In my opinion, women can have it all — or whatever they want to have, at least: a career, babies, no babies, friendships, marriage, polyamory, girls-only orgies, whatever. The one catch? When your schedule involves a 6:30 a.m. streaming workout and concludes with 9 p.m. Zoom happy hour, finding the energy to have sex can seem harder than getting up without pressing the snooze button.
Feeling too tired or worn out or just plain lazy for vigorous, effortful sex isn’t simply for the over-scheduled. It can happen after a long day of binging Selling Sunset, too. It can occur after a big meal on a holiday and, of course, it can happen on National Lazy Day.
If you're just too tired for sex, period, then there's no reason to feel compelled to get it on. However, if you want to get laid, but for whatever reason you're feeling too exhausted to put much effort into it, we’ve got you covered. Here are seven tips to help you bone down and get off when staying put on the sofa seems more appealing than anything that requires breaking a sweat.
The gap between what we learned in sex ed and what we're learning through sexual experience is big — way too big. So we're helping to connect those dots by talking about the realities of sex, from how it's done to how to make sure it's consensual, safe, healthy, and pleasurable all at once. Check out more here.
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Photographed by Lula Hyers.
Try mutual masturbation
An outdated understanding of sex is that it must involve penetration. If two (or more) people are enjoying one another’s genitals for the purpose of pleasure, its sex. And if you’ve just got off work, and then managed to squeeze in a run, the further exertion of full-on sex may simply require too much energy. Mutual masturbation, or lying next to your partner while both touching yourselves, can be an exciting option in this type of situation.While mutual masturbation may invoke memories of a school health class teacher giving safe sex tips, it can actually be totally hot. Try lying next to your partner in bed, and watch one another masturbate. Seeing each other touch yourselves may be so erotic that you end up having sex after all. But keep in mind that there's so much to be learned by watching each other — you can pick up tips and techniques on the way your partner likes to be touched.
The best part? After you both come, feel free to let that sweet post-orgasm oxytocin lull you both into a much-needed slumber.
Photographed by Karen Sofia Colon
Use your tongue
Oral doesn't have to involve a lot of thrusting or shifting into twisty, tantric positions. That's why just sticking to the licking can be a great option when you're feeling low on energy.
And if you've had a really long day, you might even be able to just receive oral sex. Tell your boo you'll set them up with IOU oral another day. Sometimes, it’s okay to be selfish.
Photographed by Kaitlyn Flannagan.
Invoke the power of the vibrator
It’s amazing how rapidly one can go from zero to “do me” with the aid of a vibrator.
As one woman told Refinery29: “I lie there lazily like a dead fish and let it do the work.”
Confession: I did not want to have sex with my partner on his birthday this year. My lack of libido had nothing to do with him, but rather, the mass quantities of gnocchi followed by crème brûlée we consumed at his birthday dinner. So as I lay in bed digesting, to help overpower the carb-induced sleepiness, I pulled out my Lelo Alia vibrator and gave myself a head start as my partner sat on our couch simultaneously digesting. With the aid of the calming, yet powerful, vibrations, after a minute or so, I was so close to coming that I summoned the birthday boy into our bedroom to finish me off with oral sex. I had one of the most intense orgasms of my life, and then returned the favour (it was his birthday, after all).
When you’ve just had a huge meal (or you're in any kind of sleepy, yet horny, state), using sex toys is a perfect way to get the orgasmic ball rolling.
Photographed by Natalia Mantini.
Employ erotic massage
If there’s one thing pleasurably comparable to sex (macaroni and cheese aside), it’s getting a massage. If you’re feeling lazy, yet being touched also sounds nice, a slightly sneaky use of role play I like to employ is erotic massage.
The scene: Your partner is all geared up to go (and perhaps annoyingly dry humping you) while you’re just trying to catch up on How to Get Away With Murder in bed. Aerobic sex seems out of the question, but staying in bed and enjoying a nice massage? Hell yeah. Close the computer (Shonda isn’t going anywhere), and ask your partner to play masseuse with the option of providing a happy ending.
"The sexiest thing my partner can do for me is to just touch me all over," one woman recently told Refinery29. "Just the attention he gives me by touching me all over is such a turn-on that it instantly gets me in the mood."
Photographed by Karen Sofia Colon.
Talk that dirty talk
Dirty talk might just be one of the most powerful, underrated sex tricks. When you’re the one fired up, and your overworked and exhausted partner needs convincing, try whispering filthy fantasies into their hardworking ears. If you’re the one who had a long day and needs encouragement, simply tell ‘em, “Talk dirty to me.”"Even when we say the most mind-numbingly stupid things during sex, let's be honest — somehow, they sound hot,” Courtney Trouble, feminist porn director, once told Refinery29. “I think it’s because you’re connecting with your partner on another, very real level that’s separate from the physical sensations you’re experiencing together."
Not sure what to say? Trouble recommended simply verbalising what you're doing, like, "I am kissing your breast, your thigh…your skin feels so nice." You can find more dirty talk tips here.
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Photo: Getty Images.
Pornography and chill
Porn exists to turn us on. It’s also a fabulous method of foreplay.“I like to watch porn as a reward after a hard day at work," Tina Horn, author and host of the kink podcast Why Are People Into That?, recently wrote on Refinery29. "Porn is perfect for the lazy afternoons when I’m horny and feeling like thinking about nothing but sexuality.”
Indeed, porn’s not for everyone, and some critiques of racism and misogyny within the industry are valid. Yet, thanks to filmmakers like Trouble, there’s truly something for everyone, from queer-friendly films such as “My Best Friend’s Perfect Pussy” to BDSM-themed gang bangs filmed in the dungeons of the Kink.com headquarters. And there's no shame in indulging, especially if you’re feeling tired and your libido needs a jumpstart.
Photographed by Karen Sofia Colon.
Stick to simple sex positions
If you spent your Sunday morning mastering handstand Scorpion in a Zoom yoga class, then cleaned your house until it sparkled, by the time you’re home and ready for lazy Sunday sex, you might not be up for the flexibility of the Kama Sutra Lotus pose (although I highly recommend trying it when you do feel up to it).Keep it simple with relaxing positions that offers extra support, like assisted missionary. This one is just like the standard missionary position, but the receiver puts a pillow under their butt to allow for deeper, more intense penetration with a penis or strap-on (and hopefully a quicker orgasm). You can also try tired doggy position, in which the receiver lies face down with pillows under their pelvis to prop up their butt. Then, their partner rests on top of them and enters them from behind, either anally or vaginally.
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