All The Creative Ways Women Are Described In The 1971 Trailer For The Beguiled

By now, you've probably heard that The Beguiled, Sofia Coppola's latest film about a girl's school in the Civil War South whose placid atmosphere gets upended by the arrival of a wounded Union soldier, is a reimagining of a 1971 Don Siegel film starring Clint Eastwood.

Having seen Coppola's film, which is so distinctly female-focused, it seemed hilarious that an actor known for his manly machismo could ever have considered starring in this project. In reality, it's precisely that disconnect that drew Sofia Coppola to the story.

"That’s what struck me as odd," she told me in an interview about the film. "I love that movie for what it is. It’s so '70s and it's [got a] real macho, guy point-of-view, but it’s about a group women. So, I thought I wanted to do it again, but really make it a woman’s point-of-view. The whole premise cracks me up, so we just had fun with that."

But I truly had no idea just how funny the idea was until on a whim, I googled the original trailer.

This. Trailer. Is. Batshit. Crazy. While the remake is definitely darkly funny at times, it's understated. The color palette is muted, the intense tension bubbles under the surface. Not so here. EVERYTHING is dramatic.

Just take a look at the beginning narration: "A refuge or a hell? As Clint Eastwood, wounded Yankee, is brought to an all-girls school to become the prisoner of these man-deprived women; these man-eager girls."

"Man-deprived" and "man-eager" are only two examples of my favorite ways women are described in this less-than-three-minute-long introduction to what seems like a cult classic. "Possessive" and "vindictive," are also charming epithets. Their passions are "latent," and "violent." There's "tension," "jealousy," and "sexual confrontations" because these crazy women just can't keep their hands to themselves! (There's also a side-plot involving brother incest that doesn't make it into the Coppola remake, for which I am thankful.)

And then there's the way they describe the male protagonist. I dare you to repeat this without laughing: "Clint Eastwood, the man, the symbol, the sexual enemy."

Poor, poor Clint Eastwood, who has to kiss every woman, girl, and child in this beautiful plantation home in order to make it out whole. Imagine! Or, as the narrator puts it: "Consider the possibilities: Is he a helpless victim to be threatened, teased, enticed, loved at their will and pleasure? Or is he a man, aggressive, wooing, demanding, who must love to stay alive?"

What a conundrum!

This is either the best movie in the world, or the worst, I can't decide. One thing's for sure though: Clint Eastwood's hair deserves an Academy Award of its own — check out that volume!

See the full thing for yourself, in all its glory: