig economy. These informal workers often are paid less, don’t have access to benefits, and they don’t have traditional employers that are invested in their career growth. In general, gig workers lack long-term job security.

Wages haven’t grown significantly since the 1970s. According to the Economic Policy Institute, between 1979 and 2018, productivity has increased 6 times faster than wages. In other words, workers are now producing 69.3% more, but wages have only increased by 11.6%.

The cost to buy or rent a house has increased steadily over the years, especially when compared to real wage growth. According to a study by RENTCafé, national average rent rose by 36% in the past decade. Data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics shows that housing prices were 780.43% higher in 2020 compared to 1967, accounting for inflation.

The cost of college has skyrocketed, but more often than not, a college degree is required for a good-paying job. From 1969 to 2019, the average annual cost of a four-year public university soared by 3,009%.

And lastly, the increasing cost of healthcare and the lack of access to it — since it’s often tied to employment — means most Americans are just one medical emergency away from a financial disaster.

Those are the facts, and I’m sure you can find more to arm yourself with. But I’ll venture to guess that the conversation around the Thanksgiving dinner table is mostly not a presentation of facts — it’s emotional, and it highlights the differences in values that you and your family have.

It’s normal for your family to be concerned and to feel worried about your ability to be financially independent. I think trying to see things from their perspective and trying to see their intentions, even if their execution is flawed, might help you feel better about these interactions. And since you ultimately may not be able to change anyone’s mind, a good way to manage your own expectations of others is to remind yourself that their perspective is out of your control. You can only try to understand them and hope that they have the decency to try to understand you too.

Everyone has their own stories and their own values, especially when it comes to money. Each of us has our own understanding of how we think money works in the world, and it comes from our life experiences and how we interpret those experiences. Society, family members, teachers, media, and daily interactions inform our worldview. Traumas about security or scarcity can be imprinted on us. And if your family members don’t take the time to examine how these stories came to exist within them, they turn into beliefs that get pushed on to you. I’m sure in their mind they’re helping you navigate your life, not being hurtful, condescending jerks. They see the world differently than you do, and that’s where this friction is coming from.

I think one of the best things you can do is to dedicate time and energy towards understanding and unearthing your own feelings and beliefs about money, value, and self-worth. A journal is a great tool for this. Here are some questions I encourage you to explore.

What is your core belief about yourself and money? Where did you learn these beliefs? Get specific. Find examples — literal stories in your life that support how you developed these core beliefs. Once you know where they come from, you can ask yourself if these beliefs are true or stories you’ve internalized and believed to be true. Now you can decide if you still want these beliefs to guide your life.

Go further and explore money experiences that have resulted in feeling shame or guilt. What do you believe about yourself in these instances? Are they true? Whose shame and guilt are you carrying? Is it yours? Is it the internalized puritanical values that our country was formed on?

Is it true that your family doesn’t think you’re living up to your potential because you don’t have a corporate cushy job? Or do they not think you’re living up to your potential for other reasons? Do you think you’re living up to your potential? Why is this something that is important for you to do?

I hope this process can help you begin to take control of your own feelings. Once you’re able to, you can also start taking responsibility for the position you’re in, regardless of how you got into that position. Taking responsibility doesn’t absolve other people’s condescension, and it doesn’t make capitalism any less oppressive — but once you realize you can decide how you feel, you realize you can also decide what actions to take. When you own your shit, you can start to feel a sense of control, in spite of your circumstances.

While it’s important to be practical and to earn a living that supports a safe life where you can foster your well-being, I hope you can realize something I believe to be true: Your value in society, and in your family, does not come from how well you play the game of capitalism. You are valuable because you’re a human being.

I don’t know what your family dynamic is like, and how open they would be to an earnest dialogue about how their good intentions are causing you pain, but I hope that you can find a way to communicate with them openly so that their experiences are perspectives you can draw from instead of adding to intergenerational trauma that you carry with you.

Your financial friend,

Paco

Are you worried about your financial circumstances or employment status coming up over the holidays this year? Tell us your experiences here, and check back next week for a follow-up story on how R29 readers’ are dealing with conversations with judgmental family members during COVID-19.

Do you have a question or dilemma you’d like to see answered? Submit it here or send us an email at moneyquestions@refinery29.com.

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Update (Nov. 6, 9:30 a.m.): Decision Desk HQ projects that Joe Biden has won Pennsylvania (20 electoral votes), making him the President-elect of the United States.

Update (Nov. 4, 5 p.m.): Joe Biden is on the cusp of winning 270 electoral votes and becoming president. This afternoon, key states including Wisconsin and Michigan were called for Biden, and he now has 264 electoral votes to Trump’s 214, according to the Associated Press. “I’m not here to declare that we’ve won, but I am here to report that when the count is finished, we believe we will be the winners,” Biden said in a speech this afternoon. Nevada, Pennsylvania, North Carolina, and Georgia are yet to be called.

