'Emotional labour' is a popular phrase at the moment.
For those not in the know, it's a concept that's been gaining momentum in feminist and academic circles for years after being coined by sociologist Arlie Hochschild in a 1983 article about 'emotional regulation' at work – namely, smiling to make customers feel comfortable. Over the subsequent 35 years, the term has come to encompass a specifically gendered type of unpaid work.
In short, it’s understood to be the 'work of caring'; work that has been societally gendered as 'women's work'. It spans an enormous number of acts, from childrearing to remembering birthdays, cooking dinner to apologising. We are raised to believe that women are just good at caring; the truth is, it's evolved into our nature over time thanks to stereotypical household roles. Today, despite changes in the world, women keep doing that work (or at least feeling like they should be doing that work) unpaid. Caring is learned behaviour, which means that men can learn to be good at emotional labour too (and of course many do) – it just isn’t expected or incentivised for them.
And so it’s overwhelmingly women who bear the brunt of emotional labour, an inordinate amount of which is demanded at Christmas.
Emotional labour doesn't just consist of physical acts: listening, understanding and responding are all emotional labour too. Things like having conversations with guests fall into this bracket, alongside cooking and cleaning up. In families of divorce or large extended families, it tends to fall to women to plot logistically in order not to offend or upset anyone. These aren't fun things – they require high levels of energy and emotional intelligence.
Present-buying, wrapping, card-writing and list-making are enjoyed by many people, but that doesn't mean there is not an exhausting level of mental and emotional acrobatics being performed in order to accomplish them. That some women enjoy doing 'Christmassy' things does not detract from the fact that many feel it is expected of them. It is so ingrained, in fact, that if we forget someone or mismanage our time, the guilt we experience can be acute.
The social expectations at this time of year run deep and it can be very difficult to alter behaviours. It's not always as simple as saying "It's okay Mum, I'll sort the roast potatoes," because Mum still feels the responsibility is on her. It always has been. And if your potatoes are a roaring success, fantastic, but if you burn them to a crisp, she'll feel as though she has failed and so will begin her emotional labour of apologising.
There are plenty of ways to share the burden of emotional labour at Christmas. Think about what you’re asking people to do – asking your mum to delegate tasks requires her to problem-solve and that’s work, so be proactive. Tidy up after yourself. Load the dishwasher. Shop. Make cups of tea. And for God’s sake, remember where you put the Sellotape.
Here, three women* discuss the extent and impact of their experience of emotional labour at Christmas.
*Names have been changed
These days, I feel a lot less pressure than I ever did when I was married to the father of my children. Nowadays, I spend Christmas with my kids and it’s much more of an all-hands-on-deck affair, whereas I didn't used to get support getting the meal on the table on Christmas Day – and it was a lot of effort, as there were several different dietary requirements.
On top of that, though I loved us all being together, we would host both sets of parents and the dynamic between the in-laws was never easy to negotiate. I always felt that that work fell down to me, there were a few people that didn't really get on and it could have been a really tricky situation. All it would have required would have been for other people to do a little emotional labour to make my life a bit easier. But because of people not getting along, I’d often have to drive to pick my mum up between cooking the lunch. I didn’t ever feel that people thought fully about my workload.
Although we feel obliged to spend time with each other’s families at Christmas, my partner and I are happiest when it’s just us. Last year was rough – we spent it with my in-laws, who for various reasons we have a strained relationship with. Maintaining conversation with my in-laws is on me as my partner doesn’t like to talk with them. It’s a lot of work and something that I’ve never felt brave enough to broach with her because I understand her reasons, yet resent that she gets out of engaging by acting like a surly teenager. I feel guilty that I don’t have a great relationship with my in-laws.
This year it will just be us two, which I’m looking forward to as we don’t have any rules or other people to work around. I do most of the cooking and buying of presents – this used to be because it was assumed that it was my 'job', but after a talk about how much of the emotional labour I was carrying in our relationship, my partner now helps out where she can.
We each buy presents for our own families, but my partner often needs a lot of input from me! As far as cooking the dinner goes, it’s something I personally enjoy; I know I’m better at it than she is so I don’t really have much issue with doing it myself, I make her do the boring jobs like peeling and chopping. Elsewhere, I’m always the one that puts the decorations up, again it’s something I enjoy but sometimes do wonder if that’s because it wouldn’t be done if I left it to my partner so it’s me almost being forced to enjoy it for the sake of my sanity! I’m quite creative so I also decorate the table. I do all of the wrapping of presents and when we’re off out to visit family I also do all the driving. When you start to look at how much you do, it really adds up!
My grown-up brother and I still go to our parents' for Christmas. My aunt comes, so does my grandma. It primarily comes down to my mum to cook (I help, along with my aunt), I decorate, my mum buys presents.
We do Secret Santa with our extended family so we need to send presents all over the world with enough time for them to arrive before the big day. My brother especially just doesn't seem fazed or concerned that his someone won't get a present if he doesn't step up and usually assumes someone will do it for him. It's never top of his list. My mum does the same with my dad. I cannot comprehend how purchasing the presents doesn't seem like something they need to do, even though it was a task literally assigned to them.
I do it because I think otherwise we’ll look bad, or lazy as a family. I love my family and I don't want others to think about them like that. If my mum and I didn't help them, the men wouldn't participate. Then they'd wonder why we were upset – they don't care about how others think about them.
It’s a two-way street though, to be fair – if someone constantly does something for you, that thing ends up low on your list of priorities.
I think when my boyfriend and I have a family it will be very different – he already does most of the cooking and is far more organised than me.