Drink Fifty Shades Of Grey Wine, Pretend You Never Heard Of It

It's a big day for wine enthusiasts and mommy-porn fans alike. Today, EL James released a signature collection of wines specifically blended for fans of Fifty Shades of Grey. The guilty-pleasure puns are too numerous to list, so we'll just give you a minute to think of them yourself. All set? Great. Available in two blends, Red Satin and White Silk, each bottle comes emblazoned with the tagline "You Are Mine." We'd like to point out that you can, in fact, purchase this wine online and do not have to do it in-store where there are people.

Both red and white flavors are meant to reflect the "naughty and nice" nature of the book. Says James, “Wine plays an important role in Fifty Shades of Grey, adding to the sensuality that pervades a number of scenes. I’ve always had a penchant for good wine, so combining two of my passions to blend Red Satin and White Silk was a natural extension of the series. I hope my readers curl up with a glass as they enjoy the romance between Anastasia and Christian.” In all honestly, getting through certain scenes might take a glass of wine or four. We're fine with handcuffs and nipple clamps, but James' bodice-ripping cadence has us running for the liquor cabinet every other paragraph. See, for example, this wine-laden excerpt:

“Is this nice?” he asks, but I hear the edge in his voice. I tense. He moves the glass again and leans down, kissing me and depositing a small shard of ice in my mouth with a little wine. He slowly and leisurely trails chilled kisses down the center of my body, from the base of my throat, between my breasts, down my torso, and to my belly. He pops a fragment of ice in my navel in a pool of cool, cold wine. It burns all the way down to the depths of my belly. Wow. “Now you have to keep still,” he whispers. “If you move, Anastasia, you’ll get wine all over the bed.”

My hips flex automatically.

“Oh no. If you spill the wine, I will punish you, Miss Steele.” I groan and desperately fight the urge to tilt my hips, pulling on my restraint. Oh no…please.

Seriously, please. Please give us a drink.