Something glorious happened last night at the Grammy Awards. Something that sent chills down our backs and made us believe Heaven is a place on earth. It was Beyoncé.
Shimmering in head-to-toe gold as if lit from within, invoking religious imagery that aligned her with Jesus (complete with a gilded crown to top off her long Botticelli’s Birth of Venus hair), there was Beyoncé. Beyoncé, pregnant with twins, captivating a crowd of millions, universally adored and seated upon a folding chair throne. Say it like an incantation: Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. We are not worthy.
Nonetheless, because working to make yourself in her image is a noble pursuit, here’s how to get her red carpet look: Step 1: Summon Rita Hazan for honey blond highlights, then nap as six assistants weave delicate threads of real gold throughout. Top off your 24K hair with a custom-made crown of thorns. (It's the perfect accessory for head-butting your way to the stage during Bey's set at Coachella, too.) Step 2: Mix a generous amount of L'Oréal True Match Lumi Liquid Glow Illuminator in Golden with your favorite moisturizer. Slather it on the flawless skin of your belly, your legs, your décolletage (yes, you refer to it as your décolletage), and the high points of your face. This creates a radiant glow that will melt the eyes of any mortal who stares at you for too long. Step 3: Paint two coats of O.P.I. Nail Lacquer in Glitzerland on fingers that have touched 22 Grammys, Barack Obama, and the hearts of scorned women everywhere. You must do all three of those things before sealing with a top coat, or you'll have chips within the hour. Step 4: Your cheekbones are already sharp enough to cut glass (and, if necessary, the throat of any man who dares to cross you), so you don’t technically need contouring, but why the hell not? Start off with the L'Oréal Paris Infallible Total Cover Concealing & Contour Kit — it’s a multitasking must-have — then add additional shading with the L'Oréal Paris Infallible Pro-Contour Palette. The powder will help set the cream contour, so you don’t have to worry about it wearing off while you’re bathing in milk and rose petals. You know, like Cleopatra. Step 5: If the previous steps have failed you, sell your soul. Even if you don’t buy into all that Illuminati bullshit, it’s hard to believe that one person can be so talented, so untouchable, so physically sublime without having made some sort of deal with a dark force. Try it; see if it works.
Nonetheless, because working to make yourself in her image is a noble pursuit, here’s how to get her red carpet look: Step 1: Summon Rita Hazan for honey blond highlights, then nap as six assistants weave delicate threads of real gold throughout. Top off your 24K hair with a custom-made crown of thorns. (It's the perfect accessory for head-butting your way to the stage during Bey's set at Coachella, too.) Step 2: Mix a generous amount of L'Oréal True Match Lumi Liquid Glow Illuminator in Golden with your favorite moisturizer. Slather it on the flawless skin of your belly, your legs, your décolletage (yes, you refer to it as your décolletage), and the high points of your face. This creates a radiant glow that will melt the eyes of any mortal who stares at you for too long. Step 3: Paint two coats of O.P.I. Nail Lacquer in Glitzerland on fingers that have touched 22 Grammys, Barack Obama, and the hearts of scorned women everywhere. You must do all three of those things before sealing with a top coat, or you'll have chips within the hour. Step 4: Your cheekbones are already sharp enough to cut glass (and, if necessary, the throat of any man who dares to cross you), so you don’t technically need contouring, but why the hell not? Start off with the L'Oréal Paris Infallible Total Cover Concealing & Contour Kit — it’s a multitasking must-have — then add additional shading with the L'Oréal Paris Infallible Pro-Contour Palette. The powder will help set the cream contour, so you don’t have to worry about it wearing off while you’re bathing in milk and rose petals. You know, like Cleopatra. Step 5: If the previous steps have failed you, sell your soul. Even if you don’t buy into all that Illuminati bullshit, it’s hard to believe that one person can be so talented, so untouchable, so physically sublime without having made some sort of deal with a dark force. Try it; see if it works.