In early April, just days before Khloe Kardashian gave birth to her daughter, True, a video of her partner, Tristan Thompson, getting cosy with a woman who was definitely not Kardashian surfaced. Since the Kardashian-Thompson cheating scandal began, there's been a lot of speculation from Kardashian's fans about whether or not she'll choose to stay with the NBA player.
As of now, it looks like Kardashian and Thompson are trying to reconcile, and Kardashian's fans have some feelings about that choice. A Cosmopolitan poll asking "Should Khloe be giving Tristan another chance?" got a 90% response of "NO WTF?!"
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It's judgmental, but kind of understandable. The knee-jerk reaction to infidelity, most of the time, is to tell the person who got jilted to GTFO. After all, once a cheater always a cheater, right? Well, that's not always true. There are many reasons why someone might cheat on their partner, just like there are many reasons why the person who was cheated on might choose to stay in the relationship. "Just because your partner had an affair doesn't mean that you stop loving them," says Carolynn Aristone, LCSW, a sex therapist who specialises in affair recovery. "You've been loving them right up to the moment that you find out about their affair, so what happens then?"
Choosing whether or not to stay with a cheating partner is an emotionally fraught process, she says, and there are all kinds of questions to consider. Below, we talked with Aristone and two other couple's therapists to break down some of those questions. The good news? It is possible to work through an affair and come out with a stronger, more stable relationship.
illustrated by Tristan Offit.
Was it a first-time offense?
There's a big difference between someone who's a chronic cheater and someone who cheats once and then never does it again, says Angela Skurtu, LMFT, author of Helping Couples Overcome Infidelity: A Therapist's Manual. And the majority of people only cheat once, she says. Lots of people cheat because they get to a point in their marriage when they're bored but don't realise that they're bored, she says. "Then they meet somebody and it gives them a spark or the feeling of being alive that sometimes being in a long-term marriage doesn't give," Skurtu says. Generally, they'll feel bad about having cheated and be willing to work on the boredom or any other issues that might have led them to look for that spark. And, if the cheating only happened once, it's much more likely that the couple will be able to work through the infidelity, she says.
But, if someone is a chronic cheater, then it's unlikely that they'll change their ways. "They'll cheat and they'll cheat again," Skurtu says. It's a coping technique (and a bad one) for dealing with problems like boredom in the relationship and fear of commitment. So, if your partner is someone who has cheated multiple times and cheating isn't something you feel like you can deal with in a relationship, then Skurtu suggests making plans to move on.
There's a big difference between someone who's a chronic cheater and someone who cheats once and then never does it again, says Angela Skurtu, LMFT, author of Helping Couples Overcome Infidelity: A Therapist's Manual. And the majority of people only cheat once, she says. Lots of people cheat because they get to a point in their marriage when they're bored but don't realise that they're bored, she says. "Then they meet somebody and it gives them a spark or the feeling of being alive that sometimes being in a long-term marriage doesn't give," Skurtu says. Generally, they'll feel bad about having cheated and be willing to work on the boredom or any other issues that might have led them to look for that spark. And, if the cheating only happened once, it's much more likely that the couple will be able to work through the infidelity, she says.
But, if someone is a chronic cheater, then it's unlikely that they'll change their ways. "They'll cheat and they'll cheat again," Skurtu says. It's a coping technique (and a bad one) for dealing with problems like boredom in the relationship and fear of commitment. So, if your partner is someone who has cheated multiple times and cheating isn't something you feel like you can deal with in a relationship, then Skurtu suggests making plans to move on.
illustrated by Tristan Offit.
Are they owning their mistake?
The attitude that your partner takes when talking about their affair is important to note when you're considering working through your problems. If they're taking full ownership, are apologetic, and totally honest about the cheating, then that's a good sign, Skurtu says. But, if they're being defensive or trying to blame you for the affair, then they're still engaging in deceptive behaviours and that actually might be a sign that they're still cheating.
So, take a moment to think about how your partner's admission of cheating went down. "If they tell you the whole story, and they're answering any questions to the fullest amount, that's showing that they're remorseful," Skurtu says. "Those are the people who do well when it comes to recovery."
The attitude that your partner takes when talking about their affair is important to note when you're considering working through your problems. If they're taking full ownership, are apologetic, and totally honest about the cheating, then that's a good sign, Skurtu says. But, if they're being defensive or trying to blame you for the affair, then they're still engaging in deceptive behaviours and that actually might be a sign that they're still cheating.
So, take a moment to think about how your partner's admission of cheating went down. "If they tell you the whole story, and they're answering any questions to the fullest amount, that's showing that they're remorseful," Skurtu says. "Those are the people who do well when it comes to recovery."
illustrated by Tristan Offit.
