Single On V-Day? What To Expect

If you’re anything like me, you think of Valentine's Day as an illness you know you're about to catch. You know it’s coming, you avoid it like the plague, and you save a bottle of something very special to help ease its passage. Read on and educate yourself about how to deal with the single's symptoms of Valentine’s Day — you might even find your coupled friends coming to you for advice.

Anyone else? Just me? I actually love these. They're the most consistent messages of love I have in my life, and I'm quite grateful. Thank you, Mom. But, just once, when the flower delivery dude walks through the office door on V-Day, I'd like him to have something pretty to deliver to me. From a guy. That I like. Ugh, whatever.

Couple-y people who've been together forever have been at this Valentine's Day game so long that they're phoning it in. Eh, I can just make a reservation whenever, right? I can just get him a bottle of whiskey, right? Come on now. I am chock full of amazing Valentine's Day ideas that I never get to put into motion because my cat simply won't appreciate them. All too often I find myself suggesting a nice new restaurant, a secret in to get a rezzie, or an adorable gift idea I found on Etsy. Laziness isn’t cute, guys. Get it together.

Single options on Valentine's Day are plentiful, don't get me wrong. Group dinners, trips to completely non-romantic movies, paintball, you get the idea. But, simply engaging in these activities on Valentine's Day calls you out as a single, warranting "awww" glances from the table next to you. And, you don't need them! If you were sad about it, you'd be sad about it, not celebrating with a pitcher of margaritas and telling your friends funny stories about what happened on the subway last week. It doesn't matter if you're happy being single. The assumption is that you're not.

Staying home on Valentine's Day? Ignoring the hullabaloo altogether? Good for you! But, I hope you don't have friends, because if you do, they're all gonna ask about your night. They'll all want to know how you, the single one, are spending Valentine's Day. How hard it must be for you. Never mind that you were planning to stay home to finally organize your book collection, try a new Pinterest recipe, or illegally download Game of Thrones.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, can they not? I seriously believe that Valentine's Day is Match.com's Christmas. Discounts, specials, and (shudder) mass singles events are absolutely everywhere, including in your inbox. GET OUT OF HERE WITH THAT. Do you think I don't know about you already? Do you think I somehow haven't tried online dating yet? And, here you are emailing me like you've just introduced me to the cure for the common cold. There is no discount code, monthly special, or free weekend you can offer me that is worth one more idiot emailing me "Sup" and asking for "pics." I'm 31. Stop it.

For the record, I think it's sweet anytime anyone asks me out online. It doesn't happen often. (Why do they wait for the woman to do this? I'm from the South, okay?) But, when it does, I do appreciate it. I will offer a word of caution, though, about Valentine's Day first dates.

You think established couples have expectations on Valentine's Day? What exactly do you think the outcome of a first date on Valentine's Day should be? If he's somehow not "amazing," Valentine's Day is ruined. Most online dates aren't that great. Why on earth would you add additional pressure to one?

If you simply want to go out on Valentine's Day and enjoy the company of someone you find attractive and potentially interesting, go forth. I've warned you.

If you need a quick pick-me-up on V-Day, go to the grocery store. Not a nice one, either. I don't want to see you in Whole Foods. Go to the most convenient grocery store you can find, and look at all the dudes in line picking up last-minute flowers. Feeling better?

Those cellophane wrapped, picked-over, brown-petaled babies are NOT crossing your threshold this evening! Absolutely no one forgot about getting your Valentine's Day gift! Nobody went to Walgreen's to buy something "romantic" for you. Don't you feel great about that?

There is a good chance that you will feel a bit down on Valentine's Day. It's inevitable, and it's totally okay. The expectation from Couple-y People is that you're the lucky one — after all, you don't have to actually deal with the pressure that comes with this holiday.

Never mind that you might really love to have someone to share the day with. So, you just lie. You tell people whatever they want to hear, just to end the conversation. It's not like it's any of their business, but try to remember the only people who are asking you about your Valentine's Day are people who care about you and want to make sure you're okay. That's pretty sweet of them. But, you have my permission to lie to their face.

Someone will break up. Someone will have a nightmarish online dating experience. Someone (coupled or single) will break down about the fact that Valentine's Day is the worst holiday ever. And, they're all going to come to your house.

Your confidence, poise, and graceful singleness will be the rock upon which they'll want to cry upon. In pajamas. Let them. Be a good friend. Today's the day.

And, when this "holiday" passes and you move on to survive the last six weeks of winter, remember that you've made it. It's over, life is sane again, and you can get a reservation anywhere you want.