What Your Go-To Wine Says About You

Illustrated by Sydney Hass.
Call us old-fashioned, but we don’t believe you really know someone until you’ve had drinks with them. Not only does drinking help us lower our guards, but learning what another person likes to drink reveals a lot about his or her personality.

But as every drinker knows, every kingdom has its niches, and nowhere is this more true than that of wine drinkers (sorry, beer drinkers, you aren't there yet). So we're here to help you understand your go-to vino order. Your wine choice says almost as much about your personality as the fact that you chose wine in the first place. Are you ready to find out what it all means?
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Illustrated by Sydney Hass.
Chardonnay
Chardonnay often gets a bad rap among wine people. It can be unsubtle, overly rich, and eager to please. Chardonnay people tend to have similarly big, brassy personalities; the type of people who say, "I'll have a Chardonnay" without even looking at the menu. They are lifelong residents of the comfort zone. We don't think this is a bad thing; just don't expect them to love your Albariño or your theory about Lars Von Trier or whatever.

When out with a Chardonnay drinker: Let them lead. Prompt them to tell you crazy stories of when they did something crazy.
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Illustrated by Sydney Hass.
Rosé
A secret: Rosé is our go-to wine. Why? Because we like being different, damn it! Rosé is for people who like to show everyone around them that they don't live in a red-and-white world.

When out with a rosé drinker: If you want to be nice to them, say something like, "Oh, can I try your rosé?" If you want to take them down a peg, say, "I hear rosé is super-popular right now."
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Illustrated by Sydney Hass.
Something With A Visually Pleasing Or Funny Label
Someone who chooses wine by the label doesn't necessarily care about what is inside, but no way are they going to bring something ugly to a dinner party. A wine-by-the-label person tends to appreciate the look and fit of things.

When out with wine-by-the-label drinker: Enjoy and compliment them on how well everything fits together.
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Illustrated by Sydney Hass.
Red Zinfandel
Ordering red Zinfandel is like choosing The Rolling Stones on the jukebox: It has an edge to it, but not so much that anyone will find it distasteful. A red Zinfandel person is looking for maximum personality with minimal challenge.

When out with a red Zinfandel drinker: Kick back and enjoy the vibes. Do something in between adventurous and cozy.
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Illustrated by Sydney Hass.
Sauvignon Blanc
What Pinot noir is to Merlot (and Von Trier is to Cameron Crowe, perhaps), Sauvignon Blanc is to Chardonnay: focused, fussy, aware of its superiority. These people tend to enjoy complexity and distrust loudness in all its forms.

When out with a Sauv Blanc drinker: Ask them, "But what do you think?" a lot.
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Illustrated by Sydney Hass.
Bubbly
Like fireworks and male strippers, sparkling wine comes with a lot of celebratory expectations. It is synonymous with big events and festivities. Which makes the people who gravitate toward it on a regular basis seem a bit larger than life. And they like it that way.

When out with a bubbly drinker: Remind yourself that they put their pants on one leg at a time.
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Illustrated by Sydney Hass.
Cabernet Franc
The motto of Cabernet Franc lovers is, "If at first you don't like it, keep trying because that means it is good." Cab Franc people seem to find enjoyment in things that aren't, on the surface at least, enjoyable.

When out with a Cab Franc drinker: Ask them to explain why contemporary art is good. They definitely have a theory.
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Illustrated by Sydney Hass.
Takes Two Hands To Hold The Bottle
We don't want to say you've given up, but you've kind of given up if this is your go-to wine. You are drinking party-size wine by yourself. It's like wearing sweatpants in public. But damned if sweatpants aren't really comfortable...

When out with a two-hander drinker: Bring over a pie and the entire run of My So-Called Life.
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Illustrated by Sydney Hass.
Wine Cooler
Most likely a high school student.

When out with a wine-cooler drinker: Go find a mirror and take a long, hard look into it.
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Illustrated by Sydney Hass.
Shiraz
Shiraz is Australian Syrah, and that 'z' at the end matters. Shiraz people don't want subtlety or finesse. They like their music played loud, their cars driven fast, and their movies with obvious themes and bright colors.

When out with a Shiraz drinker: Buckle up, mate.
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Illustrated by Sydney Hass.
Whatever's Cheapest
There are many strategies when perusing a wine menu, but one of the most common is just looking for whatever is cheapest (whether by glass or by bottle). It's a simple and effective strategy for a simple and effective person. Aside from the economic benefits of going as low as possible, this type of person doesn't want to think about the type of wine they want; they just want a glass of wine ASAP.

When out with a whatever's-cheapest drinker: Match them glass for glass and see what happens. It's not about the wine anyway. It's about whatever the wine is going to make more fun.
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Illustrated by Sydney Hass.
Comes In A Box
Box wine is a great invention. It sits on your counter, ready to dispense at the touch of a button, and basically never goes bad. People who have integrated box wine into their lives know themselves, and what they know is that they need wine around at all times.

When out with a box-wine drinker: Clear your schedule for tomorrow.
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Illustrated by Sydney Hass.
Port
It has been years since we drank port or hung out with anyone who did. Does anyone still drink it? Our assumption is that if this is your go-to drink, you are also a grandparent. Are we wrong?

When out with a port drinker: Ask them what cross-country rail travel was like.
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Illustrated by Sydney Hass.
Orange Wine
Orange wine is (and this is simplifying a bit) white wine that is fermented with the grapes' skins intact, resulting in tannic, orange-tinted juice. It's actually one of the oldest wine-making techniques and is often associated with a more natural fermentation process. This means it is the choice of people who use words like "bespoke" and "artisanal." Orange-wine people think in terms of purity. They just also happen to be bearded.

When out with an orange-wine drinker: Ask them if they are going to the Pitchfork Music Festival this year.
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