There’s no tastier cheese than the what’s your astrology sign? pickup line. How awful! How cute! How pique Meg Ryan rom-com (and dammit, that’s classic). We say it’s time to reignite the question within the masturbation and sex-positive realms of the 21st century, by asking it to a potentially unsuspecting late-night guest: the vibrator.
Think about it. Sex toys cater to different needs, and if we don’t know those needs —or perhaps want to meet them in new ways — a cosmically aligned vibrator could be just the ticket to improving our sex lives.
We’ve whittled down the best sex toys for every Zodiac sign (except Ophiuchus. She’s not canon; we don't know her) with a selection of vibrators, anal plugs, whips and more that can give you and yours a more personalized approach to some starry-eyed pleasure. Whether or not you actually believe in astrology (maybe Carl Sagan just never got pegged!), taking notes on these toys can give you a great blueprint for not only future gift giving ideas, but help decode the character traits of your orgasm. Or at least try, and have a hell of a good time doing it. There’s a lot to learn from the joyful eclecticism of Aquarius, or Taurus’ taste for the finer things in life. Lean into Leo season with a powerful, rumbly motor. Embrace Cancer’s talent for feeling-all-the-feels with a vibrator that’s extra sensitive to movement. Make like Gemini, and demand 20 different vibration settings for your 20 personalities. (No shade, we love you.) We’re pretty sure this is exactly what the ancient Babylonians envisioned for their agrarian Zodiac calendar, so let’s turn on, tune in, and strap our dildos tight for a cosmic sexual voyage.
Feeldoe Slim Strap-On
Aries (March 21-April 19)This sign is always ready for some off-the-cuff mischief and adventure — and when Aries branches out, they go big with a wild card. You know, like a strapless dildo.
Large Stainless Steel Dildo
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This sign gets a bad rap for being stubborn, when really they just like to slow life down and focus their efforts on the finer things. Like a cash-flush steel dildo, NBD.
Le Wand
Gemini (May 21-June 20)How many combos can 10 power speeds and 20 vibration patterns make? Enough for the parade of personalities Gemini keeps tucked up their sleeve.
Womanizer Premium
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Like an orgasm wrapped up in a hug. This waterproof suction vibrator is perfect for uber emotional Cancer, who will appreciate the touch-sensitive motor that only vibrates when pressure is applied.
Big Boss Massager
Leo (July 23-August 22)
What's that? You can hear my XL-head vibrator from across the house? With an extra rumbly motor and a 9-inch shaft, this baby was practically made for Leo's big hype energy. Get into it!
Dolphin Finger Vibrator
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Nothing gets Virgo off more than having a plan, and sticking to it with practicality and control — this time, both are the touch of a (strapped in) fingertip.
Soraya 2
Libra (September 23-October 22)
"Nails done, hair done, everything did" reads every Libra tombstone, ever. Drake's immortal words just speak that well to the sign's pursuit of beauty (but not always materialism!). This ergonomic, stunner of a vibrator will be a handsome addition to Libra's curated boudoir aesthetic.
Glass Anal Training Trio
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Too often pegged (yep, we said that) as the “dark and sexy sign,” it’s not that Scorpio won’t go there — but they’ll go there after logical reflection and time. Unlike impulsive Aries and Aquarius, this water sign loves "challenging" realms of sexual pleasure, but they take it slow. Step by step. Plug by plug.
Vibe
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Effortlessly hip. Slightly enigmatic. No-fuss. The "Vibe" vibrator by Maud is a perfect fit for Sagittarius, who still hasn't invited us to their house parties. One day.
Glass "Icicle" Whip
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)No one is harder on steely, perfectionist-driven Capricorn than Capricorn. Except for this whip, whose glass handle adds the perfect lowkey classy touch.
Princette Puppypus Vibrator
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
The queen of eclecticism and community engagement, Aquarius tirelessly has one hand in a million baskets at once. They also have a short attention span, so simply put, if it's not *different* they're not about it. Purple octopus vibrator, you may now enter the ring.
Vibrating Remote Controlled Nipple Clamps
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Plot twist: Pisces are the real "sexy-scary-Scorpio" sign. They so love to be awash with intimacy and connection – and are almost as good at mind games as Gemini – that they will absolutely nipple clamp you down, and smother you in kisses. Go with it.