How To Pretend You Haven't Googled Someone

Illustrated by Mary Galloway.
By Matt Rogers
Reductress is the first and only satirical women's magazine, taking on the best and worst of women's media, marketing, and consumer culture. Their words of wisdom are not to be taken seriously.
Who isn’t guilty of a little online stalking before a first date? Learn everything there is to know about your upcoming date — without letting them know you know — using three easy steps:
Have Exclamations Ready
Thirty minutes on Facebook and you’ll know everything about them, but it’s important that you act like you’re listening when you meet in-person. Have a unique exclamation picked out for every reveal, like when they tell you that their cousin is actually Chris Pine from Star Trek. Instead of saying, “Wow, that’s amazing!” and “Oh, great!” say, “I’m surprised and delighted by this new information. I haven’t already been texting my cousin Kristina about it all morning. We always say we would fuck Chris Pine.”
Frequently Delete Your Search History
Sometimes, a date leads to sex, which means the two of you could end up back at your apartment! Don’t let them check email on your laptop before you’ve deleted every instance of having searched, “[Insert name] rich”, “[Insert name] job” or “[Insert name] campaign donations.” Cover your tracks by deleting your history before every date. This is a good practice, anyway. Your roommate might see something and say something.
Make It About You
Limit how much they share about themselves. If they never start talking about the best friend Steve that they met at a Yankee Game, you won’t have to pretend that you don’t know about their running inside joke about Person of Interest and that Steve graduated from Chapel Hill in 2009 with a BA in Asian Studies. Talk about your interests and hobbies, or, if your interests and hobbies are limited to online stalking, make something up like skiing.
At the end of the day, less is more. The less you say about, the less you give away.

More from Living


R29 Original Series