Awful — But Hilarious — Advice For Winning An Argument

slideIllustrated by Tania Lili.
Reductress is the first and only satirical women's magazine, taking on the best and worst of women's media, marketing, and consumer culture. Their words of wisdom are not to be taken seriously.
Lover’s quarrels are bound to happen, but the one thing we all know is that you should always win a fight. Struggling for those famous un-toppable last words? Here are your best bets for winning an argument by asking a question he can’t possibly answer without looking stupid.
1. “Are you kidding, Mark?”
He’s not kidding, but he’ll look real dumb trying to answer this. A cross between “Oh no you didn’t…” and “Come. On.” But, with that necessary vagueness to hand you the win. Goal!
2. “Really, Mark?”
The "really" basically says you’re a terrible human being for what you’re doing. Tag on the name and they know you mean business (even if they don’t get what you’re implying).
3. “Seriously?”
If you think this is the same as “Really?” you’d be more wrong than the person you’re about to beat in an argument. This says you might seriously run upstairs and dramatically slam the door, because it might seriously be over, Mark. This is a way of threatening without having to say much. Loudly blare Adele to underscore a teary viewing of your engagement photo slideshow so he knows you won.
4. “Well, remember Jessica?”
If all else fails, throw in a random girl you know and hope it makes him feel guilty and confused enough not to respond. It doesn’t matter if he’s actually cheated or not: If you can’t think of a real girl, just use Jessica – he’s bound to have done something weird with a Jessica at some point. There’s no WAY he’s gonna fight back in the middle of the Cheesecake Factory with this one.
5. *Scoffing noise, raised eyebrows, and a sassy forward head motion*
This is a heightened version of “Really, Mark?” It loosely translates to, “Really, Mark…REALLY?” But, you are just so beyond over it that you aren’t even going to open your lips. They’re too pursed anyway.
Whoever told you that winning isn’t everything wasn’t in a fight over dining room paint color and baby names with Mark. And, remember, a vague upward inflection is your path to making all those one-sided dreams come true!

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