Have they confronted the reason they cheated?
First, for your own mental health, it's important to remember that your partner's affair is not your fault. "Don't feel like there was something you could have done to stop the person from cheating, because ultimately it is their choice," says Joy Harden Bradford, PhD, an Atlanta-based therapist who runs the podcast Therapy for Black Girls. The blame of infidelity rests 100% on the shoulders of the person who decided to cheat, but there are many different reasons that could have gone into that decision. Some people cheat because they struggle with being in a committed relationship. Some cheat because they have a sense of entitlement or don't recognise consequences to their actions. Some cheat because they feel distant from their partner and don't know how to reconnect, Dr. Joy says. No matter the reason, your partner will have to confront the reason they cheated and the emotions behind it before either of you can move on.
First, for your own mental health, it's important to remember that your partner's affair is not your fault. "Don't feel like there was something you could have done to stop the person from cheating, because ultimately it is their choice," says Joy Harden Bradford, PhD, an Atlanta-based therapist who runs the podcast Therapy for Black Girls. The blame of infidelity rests 100% on the shoulders of the person who decided to cheat, but there are many different reasons that could have gone into that decision. Some people cheat because they struggle with being in a committed relationship. Some cheat because they have a sense of entitlement or don't recognise consequences to their actions. Some cheat because they feel distant from their partner and don't know how to reconnect, Dr. Joy says. No matter the reason, your partner will have to confront the reason they cheated and the emotions behind it before either of you can move on.
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illustrated by Tristan Offit.
Are you willing to go to couples' therapy?
Working through an affair isn't going to be easy, and many couples need the outside perspective of a therapist to make it work. "It's hard to see the picture when you're in the frame," Aristone says. Working with a therapist can help you bring up extremely vulnerable emotions and talk through them in a productive way. "You reveal yourself in ways that you may have never done before, and you might talk in a way you've never done before," she says. "You have to attend to each other's wounds and make yourself vulnerable. It's such an intimate act to recover from an affair, and I think that's why couples emerge stronger."
While you'll need to go together to really talk about the issues that led to or have come up since the cheating, Aristone says therapy can also be good for you, individually. A therapist can help you sort out your own feelings, away from your partner and might be useful in making your choice to stay or to go.
Working through an affair isn't going to be easy, and many couples need the outside perspective of a therapist to make it work. "It's hard to see the picture when you're in the frame," Aristone says. Working with a therapist can help you bring up extremely vulnerable emotions and talk through them in a productive way. "You reveal yourself in ways that you may have never done before, and you might talk in a way you've never done before," she says. "You have to attend to each other's wounds and make yourself vulnerable. It's such an intimate act to recover from an affair, and I think that's why couples emerge stronger."
While you'll need to go together to really talk about the issues that led to or have come up since the cheating, Aristone says therapy can also be good for you, individually. A therapist can help you sort out your own feelings, away from your partner and might be useful in making your choice to stay or to go.
illustrated by Tristan Offit.
Is cheating a big deal to you?
Our cultural zeitgeist says that cheating is a big deal breaker for everyone, but that's not always true. Some people are okay cheating as long as their partner is faithful in other ways, like being a good parent or financially supporting their family, Skurtu says. So, choosing to stay with someone who's cheated depends on how important having a faithful partner is to you. "I do see people in my office, at times, who feel that the goods of the relationship outweigh the cons for them," she says. "Even if cheating is something they'll have to deal with in the future."
Our cultural zeitgeist says that cheating is a big deal breaker for everyone, but that's not always true. Some people are okay cheating as long as their partner is faithful in other ways, like being a good parent or financially supporting their family, Skurtu says. So, choosing to stay with someone who's cheated depends on how important having a faithful partner is to you. "I do see people in my office, at times, who feel that the goods of the relationship outweigh the cons for them," she says. "Even if cheating is something they'll have to deal with in the future."
illustrated by Tristan Offit.
Will you be able to forgive them?
Even if your partner is totally honest and apologetic about their affair and you know that they'll never do it again, it's possible that you just won't be able to get over it. Most people can eventually forgive their partner, Skurtu says, but some people will never get there. And that's okay. "Sometimes it's too painful, and you can't even look at your partner anymore. And for those people, it's okay to move on," she says.
Even if your partner is totally honest and apologetic about their affair and you know that they'll never do it again, it's possible that you just won't be able to get over it. Most people can eventually forgive their partner, Skurtu says, but some people will never get there. And that's okay. "Sometimes it's too painful, and you can't even look at your partner anymore. And for those people, it's okay to move on," she says.
illustrated by Tristan Offit.
Are your friends and family influencing your decision?
