Tragedy Strikes: Mummy Features Tom Cruise, Not Brendan Fraser

Consider Potato Jesus. Cecilia Giménez, an octogenarian Spaniard with the confidence of a mediocre white man, attempted to restore an ecce homo fresco of Jesus at a Catholic church near Zaragoza. She thought that she could restore the fresco to its former glory. Instead, she created a stirring paean to overreaching with good intentions. Look at this sucker.
Similarly, Tom Cruise is remaking the Brendan Fraser classic The Mummy. Now, Cruise's version will probably have its charms. The Mummy has gone from being a bald weirdo to being a cool girl that's gonna like completely ruin London's shit for no good reason. Tom Cruise is 100% guaranteed to ride a motorcycle in a shot that is definitely not contractually mandated.

Jokes aside, Tom Cruise movies are really cool. There really aren't action stars any more as much as there are action studios. We have Marvel and DC, and their actors, but you go to a Marvel movie to see a Marvel movie, not because you like the star. Tom Cruise is kind of an anachronism. Setting aside his troubling relationship with Scientology, you have the last of a dying breed. (If you say Liam Neeson or Matt Damon to me, I will shriek. Not even close.)

So now we'll have a new, cool Mummy. But we miss the Fraser version. You can be damn sure Cruise's won't come close to matching the insanely sick special effects from the original series. Please never remake George of the Jungle.

Watch the trailer below.

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