Wait. One sec. Who's dating whom? Bachelor in Paradise is always a bit like relationship hot potato, but this season is especially frantic. This episode introduces a few new characters, all of them women, and all of them disruptive. Jubilee Sharpe, Caroline Lunny, and Jenna Cooper all materialize throughout the episode. They all join the hot potato fun, shifting into relationships as easy as atoms sharing electrons. What if — and hear me out — Bachelor in Paradise just become one, big, amoeba-like relationship? Like a rat king by the beach, but with really tan, oil-slicked humans.
Meanwhile, the people of paradise are waxing poetic, talking about cheese, the southern hemisphere, Mister Rogers, and carrot cake. (At one point, Bibiana is mystifyingly compared to carrot cake.)
Somewhere in the frantic switchings of the night, Paradise crushes Tia, who has been at the center of drama since she arrived. Tia just wants to fall in love, and seems desperate to do so. She even makes a clean break from Colton, our burly idiot NFL-er, but only to discover that, erm, all men are disgusting crabs!
For the sake of time and organization, we'll move couple by couple.
Tia & Colton
Colton discovers that maybe, just maybe, Becca Kufrin dumped him because of his history with Tia. He subsequently ends things with Tia, who decides she'd rather pursue a relationship with...
Chris & Tia
Together! Briefly. Chris and Tia reunite in this episode following Tia's breakup with Colton. Tia is momentarily concerned that Chris will dump her for the next girl who comes along. (She's right!)
Chris tells her, "Honestly, be that confident strong independent woman you are."
Jenna & Jordan
Jenna begins her Paradise journey by pointing out, "Being an alien on Earth is weird because you also have the upper hand." This goes to prove that she is just as creative as Jordan, the man who once said, "Attached to me is professionality." When Jenna and Jordan meet, they decide that they are the gender-swapped versions of each other. Jordan points out that they have the same laugh.
"I'm subscribing to whatever she's got going on, that's all I know," Jordan tells the camera.
Signed, sealed, delivered: Jordan and Jenna are a Paradise couple. They are both perky and blonde. Their enthusiasm for each other leads to lots of kissing. Unfortunately for our other blonde...
Jordan & Annaliese
Are over! Following his date with Jenna, Jordan tells Annaliese that he's not interested in committing to Annaliese anymore. Cue the tears. Alack, alas, one more relationship has fizzled.
Eric & Angela
Somewhere between the Tia/Colton/Chris love triangle and the Caroline/John/Jubilee love triangle and the Krystal/Chris/Tia love triangle, Eric and Angela forge a quick connection — by which, I mean, they launch into a couch-kiss without warning. Mid-conversation, Eric asks for a hug. The hug warps into a kiss, and thus, a new relationship was born.
Caroline & John
Caroline arrives in Paradise riding a bundle of nerves. She interviews a few men, only to land on Venmo John, the fan favorite from Becca's season of The Bachelorette. John needs a win. So does Caroline, who says she recently went through a breakup. Despite the machinations of a very cute tiny cat, Caroline and John manage to have a warm first date. They kiss, and agree that they'd like a relationship like Carly and Evan's from Bachelor in Paradise season 3.
But, just the next day...
John & Jubilee
John and Jubilee go on a date! Jubilee is from Ben Higgins' season of The Bachelor, and she appeared on season 3 of Bachelor in Paradise, briefly dating Jared Haibon (who is now engaged to Ashley Iaconetti). Caroline is perturbed that John is so quickly interested in someone else, but this is Paradise, baby! And plus, she only seemed mildly interested in John anyway. (She'd said several times that he wasn't her type.) Jubilee, on the other hand, expresses her interest in John's "type."
Krystal & Kenny
Following their date from Monday's episode, Krystal and Kenny are "coupled up," as they say. They're canoodling in pools and chatting openly about their relationship.
"You embody a lot of qualities that every girl here is looking for," Krystal points out. Reminder: Kenny has an 11-year-old daughter named McKenzie.
However, mid-episode, when Kenny arranges a big romantic picnic on the beach, Krystal admits that she's moving "slower" than Kenny is. It slowly dawns on Kenny that he's maybe in the middle of getting dumped. Erm, yeah, he's getting dumped.
"This is the reason why I don't do this," Kenny grumbles.
Following the "breakup," Eric gives some truly mind-boggling advice surrounding cheese. The basic gist of the cheese conversation is: cheese is power. Move with the cheese. (Do they mean...chi?) Follow the cheese. Cheese cheese cheesey cheese. Kenny Chesney cheese.
Chris & Krystal
Betrayal! Remember when Chris said Tia didn't need to worry about other women? Remember when that slime driveled out of his mouth? In the latter half of the episode, Chris rejoins with Krystal, who's taken an interest in him. They cuddle on a day bed and discuss the possibility of a relationship. Chris says he's never kissed a blonde, but he'd like to kiss Krystal. Krystal suggests that he kiss her. (Meanwhile, I am shouting from the rooftops, "Tia has highlights!")
"The goose is flying high tonight," Chris tells a puzzled Jordan. Chris is jubilant, but not for long. The episode ends with Tia approaching Chris and saying, plainly, "We need to talk."
The "goose" isn't just cooked. He's great reality television?
The Couples Scoreboard
4. Jordan & Jenna: Chipper and happy. Hard to hate.
3. Astrid & Kevin: Cute but nonexistent in this episode.
2. Joe & Kendall: Really into guacamole. Also really into taking it slow.
1. Bibiana & Paradise: The queen of Paradise, Bibi is the new Wells. She dishes advice, and look like the only person who has a handle on the situation.