This story was originally published on November 4, 2020, at 10:50 a.m.

While all of us were hoping for a Joe Biden landslide last night, it’s not surprising that we don’t yet know who won the 2020 presidential election. In fact, election experts had warned us that this would likely happen, explaining that it would likely take longer to count absentee ballots in key swing states like Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania — largely because Republicans in those state legislatures have blocked attempts to start counting ballots earlier.

As it currently stands, Joe Biden has 227 electoral votes out of the 270 he needs to win, while Trump has 216. This means there are 95 electoral votes remaining. Mathematically, here’s what this means for Biden’s remaining paths to victory: 

Seven key states — Michigan, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Arizona, Nevada, North Carolina, and Georgia — are still in play. Biden is favored to win in both Nevada (6 electoral votes) and Arizona (11). Then, he would need two of the remaining five states: Pennsylvania (20 electoral votes), Michigan (16), Wisconsin (10), Georgia (16), and North Carolina (15). Unless those two are Wisconsin and North Carolina (which could set up a 269-269 tie since Maine’s 2nd, which went for Trump in 2016, is still undecided), Biden will win. 

As of right now (key words: “right now”), Trump has a lead in Pennsylvania, North Carolina, and Georgia. (Georgia, however, has been a particular nail-biter. But, The New York Times’ “election needle” has it tilting toward Biden when all is said and done.) Biden has tiny leads in Michigan, thanks to new ballots being counted, and Wisconsin, thanks to Milwaukee ballots that were counted overnight. 

But it’s important to take these incomplete results with a grain of salt. For one thing, some heavily blue areas, like Philadelphia and Atlanta, are still counting their ballots. Also, the “red mirage” effect seems to be very real — Democrats are much more likely to vote by mail, which means many, many of their ballots have not been counted yet. Pennsylvania absentee ballots are overwhelmingly favoring Biden, according to updates from The New York Times this morning.

It’s also important to remember that vote-counting is never actually finished on election night, even in less, uh, unusual elections than this one. The election is not over until the absentee, overseas, and provisional votes are counted, no matter how much Trump threatens to and tries to interfere with ballot counting. 

Biden has received more votes than any U.S. presidential candidate in history, and is on track to receive more and quite possibly break over 270. It’s going to be a long, drawn-out battle in the coming days, with Republicans doing everything they can to stop Biden, and the will of the American majority. It’s unconscionable that the election results are this close — and that anybody is voting for Trump at all. But as of right now, Biden is in a good spot.

“Joe Biden is on track to win this election and he will be the next president of the United States,” Biden campaign manager Jen O’Malley Dillon told reporters on Wednesday morning. “We believe we are on a clear path to victory by this afternoon.”

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If you’re looking for something stronger than a washcloth to rub off the sweat, dead skin, and stress of 2020, microdermabrasion might be your answer. This facial treatment refreshes the skin by buffing away dead cells to help even your tone and texture. For this month’s episode of Macro Beauty, we got a closer look at the procedure through first time facial recipient, Rissa.

At 27 years old, Rissa decided to get her first-ever facial to brighten her skin and jumpstart her new routine. “I’m hoping that with this treatment my skin will look glowy and dewy and young and fresh, and I can really start my new adult skin-care routine,” Rissa says. During her consultation with celebrity esthetician Joanna Vargas, Rissa expresses concern about hyperpigmentation and the texture of her cheeks. Vargas assures her that after the treatment, she’ll look like she “just came back from vacation,” which is something a lot of us probably need. 

Microdermabrasion, when safely administered by a professional, can be great for treating hyperpigmentation in medium to dark skin tones. According to Corey L. Hartman, board certified dermatologist and founder of Skin Wellness Dermatology in Alabama, “Microdermabrasion is a safe procedure for anybody. It’s really just a vacuum for the skin that provides light exfoliation through a tip that can be slightly rough.” Diamond-tipped tools are commonly found in traditional models, and as long as the esthetician is careful not to apply too much pressure, the risk of scarring is very low.

For Rissa’s treatment, which was part of the spa’s Triple Crown Facial, Vargas started by thoroughly cleansing and toning her skin to get rid of any oil-based serums before she passed the diamond tip wand over her face. Yes, there are fine diamonds on the surface of the tip that work to gently remove dead skin without disrupting the skin barrier. Vargas moved the wand over Rissa’s entire face, paying close attention to her cheeks where she expressed concern about texture and discoloration. After deep cleansing her skin with a Vitamin C face wash, Vargas went in with a micro-current device to tighten the skin and face muscles and combat puffiness. “It’s kind of like going to the gym for the face,” Vargas says. She finished by smoothing on a Bright Eye Hydrating Mask and misting an oxygen spray over her face.

