The Bachelorette isn’t a franchise known for its subtlety. Just think of all the contestants who declared they were “falling” in love while bungee jumping. (Metaphors like these have been keeping producers employed for the last 14 years.)
So it’s hardly surprising that ABC recruited a guy named Chad — a bro-tastic moniker worthy of its own Urban Dictionary definition — to be the resident villain on this season of The Bachelorette.
But Chad’s douchebaggery runs far deeper than just his name. On Monday night, the newly anointed bad guy leaned into his protein-powder-fueled hypermasculinity and easily became every woman’s worst nightmare. Let's count the red flags.
He has a ridiculous workout regimen.
Step one: Fill suitcase with giant jars of protein powder.
Step two: Keep protein powder in suitcase and attach said case onto a weight belt.
Step three: Do pull-ups while said protein powder-filled suitcase dangles in between legs. (While the actual weight of the suitcase may not have been too heavy, its symbolism for overcompensation certainly was.)
He takes “meat head” to new extremes.
Chad was literally stuffing his face with charcuterie for the entire final cocktail party. Seriously, there wasn’t one shot — rose ceremony included — in which he wasn’t consuming meat, for which he announced he was “saving my cals.”
He doesn’t understand how metaphors work...
Even though Chad is a walking metaphor, his comprehension of the rhetorical device leaves a lot to be desired. When discussing his competition, he said, "If you're making a protein shake made out of the group of dudes here and blended it up, half of that dude protein shake would have zero chance” — which is both homicidal and nonsensical.
On a group date at ESPN, contestants were tasked with spinning around on a baseball bat and then dizzily proposing to JoJo. Chad was mortally offended by what he considered to be overly effusive, sometimes silly language from the other contestants. When JoJo asked him to play along as opposed to begin and end his proposal with a romantic “Will you marry me” followed by a butt grab, he said their relationship was “starting off a little naggy.” Cute.
In case it wasn’t obvious, Chad is very anti nice guys.
“I always warn girls stay away from the nice guys. It’s the nice guys who are actually the assholes,” said Chad, a tried-and-true asshole.
He's also anti short guys.
"She's going to keep Alex around because she doesn't want America to think that she hates short people,” Chad opined — on national television.
He followed this up with his assessment of the adorably dimpled Christian: "Christian. Christian, I don't even know who Christian is. Another short guy."
In fact, the only guy he likes is Daniel, a man who won’t stop referring to his body as a Lambo.
"I knew you were cool the moment I met you,” Chad told his fellow black tank top-wearing bro.
He really likes telling women what they want and how they feel.
Chad kept on insisting that Jojo didn’t want any of the “nice guys” at the Bachelor mansion. Rather she wanted a “real man,” like him. ”If I went home tonight,” Chad said, “I would probably confront JoJo and be like, 'You know you like me.’”
And finally, these are actual sentences that came out of his mouth:
"I will not write her a song about how much I love her. I'm going to have some protein shakes, keep working out, keep eating food, and just continue doing what I do."
Thanks so much for the itinerary, Chad.
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