I’ve been going out with this guy for a few weeks now. Although we’ve hooked up several times — kissing, touching, even a bit of oral action — we haven’t had sex, and he has made very few signs that he is interested in going any further. I like him a lot, and the chemistry is good, so I’m confused as to what the problem is. I’m beginning to lose patience — is there anything I can do to get things moving?
Jennifer Gatti, Licensed Master Social Worker
I need to begin by saying there is no one set answer to this dilemma, especially if we are trying to focus on the ever-torturous question, "What the #%*! he thinking?" Or, even better, "Is he even attracted to me?" But, to entertain those gnawing questions, let's toss about some logical possibilities of what's going on with him and why he hasn't made his move yet.
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He may have a girlfriend or be seeing another girl who he is sleeping with and has stronger feelings for than you. He may be still hung up on a recent ex. He may have financial or professional troubles, which often affect a man's libido. (This is more common than you think.) He may be religious. He may not be ready yet. He might have some sexual dysfunction or an STD that he hasn't disclosed to you yet. He may also be one of those guys who knows that if he has sex with you too soon, then the chase is over. (I once had a boyfriend say he liked to let things "simmer." It was worth the wait.)
Bea Arthur, Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Golden Girls enthusiast
It could be any one of those things, or even that he’s a virgin — men aren’t as simple about sex as they’d like us to believe. For most people, sex happens between the ears before it happens between the legs. So, if he’s preoccupied or distracted by something that’s keeping him from making the next move, you’re well within your right to just ask if he’s comfortable with your chemistry. But, you sound like a woman who knows what she wants, so what’s stopping you from making the next move? The next time you’re ready to rock, ask if he has any condoms and you’ll have your answer soon enough. You may not get the answer you want, but at least it's an answer and you won't be pulling your hair out trying to figure him out.
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Power could be a part of it, so let’s hope he’s not one of those guys who wants you to beg for it — unless you’re into that kind of thing! Or — and I hate to play devil’s advocate — but you might be feeling the chemistry more than he is, and he might be keeping it at middle-school-makeout level so he doesn’t feel the need to commit to you later. Whatever the reason, the bottom line is that on some level, his laid back approach is making you feel unwanted or rejected. You sound sex-positive and confident, so you don’t have time for some Johnny Come Never! I recommend trying one more time to make it happen but if he’s still moving to slow for you, then you’ll know it’s time to move on.
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