After you learn that a partner cheated on you, it can be a gut reaction to tell someone, whether its a friend or your mom or your sister. But, when deciding whether or not you want to stay with your partner, you have to be careful about how those people's feelings will cloud your decision. So Aristone suggests being very selective about who you confide in, and only share the details of the affair with people who won't judge whether you stay in the relationship or not. "I've seen it happened where people tell everybody, and then the family hates the partner, and it's just a total disaster," she says.
Still, it's totally understandable that you'll want to tell someone after you hear about your partner's cheating. So go ahead and find someone you can talk to, just make sure it's a friend who will give you the space to share your thoughts and not try to influence your decision, Dr. Joy says.
After you learn that a partner cheated on you, it can be a gut reaction to tell someone, whether its a friend or your mom or your sister. But, when deciding whether or not you want to stay with your partner, you have to be careful about how those people's feelings will cloud your decision. So Aristone suggests being very selective about who you confide in, and only share the details of the affair with people who won't judge whether you stay in the relationship or not. "I've seen it happened where people tell everybody, and then the family hates the partner, and it's just a total disaster," she says.
Still, it's totally understandable that you'll want to tell someone after you hear about your partner's cheating. So go ahead and find someone you can talk to, just make sure it's a friend who will give you the space to share your thoughts and not try to influence your decision, Dr. Joy says.
illustrated by Tristan Offit.
Are you able to think clearly about your decision?
If you, like Kardashian, are making this decision after a major life event like having a baby or a death in your family, then remember that your emotions and (possibly) hormones are going to factor in. Maybe you'll make one decision now and then change your mind later, and that's okay. But be mindful of making big decisions like this when your life is already in flux. "You need to make sure that you're making the decision based on something that feels solid," Dr. Joy says. "A lot of relationships do recover and are actually stronger after infidelity, but there's a lot of work that has to be done on the front end before you can make that decision."
If you, like Kardashian, are making this decision after a major life event like having a baby or a death in your family, then remember that your emotions and (possibly) hormones are going to factor in. Maybe you'll make one decision now and then change your mind later, and that's okay. But be mindful of making big decisions like this when your life is already in flux. "You need to make sure that you're making the decision based on something that feels solid," Dr. Joy says. "A lot of relationships do recover and are actually stronger after infidelity, but there's a lot of work that has to be done on the front end before you can make that decision."
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illustrated by Tristan Offit.
Are you staying for the right reasons?
There are lots of reasons why someone might stay in a relationship after their partner cheats, and as long as your reason to stay feels right to you, then it's not "wrong." It's only a problem if staying feels wrong, but you're doing it anyway. "Are they staying because they think it's the right thing to do? Are they staying because they're trying to honour their marriage certificate? Or are they staying because they genuinely love their partner and want to be in that relationship and want to work through it," Aristone says. The first two are troublesome because they mean you're staying out of obligation, rather than for yourself.
"The reasons have to come from an internal place," she says. "Not from their family's expectations of them or the expectations of the church. The best results come from when you make a decision to stay because it's genuinely where you want to be. And if you're making it for any other reason, there will likely be problems in the long run."
For couple's who have children, deciding to stay for the kids can be tricky. Sometimes, it'll leave you with that same feeling of obligation as doing it for your faith or out of expectation. But, other times, staying in a relationship for your kids can feel like enough. "They're thinking of themselves as a family unit," Aristone says. "So they're making a decision for their children and sometimes that's a good decision if they're able to work through the pain that this has brought them and they emerge a new, stronger, and better couple."
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There are lots of reasons why someone might stay in a relationship after their partner cheats, and as long as your reason to stay feels right to you, then it's not "wrong." It's only a problem if staying feels wrong, but you're doing it anyway. "Are they staying because they think it's the right thing to do? Are they staying because they're trying to honour their marriage certificate? Or are they staying because they genuinely love their partner and want to be in that relationship and want to work through it," Aristone says. The first two are troublesome because they mean you're staying out of obligation, rather than for yourself.
"The reasons have to come from an internal place," she says. "Not from their family's expectations of them or the expectations of the church. The best results come from when you make a decision to stay because it's genuinely where you want to be. And if you're making it for any other reason, there will likely be problems in the long run."
For couple's who have children, deciding to stay for the kids can be tricky. Sometimes, it'll leave you with that same feeling of obligation as doing it for your faith or out of expectation. But, other times, staying in a relationship for your kids can feel like enough. "They're thinking of themselves as a family unit," Aristone says. "So they're making a decision for their children and sometimes that's a good decision if they're able to work through the pain that this has brought them and they emerge a new, stronger, and better couple."
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When Will Khloé Kardashian Break Her Silence On Tristan Thompson?
How Common Is Cheating, Really?
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