14 Unsatisfied Women In Western Art History

By Mallory Ortberg
We have nothing against the women depicted in art through the ages; in fact, we think they were probably more articulate and outspoken than their painted characters suggest. For fun, we decided to give them speech. In the 14 slides ahead, an amusing interpretation of what was really going on.
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1 of 14
Photo: Courtesy of Wikipedia.
"Why do I only have a stone lion for my left hand? What am I supposed to do with my right hand... besides BE DISAPPOINTED?"
2 of 14
Photo: Courtesy of Wikipedia.
"Okay, now shut up and give me that leopard skin."
3 of 14
Photo: Courtesy of Wikipedia.
"If I had enough leopard skins right now then I would have told you to stop bringing them. Keep piling them on me."

Related: Women Wearing Spectacular Hats In Art History
4 of 14
Photo: Courtesy of Wikipedia.
"I, like, don't want to be rude or anything, but me and this dog are kind of hanging out right now, so..."
5 of 14
Photo: Courtesy of Wikipedia.
"I thought we were going to cover the whole harp in roses, but if these were all the roses you could find, I guess that doesn’t have to ruin everything."
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6 of 14
Photo: Courtesy of Wikipedia.
"Hey girls, I have a fun idea: Try playing something good, just for a change, just to see what it would be like."
7 of 14
Photo: Courtesy of Wikipedia.
8 of 14
Photo: Courtesy of Wikipedia.
"This isn’t really doing it for me anymore. I want them to dance better."
9 of 14
Photo: Courtesy of Wikipedia.
"I can still see part of my face. What part of 'I want my entire body covered in gold' was unclear to you?"
10 of 14
Photo: Courtesy of Wikipedia.
"I don’t know...Can you bring me something with noodles? Honestly, I would kill for something with noodles in it right now."
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11 of 14
Photo: Courtesy of Wikipedia.
"Keep 'em coming."
12 of 14
Photo: Courtesy of Wikipedia.
"I NEED MORE PELTS. I COULD BE WEARING SO MANY MORE PELTS."
13 of 14
Photo: Courtesy of Wikipedia.
"You're the only one I can trust. You and this leopard skin on the floor are the only ones I can trust."
14 of 14
Photo: Courtesy of Wikipedia.
"Thank god you’re here. Turns out the amount of actual time you can enjoy yourself on a 'pleasure barge' is like three days, max. Let’s get out of here."

Next: Unhappy Mothers In Western Art History
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