Rissa’s reaction to the results? “Oh my gosh, I’m glowing, guys,” she says. After this facial, Rissa challenged herself to be more proactive in her skin -are routine because, as Vargas says, “Great skin isn’t about your DNA; it’s really about your skin-care routine and lifestyle choices. Anybody can have great skin. You just have to make good choices.” 

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If you’re not already subscribed to Angel Merino (aka Mac_Daddyy) on YouTube, here’s the need-to-know backstory: after getting a job at a local MAC counter as a permanent artist, Merino felt inspired to begin sharing his work online; “I was finally in an environment where being unique and different was celebrated rather than frowned upon,” he told Refinery29 in a previous interview. “I was showing up to work with eye looks and makeup, and I felt so empowered every single day. That’s when ‘Mac Daddy’ came alive. I work at MAC, and I liked the word ‘daddy’ as being the ‘daddy of makeup.’ I ran with it, and it took off.” In our latest installment of Beauty Drawer, the beauty guru give us an exclusive sneak-peek inside his next-level makeup closet (tucked inside his next-level) Los Angeles home. The space features drawers upon drawers of highly-organized palettes, complexion products, brushes, and more. “My beauty drawers reveal that I’m glam AF,” he tells us. “There’s tons of sparkle and tons of shine.”

Unsurprisingly, some of his go-to makeup comes from brands big in the YouTube community: In addition to luxe brands like Chanel, Nars, and Tom Ford, Merino name-checks companies founded by fellow vloggers in the beauty community: there’s Lunar Beauty, founded by Manny Gutierrez (aka MannyMUA), in addition to Patrick Starrr’s just-launched brand, One/Size. Not to mention, Merino would be remiss to not shout-out his own brand, Artist Couture.

Peep the full tour in the video above and shop a few of Merino’s favorite beauty gems below.

At Refinery29, we’re here to help you navigate this overwhelming world of stuff. All of our market picks are independently selected and curated by the editorial team. If you buy something we link to on our site, Refinery29 may earn commission.

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I was doing my nightly scroll through TikTok (it helps soothe me, okay?) when a calming voice stopped my swiping finger in its tracks. The camera was focused on a stack of blue tarot cards, and a narrator was saying, “This is going to be a career-focused reading, so if you feel called, stick around.” I felt called. I stuck.

The video was from Teresa Brenneman, a professional intuitive, human design consultant, and tarot reader. The first card she pulled was the Nine of Cups. “You do not give yourself enough credit,” Brenneman told me, and all the other TikTokers watching. “You’ve had many successes and you’ve created abundance from yourself,” she continued, before pulling three more cards: a King of Wands (“I’m hearing that you’re meant to be an entrepreneur”); a Two of Pentacles (“Your obsession with control is really going to be challenged”); and an Ace of Pentacles (“Your guides are urging you to learn how to become adaptable”).

The 60-second reading made me feel calm and validated (I don’t give myself enough credit!), so I let the video replay while I dug into the comment section. The other viewers seemed to be fans of Brenneman’s video, as well, reacting with “I claim this” and “I needed this” and “This speaks to me so much!” messages.

When more tarot pulls began showing up on my for you page over the next few days, I mostly assumed it was because I’d interacted with Brenneman’s video. (That algorithm…) But the spiritual seeker in me wondered whether the messages were meant to reach me somehow.

Brenneman thinks so. “There’s a process I go through energetically and intuitively, before I film the videos,” she tells Refinery29. “I just call in my guides and say, ‘What do you have for the people who will see this video?’ Obviously, only certain people are going to come across it. I’m able to direct the energy to that.”

Besides her pre-filming process, she doesn’t prep for the videos. She’s seeing the cards for the first time along with you, which she believes makes the readings more authentic. “I’m just opening my channels to listen to the messages coming through,” Brenneman says. While you may not resonate with every single sentence or card in her tarot readings, “maybe there’s one little nugget that you get out of it and you were meant to hear that one thing,” she says. “That’s kind of the way I look at it.”

She’s not surprised that her card pulls have been popular. (Relatively speaking, anyway: That tarot pull video currently has 83,800 views on the platform; TikTok has 850 million monthly active users.) “I think tarot is something that really resonates with a lot of people,” Brenneman says.

Still, the skeptical side of me wondered how accurate a random “pull for anyone” could really be. And when I asked a few tarot pros that question, I learned that there are some mixed feelings about TarotTok.

“Nothing can beat a personalized reading,” says Katie Robinson, senior editor at SunSigns.com and professional tarot reader. “One-on-one readings can be accurate both in-person and online, but when we start getting into generalized pick-a-card or ‘suggested for you’ video readings, that’s when I’d take them with a grain of salt.”

If you’re hoping to gain insight into a specific problem in your life, you’d want to opt for a personalized pull, agrees Mysticalcraft Arriana, a Keen.com advisor and tarot card reader. “I can’t suggest that anyone takes these generalized tarot cards draws to make a massive decision in their life,” she says.

