Over the last eight episodes of Riverdale, one fact has become obvious. Alleged main character Archie Andrews (KJ Apa) is the most boring human in Riverdale. It’s possible Hot Teen Outlander’s dad Fred (Luke Perry) is more interesting than him. But last night’s “The Outsiders” made something else abundantly clear: Archie is also not the brightest crayon.
This fact started to dawn on me when Archie yells at Sheriff Keller about his friend Moose’s assault. Fred’s eyes nearly roll permanently to the back of his head while his son is screaming at law enforcement. All Fred can say about his son’s righteous indignation is, "It’s…not helping."
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Poor, wonderful Val (Hayley Law) is pulled into Archie’s ridiculousness when he starts pacing around his room over Moose. She clearly just wants to make out or something, but Archie is way too busy biting his thumb and ranting to pay attention to the gorgeous girl sitting on his desk. Confusingly, Archie then runs out of his own room to "do something," leaving Val alone and un-made-out-with in his empty house.
Archie’s idea of "doing something" is having Kevin’s Southside Serpent boyfriend Joaquin get them into a biker bar so Moose can identify his assailant. Jughead (Cole Sprouse) proves he’s the only intelligent boy attending Riverdale High, since he reminds his BFF this is the worst idea in history. This doesn’t stop Archie, Kevin, Moose, and Joaquin from going into Serpent territory. It doesn’t even stop Archie from sporting a bright blue varsity jacket to said bar, as if that's not the equivalent of wearing a neon sign reading, “Murder me.”
Kevin even realizes Archie’s scheme is insanely dangerous, saying to himself, "We’re all gonna die." Still, he doesn’t recommend bailing to his friends. Instead, the quartet plays a very casual game of pool. Because they don’t stick out like sore thumbs or anything.
Although the already-terrible plan was for Moose to spot his attacker and immediately call the police, Archie throws that idea out the window when Moose thinks he’s found the criminal. The red-haired football player immediately taps the guy on the shoulder and starts yelling at him. In a biker bar. Soon enough Archie finds himself pinned on a pool table with a fist about two feet from his face. It’s hard to feel bad for him since 3,000 awful decisions led him and his willing friends to this place.
The only reason Archie doesn’t leave the bar with about four fewer teeth than when he entered is because Jughead’s dad F.P. put a stop to any possible beat down.
Riverdale is supposed to be about Archie, but it’s really difficult to take him seriously as a main character when even his so-called "sidekick" Jughead seems to be far more believable as a person who's managed to stay alive for 16 years. I'm hoping Archie starts making sense soon — and lets Val leave his house.