Photographed by Lauren Perlstein; Illustrated By Ly Ngo. We love chatting with Stoya — writer, thinker, on-screen-sex haver — about all manner of sexual, sensual, and feminist topics. In fact, we had so much fun talking with her, we asked her to write a monthly sex and relationship advice column. Have a burning question? Send any and all queries to stoya@refinery29.com.
"Hi! I'm in my 40s, and my hormones are going BONKERS. I'm not in a relationship at the moment — and I am looking — but I find myself willingly jumping in the sack very quickly with gents that I'm interested in, just because of the simple fact that I'm incredibly horny all the time. Can you give me your honest opinion and advice about women who sleep with men rather quickly, and how that may affect a possible relationship? Obviously, I'm not having any luck!"
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Here’s the thing about men: Like women and gender-neutral people, they’re all different. They all have different ideas of what they’re looking for in a partner, they all have different sexual tastes and intensities of sex drive, and they’ve all internalized ideas about gender-specific behavior appropriateness to varying degrees.
Personally, if someone decided against pursuing a relationship with me because of my sexual desires or behaviors, I’d consider it a sign of major incompatibility and be thankful that incompatibility was discovered early on.
Do you want to be in a relationship with a man who is likely to deem you unfit for dating because you had sex with him early on? If so, you should absolutely cool your jets and stay out of the sack. Definitely stay off the kitchen counter and away from brick walls, coat closets, and the insides of parked cars, as well. Maybe invest in a high-necked muumuu or something. I don’t know. Millions of words have been written on the subject of catching the interest of these sorts of men by people more qualified in that arena than I am, and I suggest you go read some of them. Googling “How to land a man” turned up tons of results.
If sexual gratification with a partner — or finding a partner who can respect you as a sexual person — is more important to you, I suggest you start talking about sex early. Lay out your desires and ask them for theirs before anyone’s clothes start coming off. Make sure you and your potential partner both know what you’re looking for from each other. I have a feeling it’ll speed up the process of finding Mr. Right-for-you or Right-for-the-next-30-minutes.
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Photographed by Lauren Perlstein; Illustrated By Ly Ngo. "I've been seeing this guy for almost a year now and seem to be very compatible with him. We have great sex, and I find there is a good balance of control in the bedroom, but I am a little disappointed in the oral department. I can't even begin to estimate how many times I've gone down on him (and don't get me wrong, I enjoy it) but I can't say the same about him exploring my nether-regions. The three times that he has attempted were while I was already down south on his body, ending us up in the good ol' 69, but it only lasted a brief amount of time.
He's never focused strictly on pleasuring me orally, and I have to say it's starting to bother me. I am aware that in any good relationship there must be honest and healthy communication, but in this circumstance, I'm not sure I want to actually bring it up. I want him to go down on me because he wants to, not because I brought it up and he feels obligated. I have tried small things to hint at it, such as shifting his head toward my lady parts (in a very polite way, I swear) but he doesn't seem to get the clue. Please help me to figure out how to break through to him without coming right out and saying it."
I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but you’re going to have to bring it up if you want it to change. If he doesn’t just go ahead and put his mouth on your vagina and doesn’t respond to subtle prompting or hints, it seems unlikely that anything other than direct discussion is going to get through to him. I only see three options here: Risk never receiving oral sex again, bring it up, or dump him without telling him why (because that would be bringing it up).
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I’m not saying you should start with, "Hey dude, you need to go down on me." Or, "You owe me some sweet, sweet cunnilingus after all those blow jobs." Maybe start by asking him how he feels about licking vaginas. It’s possible he had some kind of scarring experience with a clitoral piercing and a chipped tooth before he met you, and it might have put him off the whole concept. Maybe he’s been told in the past that he’s horrible at it and avoids the activity to save himself the embarrassment of being told so again. It’s also possible that it just never occurred to him that people with vaginas might be into cunnilingus. You can’t start working on the problem until you know what the problem is, and the first step is bringing it up.
Photo: Mood Board/REX USA; Illustrated By Ly Ngo."I've been with my boyfriend for a few years, totally together forever, and we have a super-awesome, amazing sex life. He recently expressed interest in having a threesome. We've both talked about our 'ground rules' and our personal limits, and really, I'm all for it. But, now we're left with where to find someone to have a threesome WITH. I'm not terribly interested in going down on one of my BFFs, and the idea of a complete Craigslist stranger creeps me out to no end. So, where do I find someone in the middle? And, how do I go about asking one of our acquaintances to bed?"
I fully support your aversion to pulling a close friend into your first exploration of group sex. Feelings and sex can get messy, and the stakes are way higher when you stand the chance of losing a good friend.
Lots of male/female couples have the fantasy of group sex with another woman. Not so many bisexual women have the fantasy of sex with an established couple. Supply is much lower than the demand. There’s an almost unavoidable sense of objectification that usually accompanies sex with an established couple. Consensual objectification can be fun, but the odds of finding a woman you both find attractive, who finds both of you attractive, and gets off on feeling like the living sex toy of an emotionally bonded pair are slim. Try to keep your guest’s feelings and desires in mind and be respectful of them.
As for finding someone to have a threesome with, I’d suggest thinking about how you and your partner met, and how each of you met the last few people you had sex with or dated. Start looking in the same places. Hang out, meet people, and flirt with them. Both of you. Together. The same way you find one-on-one sexual partners. Just make sure to keep your expectations managed properly and try not to take any rejection personally.