That said, public pulls do have some benefits. You can use a TikTok reading to gauge the day’s energy, for instance. “Does the card say that it will be a good day or a day of miscommunications? Check that and then proceed,” Arriana suggests.

“I think they’re worth listening to and getting advice from,” astrologer Lisa Stardust tells Refinery29. “In my opinion, it works the same way as reading your horoscope.” Every person watching might get something different from the same pull, based on what’s going on in their individual lives.

Rachel True, actress and author of True Heart Intuitive Tarot, hopes that anyone interested in these videos might try to learn how to pull their own cards. “I love that people are using tarot for their own self exploration or whatever it is you use tarot for, but you’re never going to get a specific reading for yourself off a video that’s positioned for millions of people,” she says.

I do have a deck, and have experimented with my own pulls a little. But to be honest, I still love my TikTok tarot readings. I think they’re fun, unexpectedly calming, and sometimes pretty profound. Of course, everyone’s free to swipe past these videos. But Brenneman’s wish is that the readings uplift those who stays to watch: “I hope that it gives people some hope and some faith and some direction,” she says. Or in my case, a little dose of calm before bed.

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Everyone who follows politics — and many people who normally don’t — has been glued to the ongoing election coverage since Tuesday. We’ve been obsessively refreshing our maps as we watch new ballots and electoral votes come in, stress-eating and drinking, and engaging in weirdo anxiety-induced behaviors like forgetting what a shower is, going to bed at 5 a.m., and putting up Christmas decorations just to feel like there’s one good thing to look forward to despite the chaos around us. 

Amid Trump’s threats to contest the election and general uncertainty and malaise, we are not only looking for someone to tell us the facts straight, but also to soothe us. Since their job is to get you to keep watching, not to inspire any sense of calm (or even always to impart accurate information), the usual cable-news pundits are out of the question — has Wolf Blitzer ever made anyone feel better about anything? Enter one Steve Kornacki: MSNBC’s bespectacled, khaki-wearing, Diet Coke-pounding resident election-map wizard. As never-ending hours and days pass without a clear result, Kornacki’s county-by-county forecasts have been a much-needed oasis of reason. 

What, exactly, makes Kornacki’s coverage so appealing? It’s entirely fact-based, completely free of breathless and hyperbolic punditry, and it makes us feel…safe. As we’ve stayed up late nights waiting (and waiting) for new states to call their results and inch ever-closer to 270, the tireless (seriously, he doesn’t sleep) Kornacki taps his way through his touchscreen electoral map, analyzing votes and calmly crunching the latest numbers. That steady, knowledgeable confidence — plus his little “human” moments, like his smile when the camera catches him off-guard or when the MSNBC “Kornacki Cam” finds him texting — is enough to develop, dare we say it, an election crush.

Okay, sure, part of it is probably cable news-induced Stockholm Syndrome. But can you think of anyone else with whom you’d rather stay up to figure out wtf is going on with the outstanding ballots in Georgia? And is there anyone you would rather celebrate with at 4 a.m. when the Milwaukee ballots finally come in, making sweet victory in Wisconsin possible? And, uh, Vulture recently noticed that when he’s facing the board, “either his butt looks especially good or we’re just slowly being driven mad,” and we have not fact-checked that, but we will as soon as we have a chance.

It doesn’t hurt, either, that Kornacki, with his rolled-up button-down sleeves and Gap khakis in Palomino Brown, projects an aura of trustworthy, West Wing-era nerdiness that makes many people feel like logic and reason can prevail during this absolutely batshit, science-averse time. Kornacki is who you want to be stuck with in an elevator or on a sinking ship, and not only because he’s cute, but because he will actually hatch a brilliant plan to get out of there. That’s why we obsessively watch his “hits,” hoping he will help get us off this particular sinking ship.

I honestly dunno how steve is still going im bout to die pic.twitter.com/R8IEt8lbIj

— chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) November 5, 2020

My daughter’s imitation of ⁦@SteveKornacki⁩ #TrackingKornacki #BidenHarris2020 pic.twitter.com/kxwWgKX2fG

— Mollie Call (@CallMollie) November 3, 2020

So when does Kornacki get his EGOT?

— Doha Madani (@DohaMadani) November 5, 2020

An actual photo of @SteveKornacki this morning #TrackingKornacki pic.twitter.com/aYjoH36vnu

— caleigh.newman (@kaylayjayy) November 5, 2020

The only good thing about today is being able to swoon over @SteveKornacki all night. There's just something about the way he rolls up his sleeves and handles the big board that drives me crazy!! 😍😍😍 #TrackingKornacki #MSNBC2020 pic.twitter.com/L4L5uGH0Kr

— Hooddrow Wilson (@WriterFeministX) November 3, 2020

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