If you haven't seen any of Vogue's "73 Questions" videos, allow me to give a brief summary of the genre. These videos entail one celebrity, 73 questions, and one long tracking shot. The interviewer is off-camera — presumably, they're the one holding the camera. The result is a 7 or 8 minute-long video of a Very Important Celebrity answering questions like, "who's your spirit animal" whilst said celebrity wanders about a distinctly beautiful location. Tuesday morning, the publication released the "73 Questions" video that accompanied the recent profile on Selena Gomez. Gomez is famously private — in fact, it seems as if her most alluring characteristic is inscrutability.
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Which is why, when Gomez answers 73 questions in front of a camera, our ears perk up. What's that? SelGo? Dishing details? Count us in for a few views of the video, and at least one serious post-viewing analysis. For SelGo's vid, she wanders about her home in Los Angeles, pouring orange juice, dancing, and pondering the perfect answer to every question. Here's what we gleaned from the 7 minutes and 40 seconds-long video — in case you don't have time to watch it in full several times over like we did.
1. She may or may not have stalked the Vogue interviewer in the video.
When the video begins, he asks, "What were you doing at this the moment I came by?"
"Not stalking you," Gomez says slowly. So, this means she was stalking him? If so, props to Gomez for doing research on her interviewer.
2. She slides orange juice like it's whiskey.
At approximately 1:06, Gomez pours a glass of orange juice for her interviewer. Then, instead of handing it over, she whisks it across a tabletop like she's slinging shots at karaoke night. Smooth, Gomez, very smooth. (Note to self: Learn how to do this properly.)
3. She keeps a human-sized teddy bear on a bed in her home.
Okay, unclear if it's her bed or just luxe guest accommodations. But, at the 1:48 mark, Gomez struts past a red bed featuring a teddy bear the size of a 10-year-old.
4. She cried during Hacksaw Ridge.
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Full disclosure: I haven't seen the film. Now that I know it made Selena Gomez cry, I might just go see it.
5. The most romantic surprise she's ever had was a "romantic dinner on a rooftop."
She neglects to comment on the Justin Bieber-sized elephant dancing its way through this question.
6. She loves "depressing things."
Given that she produced the upcoming Netflix series 13 Reasons Why, this isn't all that surprising. And for the record, Selena, we love depressing things, too.
7. She loves the "Stanley Steamer" jingle.
We neglect to comment on this decision.
8. Her spirit animal is Meryl Streep.
This is actually an astute comparison: Streep is similarly coy, and her fanbase has the same devotion as Gomez's. (It could be argued that Gomez's fans are a little more zealous.)
9. Selena Gomez is not-so-great at coming up with pseudonyms.
When asked what her pseudonym would be, Gomez answered, "Alenis Zomeg." It's almost an anagram of her name, and it's a fairly obvious one. Let us pray that Selena Gomez never needs to come up with a pseudonym at a moment's notice.
Mostly, though, we learned this: SelGo is just your average girl. She loves Twizzlers, likes to dance, and has difficulty picking out the perfect tail. The outlier in the video — the one thing that's not-so-average — is that house, which is just plain stunning.
Watch the full video, below.