Hump, Marry, Kill, Arnett/Poehler Divorce Edition

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Hump: Like any mature adult who likes to stay informed about current events, I was catching up on my reading today and happened to catch a story in a fine periodical called Us Weekly about how great Will Arnett is looking post the divorce-from-Amy-Poehler announcement. At first, I was all, “How droll! They’re using generic quotes from a ‘source’ about how ‘Will looks really good right now...He’s been working out and his skin is great.’”

“Who is this mysterious source,” I wondered. “Someone who believes Will Arnett wants us to comment on his complexion? The man is GOB Bluth. COME ON.” Oh, how my coworkers and I laughed and laughed.

Then, I watched the premiere of Up All Night. When Arnett first appeared on the screen, I thought, “Whoa...someone’s on the divorce diet.” And somewhere, the Us employee who coined a phrase to describe the weight people lose when their marriages end smiled to herself and laughed at my nonchalance over quotes from anonymous sources in tabloid articles. “You should have listened to me,” said employee whispered into the night. “You should always listen to Us.”

Marry: So what if her post-split appearance didn’t warrant an article in our nation’s greatest rags? Amy Poehler looks as lovely as ever on the season premiere of Parks and Recreation. Leslie Knope was in Washington to visit her “lover, Ben Wyatt,” and the newly elected councilwoman was in for just a few of her favorite things: “Romantic reunions, government meetings, self-guided museum tours...I mean, am I living the dream? I dunno. Did I also just walk past a food truck and buy myself a waffle sundae? Yes!” Also: Seeing Ben’s butt IRL instead of via Skype — but I think we can agree that’s everyone’s dream, not just Leslie Knope’s.

Sure, Will Arnett is looking fine on his sitcom, but over in the 9:30 slot, Poehler is holding it down in her skinny jeans and travel-friendly Chucks. And yeah, I may be pandering a little because I want an invite to the Leslie Knope Employment Enjoyment Summerslam Grilljam Fun-splosion next year. I can’t wait to see Parks & Dolls.

Kill: It turns out being a chauvinistic jerk transcends race, ethnicity, and even religion, as evidenced by Jeremiah on TLC’s Breaking Amish. He may have grown up in a strict religious community with a complete dearth of modern conveniences, but Jeremiah still has decided opinions about everything. Such as:

His roommate in New York City: “My very first impression of Abe was there’s this very weird, weak Amish kid who’s never had to work.”

The Amish and Mennonite girls on the show: “When I saw the girls for the first time, I honestly thought two of them were pretty good-looking, with one of them standing out a little more.”

Who’s cooking: “It’s not my job to make the food.”

And so, boys and girls, what have we learned today? An important lesson about obnoxious d-bags: Just like Lady Gaga says, they were born that way.