Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party Episode 5 Recap: “Deck The Balls”

If Thanksgiving is Martha’s World Series, then Christmas is her Super Bowl. When I think of a perfect Christmas, I think of Martha Stewart, all wreaths and holly and fastidiously arranged centerpieces. Whatever I expected for this episode, it was delivered, and then some. Snoop’s wearing a holiday sweater set and Martha is wearing what I think is her version of a holiday sweater. Martha’s going to make eggnog in her family’s antique punchbowl with 24 egg yolks, two cups of sugar, two quarts of whole milk — “Make sure your egg yolks come from your own backyard hens,” she quips — two cups of bourbon, one cup of cognac, and a half-cup of rum. I read that and now I’m drunk. Then, you whip heavy cream, egg whites, and sugar. You mix this lactose-intolerant person’s nightmare together, grate some nutmeg on it, and then chase one small glass with a shitload of Lactaid. After a toast to all of the reindeer, including Blitzen, they have a sip, and Snoop’s reaction is the same as anyone else’s would be to what is essentially a vat of hard liquor swimming in some heavy cream. Some things I learned about Snoop: His family eats chitlins every Christmas. Some things I learned about Martha: She has at least 25 Christmas trees in her house, with two to three trees per room. That’s an awful lot of pine needles, Martha! Anyway, here’s what’s on the menu for today. Jamie Chung is helping Snoop, but first, a gift. It’s a bunch of underwear, including boxers decorated with holiday ornaments that say “Nice balls!” Martha’s guest is Jason Derulo. I’m already sold. Martha is a Jason Derulo fan, as evidenced by her personal photographs of a shirtless, sweaty, and shiny Derulo from a concert in Paris. She contains multitudes, this one. Multitudes. So! Snoop’s making fried catfish and shrimp! Martha and Jason are making a freakin’ croquembouche. Of course they’re making a croquembouche. Jason’s in charge of stuffing the puffs, an action described with much innuendo. "Put the tip in and don’t push too hard,” Martha says wryly. Filling profiteroles is not easy! I wish him the best. So Jamie Chung and Snoop are making tartar sauce first — sour cream, an ungodly amount of mayo, and some relish. For the catfish, it’s crusted in a seasoned cornmeal crust and then fried hard and fast in a skillet of canola oil. While Snoop fries some catfish, Martha calmly makes a croquembouche, decorating it with spun sugar better than anything I’ve ever seen on the Great British Baking Show. Then came the moment we and Martha both have been waiting for. “Can I drizzle?” Snoop asks. “I’ve been waiting, waiting to say this,” Martha exclaims with a modicum of glee. “For shizzle.” The benediction at the Christmas dinner includes a shoutout to the Lakers. And now it’s time to eat and make comfortably awkward conversation. “I was a little worried that we weren’t actually going to eat,” Jason says — fair! There’s mac and cheese, there’s catfish, there’s green beans. Martha deems the catfish superb, and Jason Derulo asks how Snoop learned to cook. It’s because his mother said the best gift to a woman is a man who can cook. She’s not wrong! Time to talk Christmas traditions. As per Snoop, it’s Christmas at midnight and that’s when you open a present — just the one. Now there’s some mistletoe kisses. Jamie Chung didn’t get kissed under the mistletoe. Jason Derulo has never had a misteltoe kiss, either, but that doesn’t matter. Everyone at the table kisses each other in a very obvious and showy cheek-kiss way. That’s nice! This is actually nice To close out the show, Martha and Snoop blow through one of their favorites — an updated take on “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” starting with “a bag of the finest OG” and ending with a big ol’ cannabis tree, as it should. I thought I was over this show, but even a grinch like me can be moved by a holiday carol and some twinkly lights.