When Orange Is the New Black started, we only had to keep the pulse of two romantic relationships. First, there was the Piper Chapman (Taylor Schilling) of the present day, living in Brooklyn with her kind, naive paramour, Larry (Jason Biggs). Then, there was the Piper Chapman of 10 years prior, sucked into Alex Vause's (Laura Prepon) seductive wormhole of international drug rings and luxurious penthouses. While dating Alex, Piper smuggled drug money over the Belgian border. These two relationships collide when, out of the blue, Piper is named as an accomplice and sentenced to 15 months in prison.
Five seasons later, and we're following the various directions of the many characters' love lives. From hookups in chapels to glances full of abject longing, there's no shortage of sexual tension within Litchfield's walls. The inmates are grappling with the weight of a crushing system, and with how to make life meaningful in confinement. How best to keep afloat amidst this pressure? By holding on to each other.
Here are all the relationships on Orange Is the New Black, ranked from terrible to Poussey and Soso, the golden standard of prison romance.
Eventually, Caputo's feeble sense of morality crumbles under Linda's bright-eyed enthusiasm for the private prison system. Linda eases Caputo's seasons-long transition to the Dark Side. It is nauseating.
After Piper goes to prison, Larry's left lonely and lost in the cosmos of Brooklyn. Larry seeks refuge with Piper's best friend, Polly, and her husband, Pete. Then, when Pete leaves for a monthlong trip, Polly and Larry get even closer. Next thing you know, they're having sex, dating, and visiting Piper to deliver the news of their big-time betrayal. Are they the real villains of this show?
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There aren't enough "icks" to describe the relationship between Caputo and his superior. It's based on power, blackmail, and boredom.
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The two guards date for a while, then break up upon realising the only thing they have in common is their jobs.
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If opposites attract, what happens when similar people get together? Suzanne is initially flattered by Maureen's dogged enthusiasm for Suzanne's erotica, by her flirtatious poetry. But Maureen's irrational, manipulative behaviour ultimately proves to be too much for Suzanne. On the last episode of season 4, Suzanne and Maureen, now broken up, find themselves nursing injuries in the medical ward. While a reconciliation is possible, is a relationship?
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In her penthouse of a prison cell, Judy King hires Luschek to be her servant and sexual satisfier. She blackmails him into having sex, but later, he comes willingly. Luschek also has a threesome with Judy and her roommate, Yoga Jones. With their hilariously irreverent attitudes, we could see Judy and Luschek hitting it off in the real world, too.
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Before going to prison, Flores is the caretaker of a controlling, and frankly sinister, elderly woman named Millie. After Flores strikes up a friendship with the gardener, Diablo, Millie fires him out of spite and jealousy. Flores gets revenge by having sex with Diablo in Millie's bedroom, as her dumbstruck boss looks on in horror. What a lark!
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These prison guards have one of the more functional relationships on OITNB. That's probably because they got out of Litchfield.
Even if the sexual aspect of their relationship is donezo, Lorna and Nicky are as prison soul mate as they come.
It begins after Soso takes an overdose of Benadryl in the library, and Poussey saves her life. At that moment on, the impassioned, earnest Soso and the sweet, curious Poussey embark on the most enchanting relationship in Litchfield history. This makes their ending all the more devastating.